I'm at a loss for words, there's nothing to say
I sit in silence wondering what led me to this place
How did my heart become so lifeless and cold
Where did the passion go?
When all my efforts seem like chasing wind
I've used up all my strength and there's nothing left to give
I've lost the feeling and I'm numb to the core
I can't fake it anymore.
chorus:
Here I am at the end I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You speak and all creation falls to its knees
You raise Your hand and calm the waves of the raging sea
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
chorus 2:
Here I am once again I'm in need of resurrection
Only You can take this empty shell and raise it from the dead
What I've lost to the world what seems far beyond redemption
You can take the pieces in Your hand and make me whole again, again
You have a way of turning winter to spring
Make something beautiful out of all this suffering
chorus
The last couple days have been the hardest. It is very hard when you are around those who have different grieving styles than you. It's hard to understand what they are thinking and feeling. My husband grieves so differently from me. He is able to flip a switch and just shut it all off. I choose to submerge myself into grief's pit of hell. I live there until I am ready to start healing. With him, he refused to talk about what happened. lt took 8 years before he would talk about our oldest angels. We had a major breakthrough/breakdown last year. He let it all out. It was difficult. It was messy. It was faith challenging. It was also beautiful.
Everyone grieves differently. I have said it time and time again. I stand by that. Everyone should also be able to grieve the way they see fit. I stand by that. As a wife who is more outwardly emotional, it was hard to watch my husband do this. I felt like he was just trying to avoid our children. In my eyes he was trying to avoid Jeremiah's existence. I think that was killing me more than what I was going through.
The past couple days have led me down to a very dark place. I have said and thought things about my husband that were completely awful. I am not a perfect wife and will never claim to be. I have said unkind things to my husband before...the darkest part of this was this time I actually meant what I was saying. Tuesday I had suggestions that I go to the gym to get out of the house. Everyone thought the time away would help me feel better. It sounded like a good idea until I got there and got on the treadmill. The longer I walked and had time with my feelings the madder I got with those around me.
I found the above song yesterday. I love the ballad version of this song. It's slow and seems to come from the heart of one who has experienced a great grief. It completely describes how I feel today. "I'm at a loss for words there's nothing to say." The chorus to this song has been my prayer lately. Only God can fill the emptiness I feel. God will make something beautiful out of my suffering. God will heal the hurt and anger I feel inside.
I will take responsibility for how I feel. Some people are just cold and heartless, thiough. I have discovered that once again through this process. I have to get to the place where I can let go. I'm not there yet. I will get there, but I haven't made it there yet. "I know I should be walking on the water, showing no fear and moving in faith but I can barely keep my head above the waves that threaten me with death."
Today seems like a better day. John gave me a precious gift this morning that I will cherish for all of my days. Grief is a process. Most people think you go through each stage and are done with it. I'm here to tell you that you cycle through the stages only to do it all again. Some days will be filled with nothing but tears....others with nothing but anger...some with only bittersweet happiness. Then there are those days where you will go through the entire grief process at least once all in one day. There is no set way to do this. You just take each moment as it comes because a whole day is too much to think about right now.
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