Happy One Month Angelversary Jeremiah

Home By Nicol Sponberg

What is it like to be to be held in the same arms that hold the universe
What is it like to sleep on the chest of the King of Heaven and earth
When you open your eyes and look on the face of the Giver of Life
The Author of Grace...Do you know

Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home

What is it like to breathe in and breathe out... Heaven's Glorious Light
What is it to be robed in perfection... no reason to cry
When you feel on your face your Father's kiss...His welcome embrace
We prayed for this...You should know

Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home

So twinkle, twinkle little star
We will keep you in our hearts
Twinkle, twinkle little star
We will meet you where you are.

Your days here changed everything
You're missed here and always will be
But you left here the greatest gift of all
Cause our hearts ache for home

Today is marks Jeremiah's one month angelversary. This last month has been so full of ups and downs. In ways it seems like it's been easier to remain distracted. That makes me feel guilty. At the same time it seems like I can't get back on track with my life either.

I think about where I'd be right now if he were still growing inside me. I would be showing by now. I would be feeling kicks soon. I would be picking out baby close. I would need a quad stroller. All of these things I should be doing right now. But that isn't what bothers me.

What bothers me the most is missing the dances, all of the firsts. I must wait a lifetime to see him look into my eyes with such adoration and exclaiming "Mama!!" with his hands outstretched to grab my face and kiss me like Isaiah does. No first words, first kisses, first dances. Then I look at Sam and think that Jeremiah will never go to school. He will never learn to read here...Landon won't get to teach him to be a super hero. He will never know what it is like to have Jewel-Anne and Liana dress him up with pretty hair and make up. John will have to wait a lifetime to hold Jeremiah on his shoulders. My arms ache to hold him. My chest longs to feel his heart beating against mine. No 3 AM feedings. What would his favorite foods be as he grew up?

Even through all of this heartache I am still so blessed. This life, this heartache will only last for a moment. When it comes to a close then I will truly understand what "forever" means. I will be able to take all of my children in my arms and never have to let go. We will be able to play. I will be able to say "I love you" a million times. Pain, heartache, goodbyes, miscarriages, angelversaries, funerals, caskets, burials and grave yards will no longer have a place in my life. I won't have to long for the day I can hold them. I won't have to wish for "this moment" to last forever because it will. There is a song that says "On that day we won't have to say goodbye/ No one will hurt and no one will cry/ God will wipe away every tear from our eye/ On that day when we won't have to say goodbye.

My dearest Jeremiah, There is no way to express to you just how much Mama and Daddy love you. We spent years praying for you. We feel so blessed that God chose US to be your parents. We miss you so much and we long for the day when we will hold you. When you walked out of our lives you left us with the greatest gift anyone could give us - Our hearts long to be in Heaven with Jesus so we can see you, your siblings and Grammie again. You are such a blessed little boy. I know that your Grammie, Mamaw Vela and all of your great aunts are standing in line for their turn to hold you. They will make sure you know how much we love you until we get there to hold you. Mama loves you more than you know. Happy Angelversary sweet boy.

Love,

Mama

Jeremiah Daniel - One Week Angelversary

If you could see me now...you'd see joy and laughter in my eyes
I'm swinging on a swing set in the sky...No you wouldn't cry
If you could see me now...every single tear would be erased
By the love that shines on Jesus' face...oh what a place

I never played with my brothers and my sisters in the yard
I never was rocked to sleep in my mother's arms
But the arms that hold me are the same arms that made me
I know you miss me...I wish you could see your baby.

If you could see me now...
Even though you are looking through a broken heart
You wouldn't bring me back to where you are..
I'm dancing on a star

If you could see me now...
We're all eating cake and ice cream
Oops I got some chocolate on my wings
It's a party just for me.

Daddy will you read a bedtime story sometimes just for me
Mama I'll come and see you now and then in your dreams
So don't waste another moment worrying about what might've been
Jesus loves me and you know I'm with Him

If you could see me now I'd tell you
That you're up here way too soon
And God still has some things for you to do
And I'll see you when you're through

Yesterday marked one week since we last held our precious Jeremiah. We said "see you soon" all too soon. It was a pretty gentle day. I ended up babysitting for a friend while she went out to celebrate her birthday with her husband. I guess that was a gift from God because I didn't have the opportunity to just sit and think.

I miss him so much. There is so much we should be doing to prepare for his arrival. Blankets to make, little clothes to buy. Toys the kids would pick out for their brother. My expanding belly that would be getting kicked like crazy soon.

None of that will ever be, though. It was all cut too short. Never will I know his kicks. I won't hear his first cries. I must wait to find out all his favorite things to do. I won't see him play sports in the front yard with the boys. I won't get to take him to church and have everyone trying to hold him. He was so beautiful! I wish everyone could've seen him. I regret not taking pictures of him. I want to be able to see him again. Now all have are the memories.

Sleep hasn't come easy this week. I am exhausted. My days are running together. So much heartache. Night time is the WORST time to be alone with my thoughts. All of my should've, could've, would've beens seem to haunt me. Guilt tears my soul into. I KNOW the truth, but I still search for someone to blame for this. No one else is to blame so surely I did something. Maybe it's because I was a bad person or something.

Jeremiah is a gift to us. He was a promise to us. We feel so heartbroken because we can't see the other side of this. Yet, we still feel so blessed to be the ones God chose to be Jeremiah's parents. I know he's up there having the time of his life. He doesn't want to see us crying. One day our broken hearts will heal. One day the pain of our loss won't be so great. We will be able to see nothing but the beauty of this. We just aren't there yet.

Earlier this week a friend of mine miscarried also. This friend was so precious and comforting to me when we told everyone about Jeremiah. In my worst nightmare, I never dreamed that she would be joining me on this terrible journey. Please keep her in your prayers.