My Flesh Is Weak

Yesterday was filled with many turns. John has been working extra shifts. Those extra shifts usually mean that he's working days, instead of nights which I'm used to. He was supposed to be get off at 4:30, but he didn't get home until almost 6. We had decided to get the kids pizza for dinner so I started working on that while he was being attacked by our 5 blessings that hadn't seen their daddy all day. I had NOT planned for this. I wanted to be out of the house by
5:00 so now I was almost two hours behind. My heart is willing, but my flesh is
weak.

I'm in a delicate place right now. I push myself because I know this is what I need to do, but my body still doesn't want to follow through. My flesh doesn't enjoy walking on blistered feet. My flesh doesn't enjoy not being able to give into every food desire I have. When I go to the gym I'm usually gone 2.5 to 3 hours - practically every day. When my husband looked at me and said he'd
rather have me home, but... I didn't hear anything past that but. My mommy guilt leapt into the situation. I'm a stay at home mom and I'm never away from home this much. My family needs me. Yes, they do. They need me today...tomorrow...a year from now...5...10...20...50..60 years from now too. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.

If anyone know me well they know the way to get me is through my kids. You can verbally or physically attack me, but you mess with my kids and only God can save you from my wrath! It's so hard to look in my daughter's eyes when I leave for the gym because she doesn't understand why Mommy is suddenly leaving, WITHOUT HER mind you, all the time. It's hard to stay focused on the long term. I don't like to see my baby cry because her Mom is gone...I was the same way when I was little. I was never without her unless she was at work...I know how
she feels. Thankfully, she doesn't know how I feel. She doesn't know what it's like to watch your mom, and best friend, leave for a semi permanent (because it's only permanent in this life) time. She doesn't know what it's like to bury her Mama, knowing that if Mama had chosen differently she might still be here. I am so grateful that to her, my departure is temporary. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.

The decision to change my life hasn't been an easy one. I still choose to remain upbeat and positive. Some days that is harder than others because my flesh is weak! I can't quit now. First because I do yo-yo with my health, diet, etc. I have been through some super hard stuff this weak that I never want to have to go through again in my life. I have went from parking in my yard because I was so lazy, to getting on a treadmill for a .5 mile and feeling like my heart was going to explode, to walking 1.75 miles and only slightly feel like I was dying. That has all happened within a week. I can't go back and I won't. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.

I promised myself when I started this journal that I would always be honest and I have held to it. The ONLY way I can remain positive through this is because I'm not going through it alone. Sure I have my family and friends, even strangers supporting me and cheering me on. That is great. The attention is awesome, but it's human attention. No human, or group of humans, can be everything I need to walk this journey. Christ within me, my Creator, my Strength-Giver, my Ultimate Encourager is who will help me get through this. In the quiet when my mind starts racing with all the reasons I shouldn't be doing this, He is there to tell me that I should, I can and I will do this. I honestly don't know how anyone could do this without Christ. Call me weak, but I know I couldn't. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.

My flesh may be weak, but I am so thankful that I know the Voice of Truth. I am so thankful I know the Life Giver! Because of Him and what He has done for me, I will never go back. I can't. My past is over and I'm moving forward. One baby step at a time. One 10th, quarter, half and whole mile at a time. One meal at a time. One pound at a time. It's all because of Him that I can do it. My heart is willing, but my flesh is weak.

Be encouraged today. If you've stumbled on my blog and you don't know Christ. You don't know what it's like to utterly depend on someone for your every breath, turn to Him today. He will shake you up, but He's changing my life in ways I could never imagine. My journey thus far has been so beautifully, painful because of Him. A change this drastic will be painful, but He is making me beautiful. Not in the world's eyes, but He's creating me into His Masterpiece.

Be Blessed,

Weight Loss Mama

Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 (NKJV)