The Heart of an Angel Mom

"Who You'd Be Today"


Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
I feel you everywhere I go.
I see your smile, I see your face,
I hear you laughin' in the rain.
I still can't believe you're gone.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who'd you be today?

Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family,
I wonder what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue,
I feel like I can talk to you,
An' I know it might sound crazy.

It ain't fair: you died too young,
Like the story that had just begun,
But death tore the pages all away.
God knows how I miss you,
All the hell that I've been through,
Just knowin' no-one could take your place.
An' sometimes I wonder,
Who you'd be today?

Today, today, today.
Today, today, today.

Sunny days seem to hurt the most.
I wear the pain like a heavy coat.
The only thing that gives me hope,
Is I know I'll see you again some day.

Some day, some day, some day.




I miss my son. I want to hold him. I feel like I am dying inside. Heaven seems a million years away right now. I long to hold his newborn body against my chest. I want to sing him lullabies. I want to comfort him when he cries. I want to watch him grow. Would he look like me or John? Would he be meek and mild like Isaiah was when he was an infant or strong willed like Liana? Would he like video games like Daddy? Would he love reading like Mama? What kind of man would he be? Would he want a family? What would he name his children? His children. My grand children. The ones I feel should be but never will.

Jeremiah's days weren't cut short. He lived every mili-second that God had planned for him. Yet, I still feel like I have been robbed of these things. Right now I can't help but focus on the things I am missing. My heart aches, When I close my eyes I can still see him laying on my hand. I still can feel what it was like placing pieces of a baby planet in his coffin and laying him in there. Placing him in the ground and watching as my husband buried this precious baby in the ground. Walking away and leaving the graveyard with empty hands. I find myself touching my empty belly only to be snapped back into the painful reality that is my life now. Empty belly. Empty arms...empty cradle...

I know Jeremiah is in the best place ever right now. I know that Jesus is rocking him. He is with his brothers and sisters. He's with his grammie and mamaw...all of his great and great-great aunts and uncles. He longs for nothing. He is loved by all in Heaven and on earth. I feel so selfish though because they get to snuggle with him. They get to take care of him. All of these thoughts make me want to strap on my two year old personality and scream about how unfair it all is.

I am so glad that my Daddy understands this heart He gave me better than I do. I am so glad that He is willing to give me the gifts that He knows will break my heart for a period of time. I am truly not angry with God. I am so grateful for the gift of my son. I would go through this pain a million times over for each one of them. I am so glad that He doesn't fault me for grieving. He loves me when I feel unloveable. He cries with me when I cry. He weeps with me. Even when I am at my worst He still holds me and tells me He loves me and all of this will be ok in time. He will never leave me. He just allows me to climb in His lap and holds me rocking me - HIS CHILD - the way I long to rock Jeremiah. My anger, grief, pain, and love just makes Him hold me tighter.

Knowing how much I hurt in this moment, I still hope God blesses us again. I pray our next child lives a long life, but even if God chooses to take the next one I will endure this again because THAT child is worth it also. We will welcome all the blessings God has for us whether they come from my womb or adopted, whether He chooses to take them before they walk this earth or whether they will one day stand next to our graves and grieve for us. Each of them are worth every tear I've shed, every smile they have given me, every moment of emptiness I feel.