Addictions

"Slow Fade" - Casting Crowns
Be careful little eyes what you see
It's the second glance that ties your hands as darkness pulls the strings
Be careful little feet where you go
For it's the little feet behind you that are sure to follow

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away
People never crumble in a day
It's a slow fade, it's a slow fade

Be careful little ears what you hear
When flattery leads to compromise, the end is always near
Be careful little lips what you say
For empty words and promises lead broken hearts astray

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself awayPeople never crumble in a day
The journey from your mind to your hands
Is shorter than you're thinking
Be careful if you think you stand
You just might be sinking

It's a slow fade when you give yourself away
It's a slow fade when black and white have turned to gray
Thoughts invade, choices are made, a price will be paid
When you give yourself away

People never crumble in a day
Daddies never crumble in a day
Families never crumble in a day

Oh be careful little eyes what see
Oh be careful little eyes what you see
For the Father up above is looking down in love
Oh be careful little eyes what you see


Today I'm going to talk to you about addictions - My addiction. Most of us have them. Most aren't willing to admit it. Here is my story. When I was younger my great aunt used to take care of me while my mom was working. As I got older we moved out of my aunt's house, but she still took care me.

Each morning I'd arrive at her house and she'd have a delicious breakfast prepared for me. It was always one of two things, eggs, grits, bacon and toast or biscuits and gravy. Oh how I miss those mornings! Aunt Flossie and my grandmother were the BEST cooks. I'd go to school then come back to her house to have dinner. Aunt Flossie ate dinner BY 4 pm every day. On the way home, Mom would stop to get a snack which was usually a hot dog. Then we'd get home and we'd have dinner. When I was really young sometimes dinner was cooked by my brother, but I remember most nights having pizza or Chinese food. Let's stop a minute and think about this for a moment. Just the amount of food that I consumed AFTER 4 PM each day is enough to make me almost sick. I can't even begin to think of the calories. As I got older I got tired of "Flossie Breakfast" so Mom would usually stop and get me a BLT or a burrito from McDonalds. THAT hurt Flossie's feelings though. While I didn't want her breakfast, I ate it because it made her feel better.

Guilt...my first experience with emotional eating.

Growing up we had some family issues (who doesn't?) ...I turned to food because it was what I could control. It made me feel better. I could control what and how much of it I ate. The perfect solution to my problem...or so I thought.

My grandparents health started to decline around 1st-2nd grade. My grandmother had a stroke so we moved closer to my grandparents to help take care of them. I did the best I could at 8 to help, everyone did. More responsibility for Mom...more eating out... They passed away when I was 10 and 11 (I think). Grief, guilt (could I have helped more? I should've helped more! Mom is sad...I can't fix it...) What could I control though? You got it.

Then you get to the teen years where I started youth group. All teens like to eat. Then I met my best friend (at the time) J. Every outing he and I had involved food. I did go through periods were I'd decide to lose weight, but then I met John who loved me despite how much I weighed. It didn't matter anymore. Pregnancies...miscarriages..angel babies...grief...guilt...anger...more
guilt..fertility problems and treatments...more miscarriage...grief...guilt...anger...mom's health
declined...stress...DCS...mom's health declines...boys....mom's health declines more...birth parent issues...mom's health declines further...Boy's first Christmas with us (happy time)...Mom's last Christmas...Mom's "unexpected" death...funerals...more grief...more guilt...more anger...faith crisis...too many whys...too many what ifs...too many emotions...depression...watching my son
grieve for his best friend...new babies...more DCS stuff...adoptions...more adoptions.

Food became my drug. Before I knew it I was eating when I wasn't hungry, when I was full...way too full...too much junk...way too much junk...too much healthy stuff too. I hated myself and where I was. I hated the control I had surrendered to food. This lifeless object controlled EVERY. SINGLE. ASPECT. of my life. I counted my days by meals. What we eating today? What's for lunch? Dinner? Oh there's something exciting going on? What will we eat to celebrate? The kids are going crazy, marriage issues...life gone crazy? Food was my drug. I hated myself. I was more depressed with myself and the choices I had made than I was about anything else.

I'm not out. Satan had a hold on me...he was trying to kill me and I was letting him. Dying seemed easier than bringing myself up out of this. So many unknowns. I can't tell you how many times over the years my siblings have suggested this diet, that surgery, etc for me to try. Each time it made me more depressed, I hated myself more, it made me distance myself more from them. I felt like they didn't love me because I was so fat. I felt like they were just trying to change me so I didn't embarrass them with my huge self. I can see now that wasn't true at all.

God spent the last year working on my heart. I had to get to the point that I was miserable enough not to go back. I had to get to the place where I felt completely, totally, utterly hopeless. He gently kept trying to lead me to this journey. He is a loving God so he was doing it gently. He wanted to offer me a new way of life and deliver me from the grip I had allowed Satan to have on me. I wanted to change, but I was so scared that once again I was hopeless. I was a place where the perfect terrible combo of food and fear controlled my every moment. The emotional part of this journey has proven to be the hardest part. Facing all of the things I've pushed down and covered up as I ate myself into an early grave. . I think food addictions are the hardest because it is the one thing you can't give up. You can stop taking drugs, drinking, gambling, etc. You
can't stop eating though - not if you want to live. I don't say that to be little other addictions because they are all horrible, painful heart breaking journeys that hurt everyone - not just the one with the addiction. Every day it's a choice to stay "clean and sober" no matter what your addiction may be.

God used my sister to snap me out hell I had created for myself. The very person who had tried so many times before...making me hate myself with each suggestion. I was at such a point of desperation. I couldn't live anymore, but I didn't have the strength to change. Could she have done this a year ago? 6 months ago? Absolutely not. God had to allow me to travel to the pits of hell first. I could never have done this by myself. God delivered me from my addictions. I still have to climb out of this. I have to make the choice every day not to turn back. I will get through this though. He hasn't left me but He won't make me instantly healthy either. I have to make choices to do that. Why did He give us free will again? Oh yeah, it was so we would turn to Him in our deepest sorrow, sadness and hours of need. It was so we would learn how good He
is. So we would learn of His Mercy.

I am so thankful for the people God has put in my life to support me through this. In early December my friend Laura took me to a Newsong concert where I rededicated my life. I remember coming home in tears. I apologized to my husband and my children for all the times I'd failed them, The times I had yelled or treated them unfairly. Only one other person new what happened to me that night...I can tell you if I hadn't got my "heart stuff" right I would've never been opened to what God was about to do in me. I am so thankful that He always had my best interest at heart. Can you imagine how painful it for Him to watch me slip further and further away? I have often thought about that. I don't think I would have the power to willingly let my child slip into something so deadly. I am thankful that He allowed me to go through hell because it has made me stronger. Oh how He loves us.

If you need encouragement or support, please don't hesitate to contact me. No one should have to go through this alone. No one should live in hell on earth because they feel they are alone. You aren't alone. God will help you through this if you ask Him. I will be here for you also. My hope is that one day my journey will touch even one person to help them get through theirs.

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)