Goals List

This is a copy of my original goals list.  I am reposting them with where I am now.

This is a list of my misc. goals divided into categories. I completed my first update to my goals list. I added more entries to my fitness goals list because I had completed ALL of them. What an accomplishment!! Here's to marking off more goals next time.

(Current weight: 302 lbs, Total Loss: 58 lbs - March 2012)

Weight Goals

1. MET - Lose 5 lbs (5/2011)
2. MET - Lose 10% of my original weight - 36 lbs (1/2012)
3. MET - Lose 50 lbs (2/2012)
4. Lose 20% of my original weight - 72 lbs
5. Lose 75 lbs
6. Lose 100 lbs
7. Lose 30% of my original weight - 108 lbs
8. Lose 125 lbs. - That will be a whole person!
9. Lose 40% of my original weight - 144 lbs
10. Lose 150 lbs
11. Lose 175 lbs
12. Lose 50% of my original weight - 180 lbs
13. Lose 200 lbs
14. Lose 60% of my original weight - 216 lbs
15. Lose 225 lbs
16. Lose 250 lbs (That's two whole people!)
17. Lose 70% of my original weight - 252 lbs
18. Lose 260 lbs.

Clothing Size Goals

Shirts

1. MET: 3XL shirts (2/2012) 
2. 2XL shirts
3. 1XL shirts
4. Large shirts
5. Medium shirts

Skirts

22/24 pants/skirts
20 pants/skirts
18 pants/skirts
16 pants/skirts
14 pants/skirts

(We will see where this gets me and modify this list from there.)


Health Goals

1. Normal BP
2. Consistent Normal Blood Sugar 
3. Normal Periods
4. Pregnancy


Fitness goals

1. Be able to walk without getting blisters on my feet (1/2012)
2. Be able to walk 2 miles without feeling like I'm dying. (2/2012)
3. Be able to walk 2.5 MPH - 2.4 most of my walk now (1/2012)
4. Be able to walk 2.5 miles (3/2012)
5. Be able to walk 3 miles in an hour or less (3/2012) 
6. Be able to walk 4 miles.
7. Be able to complete my workout at no less than 3 MPH except for cool down.
8. Be able to complete my workout at no less than 3.5 MPH except for cool down.
9. Be able to complete my workout at no less than 4 MPH except for cool down.
10. Be able to RUN a half mile.
11. Be able to RUN a mile.
12. Be able to RUN 2 miles.
13. Be able to RUN 3 miles.
14. Be able to RUN 4 miles.
15. Be able to RUN 5 miles.
16. Complete a Diabetes support race.


Misc. Goals

1. MET - Be able to wear seatbelt in vehicle. (3/2012) 
2. Sit in vehicle without my stomach touching the steering wheel
3. Be able to ride bumper boats again
4. Be able to hug my husband without leaning forward. ;-)


(Created: 1/5/12)
(Last Update: 3/23/12)

Food Journaling

Food journaling is the bane of my existence.  Once I got started, I really enjoyed going to the gym.  I  enjoyed the benefits of eating healthier.  I enjoyed almost all aspects of the journey at first.  When life got tough and I wasn't so great about eating right, going to the gym, etc. it started showing up on the scales.  It started showing up in my food journaling.  I can lie to myself in many places, but my food journal is the one place I can't lie.  I can avoid journaling, but my food journal never lies to me.  It reveals the whole, cold, hard truth of my success and failures.  It requires great discipline and I don't have that right now.  I will get it right, though. 

Whoever loves instruction loves knowledge, But he who hates correction is stupid. - Proverbs 12:1  Ouch!  


Blessings, 

Lisa

Starting Over

Today is January 1st, 2014.  The last year I have written many blogs about picking up again. The year had more failures than successes for me.  I lost myself in the mess of life and couldn't get back up.  I always tried, but perhaps it wasn't good enough, or hard enough.  I stopped looking at the whole picture and only focused on the dieting and I failed. This journey is about lifestyle changes that last.  I am forgiving myself of the past and starting over.  Today is a new day, a new year, a new chance.  The Bible says that God's mercies are new every morning so I am trusting in that and praying that He will guide me as I make the choices to get healthier.  Now, more than ever, my children depend on me and I won't fail them.

Month 1 Progress Report

I had my second clinic visit today. Apparently they measured me wrong last time because my waist was still the same. I have lost 11 lbs, though. My blood pressure is coming down and my pulse was better than I expected it to be. This is definitely not where I expected to be 4 weeks ago, but it is progress so I will take it. Hopefully next month will be better, but as long as I'm going in the right direction I'm ok.

Goals I've met this month: I have lost 44 lbs total. I have lost 10% of my original weight. I am so happy about that. Next month I would like to lose at least 15 lbs, but we will see where I go from here.

Emotionally, I had a really hard night. Husband wasn't nearly as supportive today. When I came home Landon was in fine form. At bedtime he proceeded to get mad at me over making him go to bed. He said some really mean things to me. I know he's 5 and didn't mean what he said. Still, it hurts. After a nice cry I sat down and talked to him about what he said. It's not ok to do whatever you want to do without thought of how it will effect those around you. It's not ok to use your words to intentionally hurt someone either.

Overall I guess the day wasn't too bad but health wise I'm not making nearly as much progress as I wanted to. I am beginning to hate Wednesdays because it's the day John pulls doubles and that is just a recipe for a bad day in itself. I love my kids with all my heart, but as an adoptive mom I have issues that I need to overcome. It is all a part of getting to a healthier me. I will get there one day at a time with God's help.

Day 28

It is Wednesday the 25th. Today marks 4 weeks for me. Today is my appt with the clinic. I am excited and scared about it. I know my loss hasn't been as great as I wanted it to be, but I really want to know where they have me on their scales.

Last night I had the strangest dream. It still kind of bothers me. I am trying to understand what it all means, if it means anything. I hate those dreams that wake you but really make no sense. You spend the rest of the night wondering.

I went to the gym last night and walked a mile. It wasn't what I'm used to walking, but I'm getting back up there. I need something to shake up my work outs. I need something to keep my attention. With that being said I did over an hour (72 mins) on WiiFit yesterday. It is much more entertaining and I burn way more calories than I do on the treadmill.

I'm surprisingly ready to go full steam ahead again. I am excited to see what changes lie ahead for me in the next month. This journey is so much easier when you have the fire and passion for it. I am praying I find renewed passion for my healthier lifestyle.

I want to thank you guys for following my journey so far. Thank you for showing me such great support. It means so much to me to know that there are people who care. I love each of you very much.


For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11


Weight Loss Mama

Four Weeks

Day 27!!! Day 27!!! I have made it almost 4 weeks. I am proud of myself.

I went to the gym last night with Stephanie. I got on the elliptical and did all of 2 minutes. Then I went to the treadmill and walked a half mile before my phone started ringing. It was a friend who I hadn't talked to in a while so I got off to talk to her. My heart wasn't in the right place for the gym last night. Even though the gym was a complete bust, yesterday afternoon I spent 62 minutes on WiiFit. I managed to burn almost 400 calories.

Emotionally, I am starting to feel a bit better. I am not who I was though. Now is when I really have to struggle to stay positive. It is a struggle to stay on top of my eating. I have slipped up more than I would like to admit the past week. I know part of it came from forgetting my pills a couple days. Part of it is simply because I'm not challenging myself like I was. Still, part of it comes from the fact that I'm trying to juggle all of these balls of life when my heart longs for Heaven. My drive right now comes from making Jeremiah proud of me. I want to have more babies. While dieting and exercise used to provide this high for me, now it's a means to an end.

So what happens next? I go to the clinic tomorrow evening. It will officially start my 2nd 4 weeks. I already have a plan for my diet for the next month. Emotionally, I need some work though. I'm going to try to find ways to make the gym more enticing. I LOVE my showers. I may start doing weight training there because I can't do that with WiiFit. If you have any suggestions please send them my way.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

Weight Loss Mama

A Month In Review

When I started this journey a month ago, I never imagined where this would lead me. Never did I imagine the emotional roller coaster this month would bring. I'm not where I want to be with my weight, but I am making progress. I never realized what an addiction food was for me either. Never did I imagine the heart break I would go through and how this would test my faith.

I haven't been blogging as much since Jeremiah's death. I have noticed a HUGE difference in the way I feel about things too. This blog has been my emotional outlet since I started this journey. When I get things out then it helps me to be more positive. I have really noticed how down I feel about things.

I discovered yesterday that I had been forgetting my meds. I have a couple more pills than I'm supposed to have at this point. I had noticed that my appetite had been increasing, but thought the pills were just losing their effectiveness. This morning I took my meds and I'm feeling so good again. I have so much energy right now. I have been out and had lunch. This was when I realized I hadn't taken my meds! ;-)

I have been using Wii Fit more since Jeremiah's death. I have discovered I can burn quite a few calories with it. There is this table tilting game that has really become my favorite. I have managed to beat the basic round. The plus side to the Wii Fit is that the kids love to watch me and help "coach" me. Unfortunately, this is usually a huge distraction.

John and I have been talking more about our angel children so that has been a huge blessing. He's finally getting some of the stuff "out there." It has done wonders for me as well. We have set aside time each day to spend talking just he and I. That is something we haven't done in a long time.

Jeremiah's death has changed me. I am more determined now to get healthy so I can be here for my living children. I am determined (God willing) to have more birth children. I want to have a healthy pregnancy that ends in a healthy birth. I am thankful for the time I had with Jeremiah. God really blessed me with that boy. I just don't feel that He is finished blessing.

If I had to sum up the entire month I would say that I have been through hell...BUT I am still standing. I made it. I haven't quit. I haven't given up. The things that Satan sent to destroy me, God has used for His glory. I will not give up. I won't back down. I've come too far to turn back now. This month certainly didn't start or end the way I planned it, but praise be to God I'm still here. He deserves all the praise and glory for it.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

Weight Loss Mama

Jeremiah Daniel - One Week Angelversary

If you could see me now...you'd see joy and laughter in my eyes
I'm swinging on a swing set in the sky...No you wouldn't cry
If you could see me now...every single tear would be erased
By the love that shines on Jesus' face...oh what a place

I never played with my brothers and my sisters in the yard
I never was rocked to sleep in my mother's arms
But the arms that hold me are the same arms that made me
I know you miss me...I wish you could see your baby.

If you could see me now...
Even though you are looking through a broken heart
You wouldn't bring me back to where you are..
I'm dancing on a star

If you could see me now...
We're all eating cake and ice cream
Oops I got some chocolate on my wings
It's a party just for me.

Daddy will you read a bedtime story sometimes just for me
Mama I'll come and see you now and then in your dreams
So don't waste another moment worrying about what might've been
Jesus loves me and you know I'm with Him

If you could see me now I'd tell you
That you're up here way too soon
And God still has some things for you to do
And I'll see you when you're through

Yesterday marked one week since we last held our precious Jeremiah. We said "see you soon" all too soon. It was a pretty gentle day. I ended up babysitting for a friend while she went out to celebrate her birthday with her husband. I guess that was a gift from God because I didn't have the opportunity to just sit and think.

I miss him so much. There is so much we should be doing to prepare for his arrival. Blankets to make, little clothes to buy. Toys the kids would pick out for their brother. My expanding belly that would be getting kicked like crazy soon.

None of that will ever be, though. It was all cut too short. Never will I know his kicks. I won't hear his first cries. I must wait to find out all his favorite things to do. I won't see him play sports in the front yard with the boys. I won't get to take him to church and have everyone trying to hold him. He was so beautiful! I wish everyone could've seen him. I regret not taking pictures of him. I want to be able to see him again. Now all have are the memories.

Sleep hasn't come easy this week. I am exhausted. My days are running together. So much heartache. Night time is the WORST time to be alone with my thoughts. All of my should've, could've, would've beens seem to haunt me. Guilt tears my soul into. I KNOW the truth, but I still search for someone to blame for this. No one else is to blame so surely I did something. Maybe it's because I was a bad person or something.

Jeremiah is a gift to us. He was a promise to us. We feel so heartbroken because we can't see the other side of this. Yet, we still feel so blessed to be the ones God chose to be Jeremiah's parents. I know he's up there having the time of his life. He doesn't want to see us crying. One day our broken hearts will heal. One day the pain of our loss won't be so great. We will be able to see nothing but the beauty of this. We just aren't there yet.

Earlier this week a friend of mine miscarried also. This friend was so precious and comforting to me when we told everyone about Jeremiah. In my worst nightmare, I never dreamed that she would be joining me on this terrible journey. Please keep her in your prayers.

The Heart of an Angel Mom

"Who You'd Be Today"


Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.




I miss my son. I want to hold him. I feel like I am dying inside. Heaven seems a million years away right now. I long to hold his newborn body against my chest. I want to sing him lullabies. I want to comfort him when he cries. I want to watch him grow. Would he look like me or John? Would he be meek and mild like Isaiah was when he was an infant or strong willed like Liana? Would he like video games like Daddy? Would he love reading like Mama? What kind of man would he be? Would he want a family? What would he name his children? His children. My grand children. The ones I feel should be but never will.

Jeremiah's days weren't cut short. He lived every mili-second that God had planned for him. Yet, I still feel like I have been robbed of these things. Right now I can't help but focus on the things I am missing. My heart aches, When I close my eyes I can still see him laying on my hand. I still can feel what it was like placing pieces of a baby planet in his coffin and laying him in there. Placing him in the ground and watching as my husband buried this precious baby in the ground. Walking away and leaving the graveyard with empty hands. I find myself touching my empty belly only to be snapped back into the painful reality that is my life now. Empty belly. Empty arms...empty cradle...

I know Jeremiah is in the best place ever right now. I know that Jesus is rocking him. He is with his brothers and sisters. He's with his grammie and mamaw...all of his great and great-great aunts and uncles. He longs for nothing. He is loved by all in Heaven and on earth. I feel so selfish though because they get to snuggle with him. They get to take care of him. All of these thoughts make me want to strap on my two year old personality and scream about how unfair it all is.

I am so glad that my Daddy understands this heart He gave me better than I do. I am so glad that He is willing to give me the gifts that He knows will break my heart for a period of time. I am truly not angry with God. I am so grateful for the gift of my son. I would go through this pain a million times over for each one of them. I am so glad that He doesn't fault me for grieving. He loves me when I feel unloveable. He cries with me when I cry. He weeps with me. Even when I am at my worst He still holds me and tells me He loves me and all of this will be ok in time. He will never leave me. He just allows me to climb in His lap and holds me rocking me - HIS CHILD - the way I long to rock Jeremiah. My anger, grief, pain, and love just makes Him hold me tighter.

Knowing how much I hurt in this moment, I still hope God blesses us again. I pray our next child lives a long life, but even if God chooses to take the next one I will endure this again because THAT child is worth it also. We will welcome all the blessings God has for us whether they come from my womb or adopted, whether He chooses to take them before they walk this earth or whether they will one day stand next to our graves and grieve for us. Each of them are worth every tear I've shed, every smile they have given me, every moment of emptiness I feel.

The Dark Side of Grief

I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?

When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm numb to the core
I can't fake it anymore.

chorus:
Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

chorus 2:
Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again

You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering

chorus


The last couple days have been the hardest. It is very hard when you are around those who have different grieving styles than you. It's hard to understand what they are thinking and feeling. My husband grieves so differently from me. He is able to flip a switch and just shut it all off. I choose to submerge myself into grief's pit of hell. I live there until I am ready to start healing. With him, he refused to talk about what happened. lt took 8 years before he would talk about our oldest angels. We had a major breakthrough/breakdown last year. He let it all out. It was difficult. It was messy. It was faith challenging. It was also beautiful.

Everyone grieves differently. I have said it time and time again. I stand by that. Everyone should also be able to grieve the way they see fit. I stand by that. As a wife who is more outwardly emotional, it was hard to watch my husband do this. I felt like he was just trying to avoid our children. In my eyes he was trying to avoid Jeremiah's existence. I think that was killing me more than what I was going through.

The past couple days have led me down to a very dark place. I have said and thought things about my husband that were completely awful. I am not a perfect wife and will never claim to be. I have said unkind things to my husband before...the darkest part of this was this time I actually meant what I was saying. Tuesday I had suggestions that I go to the gym to get out of the house. Everyone thought the time away would help me feel better. It sounded like a good idea until I got there and got on the treadmill. The longer I walked and had time with my feelings the madder I got with those around me.

I found the above song yesterday. I love the ballad version of this song. It's slow and seems to come from the heart of one who has experienced a great grief. It completely describes how I feel today. "I'm at a loss for words there's nothing to say." The chorus to this song has been my prayer lately. Only God can fill the emptiness I feel. God will make something beautiful out of my suffering. God will heal the hurt and anger I feel inside.

I will take responsibility for how I feel. Some people are just cold and heartless, thiough. I have discovered that once again through this process. I have to get to the place where I can let go. I'm not there yet. I will get there, but I haven't made it there yet. "I know I should be walking on the water, showing no fear and moving in faith but I can barely keep my head above the waves that threaten me with death."

Today seems like a better day. John gave me a precious gift this morning that I will cherish for all of my days. Grief is a process. Most people think you go through each stage and are done with it. I'm here to tell you that you cycle through the stages only to do it all again. Some days will be filled with nothing but tears....others with nothing but anger...some with only bittersweet happiness. Then there are those days where you will go through the entire grief process at least once all in one day. There is no set way to do this. You just take each moment as it comes because a whole day is too much to think about right now.

Grief Is An Ugly Process

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I'm alive
But I feel like I've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I'm slipping away

[Chorus]
After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I've cried my last
There'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God let me walk through this place

And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

Chorus

Here and I am at the end of me(at the end of me)
Trying to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

Chorus




Where to begin? Today turned out to be pretty rotten. John got home and I found a friend request from an old acquaintance in both of our accounts. I accepted and immediately it started. We had things to do today so that meant leaving. It rained all day. My windshield wipers broke. I made it to the gym and walked a mile. I didn't even want to do that. My heart just isn't in it right now. I finished the mile and rewarded myself with a long, hot shower and a good cry. My entire body aches for what should be. As I was leaving the gym, I ran into an old friend, who looked straight at me then continued to walk as if I wasn't there.

I have entered that angry phase of grief. My husband did something that drove me crazy today and I told him I was going to do some very ungodly and down right mean things to him if he didn't stop it. The worst part was that I was serious when I said it. I had a couple other conversations where I just felt like banging my head on the wall when I was finished. This process isn't new to me. Unfortunately these emotions and stages of grief will recycle themselves in my life for a while.

Right now nothing feels right. I feel like I am just expected to get back up and live life as if Jeremiah never existed. I want people to know about him. I want to feel like his life made a difference in this world. A friend asked me if I would be content if I knew that God's only purpose for Jeremiah's life was to show His love for ME. I would like to say yes and I guess that really is the answer.

I just hate this unspoken code that angel parents are supposed to follow. We aren't supposed to speak of our children in public or in front of others because they may become uncomfortable. That isn't right! All parents are proud of their children. We are no exception. I love and am proud of Madison, Elijah, Hannah, Felicity, Michael and Jeremiah just as much as I do Sam, Landon, Jewel-Anne, Liana and Isaiah.

I also hate that I feel the need to apologize to everyone for the way I am feeling. I don't mean to be snippy or have emotions that swing faster than the ones on a children's playground. I hate that I feel like I did something wrong because I know this wasn't my fault. I hate this emptiness I feel. I hate feeling like I let my husband down again. I hate looking into his eyes and seeing what he's going through. I wish he would talk to me, but that's just not the way he works. I know he is processing this too, but I just can't handle watching him go into survival/denial mode. I need to know that my son made a difference in his father's life. It's not that he is unkind or cold hearted.. He just deals with things in a way that I can't understand.

For me, I bury myself in my grief until I am ready to come out of it. I don't want to be around anyone but can't stand to be alone either. This is such a nasty and evil process. I hate this part of grief. It's the part no one understands and very few try to. Those who do try to are like diamonds, rare and precious. I appreciate each of you.

For those of you asking, I'm not ok. I feel like I will never be ok again. My life has changed. My heart feels like it's never going to heal, my body feels so empty, my arms ache to hold my precious boy. The only thing that brings comfort to me is that God has him and I will see him (all of them) again. Spiritually, I am thankful that God blessed me again with another child. I would honestly go through this process 10 million times over if I had to. Jeremiah is worth every ounce of pain, every tear, every sleepless night. He is so worth the wait, but that doesn't make THIS part of the journey any easier.

I won't apologize for where this blog has went in the last few days. I started this blog to help me with my journey to a healthier me. I never thought this would be part of the journey, but it is now. I wanted to help someone realize that they were not alone. Maybe these posts will help others going through the same thing, but even if they don't this is my way to process what I am going through. I won't apologize for that.

Saying Goodbye to an Angel

Home By Nicol Sponberg

What is it like to be to be held in the same arms that hold the universe
What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of Heaven and earth
When you open your eyes and look on the face of the Giver of Life
The Author of Grace...Do you know

Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home

What is it like to breathe in and breathe out... Heaven's Glorious Light
What is it to be robed in perfection... no reason to cry
When you feel on your face your Father's kiss...His welcome embrace
We prayed for this...You should know

Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home

So twinkle, twinkle little star
We will keep you in our hearts
Twinkle, twinkle little star
We will meet you where you are.

Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home

There is something so wrong with a parent burying their child. It is so unnatural and just WRONG! It hurt to bury my mama, but I always knew I would. She had lived her life. It hurt like I never imagined, but this is completely different. It was so cold outside. I didn't want to leave him. As a Christian I know that he's not in this earthly vessel anymore. Try telling that to my mama's heart. My life has changed over the years. We didn't bury our other children. The guilt I've carried from that I would never wish on anyone. We knew we wanted to make sure we didn't repeat those same mistakes.

Jeremiah's funeral was attended by only two. John dug his spot while I stood there and just cried. The kids napped in the car while we held his life celebration. I would've stood there forever if I could've. I'm his mama. I should be with him. John told me I had to leave because my living children needed me. I totally understand that. In a perfect world I would have all of my children with me. The greatest heartbreak is when you have earth blessings and angels. You feel so pulled between both of them. Obviously, God has plans for me so I must stay here...my heart feels torn into. I want to be here and raise my kids but I want to be with Jeremiah and my angels also. When I think of Jeremiah I see Isaiah. Isaiah is a total mama's boy. He loves his daddy, but there's nothing like mama. I am thankful Grammie is there to hold Jeremiah, but that is my job.

Last night we told the boys about Jeremiah. Most don't agree and that is fine. This is our family and this is how we chose to handle things. They knew we had "Jesus Babies" before we got them. Sam understands that his brother's short life was a blessing. Landon is mad. He doesn't understand. To be honest with you I understand how he feels. I haven't hit the anger stage of grief yet, but I am definitely in the hurting/questioning why stage.

No matter how we hurt or grieve, we still believe in the goodness of God. Jeremiah's life was a good thing. We love him. He is ours and will be forever. It seem like forever until we will see each other again, but on the other side of this life I will see how short this life really was. I miss him. I long to hold him again. Even if I had known how short our time together would be, I would do it all over again. He is such a blessing to us. We love you Jeremiah.

For those who are reading this who know us, I have but one request. It terrifies me to know that he will never be spoken of. I understand how you may feel. For us though, I WANT to talk about him. I want others to talk about him. Please don't act like he didn't exist. John and I will spend the rest of our lives missing him...see visions of what he would've been, what he would do..would he be a Mama's boy? Daddy's little man? The play dates that won't happen...the wedding that will never be. I'll never get to see his babies. I will never get to dance with him at his wedding. I know this isn't easy for you, but it's not easy for us either. If you really want to help us then help us keep his memory alive.

My sweet, sweet Jeremiah, Mommy and Daddy love you more than you will ever know. Our hearts ache because we must be separated from you for a time. We will always remember you. We will carry you with us forever.


"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
~Unknown

Jeremiah Daniel

DISCLAIMER: This blog will be very graphic, emotionally and physically. You have been warned.

Hug Him Once For Me By Erin McClure

I asked You Lord You answered, a little one You gave
The hardest part I never knew was that little one You'd take
But Lord I trust You now, I know that You are good
And Jesus I was wondering if You would...

Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too

Waiting here right now Lord seems so hard to do
Longing just to hold him like other mothers do
And Lord I know You're faithful
Your hand of grace I have known
But I ask You in the meantime until You call me home

Hug him once for me, hold him up real close
Let him sit upon Your knee
And tell him all the things we would teach him about You
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that You love him and that we love him too

And when the trumpet sounds, Lord Your face I long to see
Now I've one more reason to wait expectantly
And when I get to Heaven and see all You have done
I know that I will understand and to him I will run

I'll hug him once for me, I'll hold him up real close
He'll sit upon my knee and tell me all the things
You've taught him about You
He'll whisper in my ear one more simple truth
He'll tell me that he loves me and that he love you too
He'll tell me that he loves You and Lord I love you too.




I hesitated to put this here, but this place is about my journey...not just numbers on a scale. Two weeks ago I was stoked because I had started my period all on my own. Things just weren't quite right. They seemed all too familiar. I put that thought out of mind though. I stopped bleeding around day 10, but yesterday morning I started bleeding again. I remember calling Cindy to fuss
because I wasn't going to make it to the gym. Oh how petty that seems now.

A couple hours later I had the feeling that I needed to change my pad and tampon. While in the bathroom, I discovered that I was actually miscarrying. I picked up my child called John in the room. I was in shock. John looked like a ghost. He later told me he was afraid to say anything. He later told me that he felt as long as he didn't speak that it wasn't really happening. We carefully
brought him back into our room where we held him for what seemed like forever. Then, I took a very small box I had and cut two small pieces of a baby blanket to line his "coffin" with. I kissed him and placed his body inside of its earthly resting place then covered him with another piece of blanket. I couldn't bear flushing his little body down the toilet. He is my son and his life mattered. Based on his size he was about 8 weeks.

I feel guilty. I am his mother. How could I not know about him? I hope he knows how much we wanted him though. He was a huge surprise, but that didn't make him any less wanted. I see the pain my husband is going through. As a guy, he tries to remain strong. That guilt eats me too. I feel so broken. Why did God choose him to go along this journey with me? He doesn't deserve this pain. He keeps telling me this isn't my fault, but it has to be some how. My body has
failed me 6 times now.

Despite the pain, I am thankful God chose me to be this little one's mama. He came to life for a purpose and I know he lived every single moment God intended for him to. A friend's husband told me yesterday that maybe this was God's way of showing me that I could still get pregnant. While some may not find that comforting...in some ways I do. My heart longs to hold him again. The thought of waiting a life time to see him is almost unbearable. When I think about how short this life is compared to eternity, though, it is worth it.

I wish he could've stayed. No good parent wants to say goodbye to their child. Even though that wasn't God's plan I am thankful that I was chosen to carry him. My arms ache to hold him once more. My chest longs to feel a newborn, THIS CHILD against my breast to nurture him the way a mom is supposed to. My heart feels so torn and out of place. I love all of my children but I can't be in two places at once. I am blessed, so blessed. My job is here, but my heart aches for the day when all of my babies can be together. I long for the day when I won't feel so torn between Heaven and earth.

John told me he felt this child was a boy. He told me the name Jeremiah immediately came to his heart when he found out. We chose the name Jeremiah Daniel for this precious blessing. May he sit on his Grammie's lap with his brothers and sisters until we can all be together.

God, our human hearts can't make sense of any of this. We thank You for giving us Jeremiah, Michael, Felicity, Hannah, Eli and Maddie. Each of them holds a special place in our hearts. They each had a purpose and we are very grateful you chose us to be their parents. We don't pretend to understand the reasons why You decided to take them home so quickly, but we will still praise
You. We praise you that you saw fit to give us children we could keep with us on this earth also. Give us strength in our weakness so that we may be able to continue to do all we need to in the midst of feeling like we're falling apart. Please come to us during this time and allow Your Glory to shine through this. Please help us heal and some how make sense of this tragedy. Amen.

Jeremiah Daniel
Born into Jesus' Arms 1/14/2012

"An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. And whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth." ~Author Unknown

"Lord, I wanted to hold my son in my lap and tell him all about you. Since I never got the chance will you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"

Disappointments

I have had some personal stuff going on this weekend that I've been down about. John and the kids were playing on WiiFit. I caved and weighed. Taking into account the difference between the clinic's scales and Wii's I have lost 6 lbs. I thought that number would be much higher.

I am trying very hard. I feel like I can't walk anymore after doing 2 miles on the treadmill. I have eaten mostly salad for the past two weeks. I have done my best to stay waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy nder my calorie limit for the day, but it just seems like it isn't enough. I am thankful for the 6 lbs, but just disappointed in myself.

Send your suggestions my way. I wanted to hit the 50 lb (total) loss mark this month, but I don't think that is going to happen now. Still, I did manage to hit my next weight goal. I have lost 10% of my original body weight.

The Prodigal Daughter

Almighty God, The Great I Am
Immovable Rock, Omnipotent
Powerful,Awesome Lord
Victorious Warrior, Commanding King of Kings
Mighty Conqueror and the only time
The only time I ever saw him run

Was when He ran to me
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice He said
"Son, do you know I still love You?"
He caught me by surprise when God ran...

The day I left home, I knew I'd broken His heart.
And I wondered then, if things could ever be the same.
Then one night,I remembered His love for me.
And down that dusty road, ahead I could see,
It was the only time,It was the only time I ever saw Him run.
And then...Repeat Chorus He caught me by surprise.
And He brought me to my knees.When God ran...

I saw Him run to me.


I was so ashamed, all alone, and so far away.
But now I know, that He's been waiting for this day...

I saw Him run to me,
He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
I felt his love for me again.
He ran to me He took me in His arms,
Held my head to his chest,
Said "My son's come home again!"
Lifted my face wiped the tears from my eyes,
With forgiveness in His voice
He said "Son"He called me Son.
He said "Son, do you know I still love You?"
He ran to me (When God Ran)(I saw Him run to me)
And then I ran to Him(When God ran)When God ran

Yesterday was a great day. My work out was TOUGH! It was awesome though. I had a 49:56 minute workout. That's right, I hit 2 miles in less than 50 minues. I usually do this in about 53 minutes, but I started out my walk faster than I normally do. I did get very tired after the first mile and slowed down a bit, but when I got to 49 minutes I only had .05 mile to go. I decided I would do it or else. I sped up to over 3 MPH and I made it with 4 seconds to spare. I am SO proud of myself. None of that is nearly as important as the God experience I had, though.

Yesterday, I had to purchase another MP3 player. The one Kathy bought me decided to stop working after my toddlers decided to play baseball with it. The one perk is this one is louder. I put some new music on it. Yesterday's work out ended with some Phillips, Craig and Dean. I almost broke out into revival on the treadmill.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the story of The Prodigal Son and God's love for me. Most people can't fathom the sacrafice God made for us. I was talking to my sons about this the other day. The sacrafice Christ made is the most awesome. I tend to think about this situation as a parent though. I can't imagine laying my son's life down, willingly sacraficing one of my children, to save all of humanity. Especially when that Son was perfect and sinless, and those He would die for were not. I couldn't sacrafice one of my own children to save one of their siblings and certainly couldn't do it to save a stranger. Would I risk my life to save another? I believe I would, but my babies? No way! I am so thankful for the gift of salvation, but right now my mind keeps going back to God having to stand there and allow Jesus to leave Heaven knowing that He would return only after going to the cross. It is almost too much to bear when I think of how God had to stand there and watch him be beaten. My heart goes out to Mary also. I am sure she felt much like I feel when I think of it. I am sure she secretly thought of ways to hide him away to save Him.

It's a sobering thought - while I was still a sinner that Christ died for me. And to know that even if I was the only one on earth that needed His love and forgiveness the cross would still be there. I am worth so much to God that if I was the only sinner on earth Christ would've still went to the cross for me. When you have self-esteem issues, the thought of my Father's love is almost overwhelming. Always being the kid who the world wanted nothing to do with, it's hard to accept a love so strong that comes without condition. The song posted above was the one playing as I finished my second mile last night. I am so thankful that even when I decided I could do things on my own that God never gave up on me. And when I returned, scared and afraid that He threw His arms out and ran to me. His only words were "Do you know I still love you?" My human mind questions why? Why does He still love me? After all I've done wrong...why me? How deep the Father's love for us.

Thank you God for loving me when I was unloveable. I am glad that your love doesn't depend on my understanding of it. Thank you for welcoming me home with open arms. I will be forever grateful for Your forgiveness. I stand in awe.

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Switching It Up

It's been a couple days since I blogged. What has happened since then? Well that depends on how you look at it. Wednesday, I used weights for the first time. 3 lb weights. I did 4 sets of 15. I only walked 1.1 miles. I thought I did really well. My sister informed me that I still needed to walk the whole two miles. Ok, not as good as I thought. Still, I'm glad she told me.

I got really gutsy with Steph at the gym that night. I decided to try the elliptical...That was until I tried to get on it...that didn't go far at all. I did manage to put one foot near it. ;-) Another day perhaps. There is this rope pull thing that has been drawing my attention. I think we will meet soon!

Last night I didn't work out at all. I didn't plan it that way, but the night got away from me. The weather was calling for black ice so the gym was out. I had intentions of using WiiFit, but after getting up at 3 AM yesterday morning that just didn't happen.

Today is a new day, though. It's time to get back to the gym and start anew. Bigger and better things require bigger and better commitments. So here we go. Have a great day everyone!!!

Blessings,

Lisa

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)

Two Weeks, Two Miles!!!

Good morning to you. I hope you realize how blessed you are. You are loved by the One who matters most. That is reason to celebrate right there.

Today marks two weeks for me on this journey. So much has happened and changed during this time it is almost unbelievable. Yesterday I crossed the two mile mark on the treadmill. I never thought I would make it that far! I am very impressed with all God is doing in my life.

I'm doing very well with my diet. I have started to incorporate a few more things into my diet. Things that I was holding out on until I had more will power. I had a hot dog this week. ONE hot dog. Usually when I go in I order at least 3 for myself. I have had pasta a couple times also. I also ordered french fries with my dinner one night. I only ate about a third of them and brought the
rest home for John. Even on those days I have managed to stay within my calories.

I am getting excited because next week Stephanie and I are going out to celebrate her birthday and how well we've done so far. At the beginning of this journey, I promised myself one day a month where I wouldn't count calories for the day. This way I can still enjoy some of the food that I love but is oh so bad for me. I know I can do this without ruining a whole month (or three weeks) worth of work because I have started to learn portion control. I look forward to being able to share this time with Stephanie.

I have two more weeks to make a difference in my diet before I weigh in. I am looking to make it count. For my walks I am going to work on increasing my speed during my walk. I am also going to start doing some strength training too. I also have some cleaning projects that I want to complete around the house so I'm going to focus on that. I will also make it to the gym at least 12 times in the next 14 days.

Lastly, I will share a funny story from my middle son yesterday. Monday we had a great day. He wasn't as defiant at all. He did things without being told to do them. We didn't have tantrums or anything. Yesterday, he woke up and we had a completely different story to tell. Everything was cause for a tantrum. He got grounded. He looked at me and said "Mom how long are you going to be gone to the gym today? I really think you should stay longer! I also think you should get a hotel tonight!" He realized that he was about to get himself in trouble and his brother called him out on it. He said "I just meant so she could get some peace and quiet!" Was his concern really for my mental health? No! He wanted me out of the house because he thought he wouldn't be grounded if I wasn't here to enforce it. He is such a hoot!!

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama


Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)

Accomplishments

It is Wednesday Morning. I am 15-17 days away from weigh-in. I have been working out for nearly two weeks now. I have finally got to the point where it isn't hurting as bad anymore. I am very curious to see how much weight I've lost. After Stephanie and her husband weighed Sunday, I had to really resist Sunday not to weigh. I stand my ground that I only want to weigh at the clinic, though.

Last night, Stephanie and I went back to the gym. I walked 1.9 miles. That is a far cry from where I was two weeks ago. It didn't hurt as bad as it did in the beginning, either. I could've walked the extra to get to 2 miles but wanted to save that victory for today. The best news is that my heart rate is dropping. After walking a mere .5 mile (in 30 minutes mind you) the first day, my heart rate was nearly 200 bpm. Yesterday, after almost two miles (in 52 minutes), my heart rate was 160 bpm. I know your heart rate needs to accelerate during exercise, but the fact that my heart rate isn't so fast does make me happy.

So where do we go from here? I have just over two weeks to get in all the exercise I can to see my awesome numbers. I have ideas as to where I'd like to be. It will be interesting to see where I am. No mater what the scales say, I am very proud of myself. These last two weeks have been so hard, but so full of accomplishment. If you'd asked me a year ago if I thought I'd be here today...I would've told you absolutely not. I am so thankful to be in this place God has brought me to this place.

The Potter's Wheel isn't comfortable at all. It is the most beautifully painful place I've ever been in. How beautiful the rewards will be! I will grow to know Him more. I will be emotionally, physically, and spiritually fit. How refined I will be when I come through the fire! God never promised this journey would be easy, but He did promised He would be with me every step of the way. How deep the Father's love for us!

I am no longer dreading the gym or this journey. This is a feat in and of itself. I am thankful for a God who loved me enough to mold my heart to be ready for it. I am thankful for family who has made the journey possible. I'm thankful for friends for support. I am thankful to my husband for becoming a gym-widower so he can one day celebrate a 50 (60 or 70th) anniversary with me one day.

Celebrate your accomplishments! Forgive yourself of your short comings. Seek God's help for all things are possible! Encourage yourself when no one else will. You can do this and you will be so glad you did!

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. - 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)

Spiritual Battles

In Me - Casting Crowns

If you asked me to leap
Out of my boat on the crashing waves
If you ask me to go
Preach to a lost world that Jesus saves
I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong

'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me'
Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that you want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

If you ask me to run
And carry your light into foreign land
If you ask me to fight
Deliver your people from satan's hand
I'll go, but I cannot go alone
'Cause I know I'm nothing on my own
But the power of Christ in me makes me strong
Makes me strong

'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me

To reach out with Your hands
To learn through Your eyes
To love with the love of a savior
To feel with Your heart and to think with Your mind
I'd give my last breath for Your glory

'Cause when I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability

When I'm weak, You make me strong
When I'm blind you shine Your light on me
'Cause I'll never get by living on my own ability
How refreshing to know You don't need me
How amazing to find that You want me
So I'll stand on Your Truth, and I'll fight with Your Strength
Until You bring the victory, by the power of Christ in me
The power of Christ in me
The power of Christ in me





This morning I'm going to talk about the spiritual battle that is going on in my life right now. The other day I said that I had rededicated my life in December. Since then I've been trying to get closer to God. I will tell you know that I am weak. He is my strength. If I am able to do any of this, it is because of Him. There is no way I could've made this many changes by myself.

If I'm going to be completely honest though, I have to admit that there is a huge spiritual battle going on within me. Satan has had control of my life for so long, even though I didn't realize it. I was a luke warm Christian. I was a Christian in words, not so much my life style. In the Bible God states that He will spew those "Christians" from His mouth. When I tell you my life has completely did a 180, it's true. I am trying to work on my relationship with Him as well as work on my health, my emotions...It's all changing.

I have moments when I feel so close to God. I can clearly hear Him speaking to my life. Other times I feel that I can't hear Him at all. My life is anything but quiet and still. I'm learning that I MUST create a time when I can just be still and listen for Him to speak.

I can definitely tell something is going on that has nothing to do with this world. Never have I struggled so much to hear God. I don't FEEL...God tells us that we must live by faith and not by feelings. I usually walk out of the gym in tears. I don't feel particularly bad. It's not about the pain...I can tell there's something spiritual going on inside me. "Whatever You're doing inside of
me, it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace. Though it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, I'm giving in to something Heavenly."

I have faith and I KNOW God is working in my life. I KNOW the goodness of God. I know that everything I am going through is to mold me and make me into what He wants me to be. Being on the Potter's wheel is never easy. It is difficult and painful. I can surrender my life to Him and allow Him to do what is best for me, even when I feel like I'm alone. The alternative is to go back
and I can't go back. I'm not going back. My past is over and I will not repeat it.

Lord, please help me to draw close to You. I need an intimate experience with You. I need to feel You. Help me find the quiet place I need. Help me to be still and listen to the whisper of Your Voice. There are times when I feel so alone. I feel like I'm not good enough to be loved by You. Please touch my heart and minister to my spirit. Lord, I am completely Yours and I will follow You through the valley, the fire, the mountain top, the Potter's wheel or anywhere else you want me to go. I resolve this day to live in You and not by my feelings. Lord, I am so thankful that You love me even when I feel unloveable. Without you I am nothing. I love You. Please lead me on this journey to a new me that I may be all You've called me to. In Your Precious name, Amen.

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama


Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)

Better Days

Good Sunday morning to everyone. I am very excited because my family will
be going to church. That always lifts my spirit. There's nothing like being in
the presence of God. I challenge you to find a church this morning (or even next
Sunday) to go to. Start the year out right and on the right foundation.

I am happy to report that things got much better yesterday. Last night
Stephanie surprised me with a phone call saying she would be joining me at the
gym. Even with headphones in our ears throughout our workout, it is so much more
energizing to have someone there to go through this with.

I got on the treadmill determined that I would walk 1.75 miles. This is
what I walked the night my feet got so bad. I can't express to you how hard that
was. I really had to push myself to get there, but I did it. When I got done my
entire outlook changed! I was so proud of myself. Physically, my feet hurt and I
felt like my heart would beat out of my chest at any moment. Emotionally, I
felt like I was on top of the world!!

I love car rides with Stephanie. They are so therapeutic. We talk about our
day, kids, husbands, life, the good, the bad, and the weird. It is just awesome
to have that sounding board. Our lives are so similar in so many ways yet so
different. I think that makes a great combination for a wonderful friendship. We
encourage one another. Even better, she isn't afraid to call me out if she
thinks I'm out of line on something. I LOVE that about her.

Afterwards, I went to Shoney's for dinner. I had a salad. As I went back to
my table with my beautifully, delicious salad I decided I would splurge. I had
french fries! I compromised and traded the extra ranch for my fries and had
ketchup, though. They were still delicious. There was a party going on in my
mouth. It still amazes me how much better things taste when you don't allow
yourself to indulge in garbage every meal?

The morning after report? I feel AWESOME this morning. My feet don't hurt
(I will hold out judgement on that until tonight). I feel emotionally and
physically like I accomplished great things last night. I have my sunny
disposition back this morning! We are going to church this morning. Life doesn't
get much better than this!

Be blessed,

Weight Loss Mama

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is
in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at
a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)