Vacation Day 7 - Come Dance At My Wedding

Today is the last day of vacation.  We are trying to make the most of it so we can have fun, but there’s packing, cleaning, and end of vacation chores that must be done.  We will try to get those done this morning so we can enjoy the rest of the day.  While I am sad to see this time ending, life is waiting for me back home. 

A week or so ago, I went to the Christian book store to pick up a CD.  They were having an awesome sale and I ended up coming out with a large paper bag full of stuff.  I purchased several movies.  Among the mix was two movies called “Come Dance At My Wedding” and “A Letter to Dad.”  All week long I had been trying to watch “Come Dance At My Wedding” but kept falling asleep.  John asked me if I wanted him to skip to the part I hadn’t seen and I told him no.  I firmly believe that God has a perfect timing for even the most trivial stuff.  I can’t tell you how many times I have purchased a movie or CD that I just couldn’t get into only to pick it up later and see God’s purpose in me waiting.  It ministered to me at that moment in a way it wouldn’t have before. 

The movie was great.  It is about this woman who grew up without her Dad.  Her mom had died of cancer a couple months before the movie took place.  Circumstances lead her into being told about her Dad.  He ends up coming down just in time for her wedding. 

This movie spoke to me on so many levels.  I have always regretted not being able to have my Dad to walk me down the aisle.  The man who ended up walking me down the aisle was a man who I wasn’t even that close to and no longer speak with.  I wanted that tradition of being walked down the aisle.  My hope is to renew our vows on our 10^th anniversary and make my dream come true.  I want a nicer gown this time.  Last time I had a gown donated to me.  I appreciated it and it meant so much to the woman who gave it to me.  It was her sisters who had also died from cancer.  It was a nice gown, but it wasn’t MINE.  I want to  be able to pick out the one I want and not settle for something just because it fits.  I want my kids to be a part of our ceremony this time.  I want to stand at the end of our church and look down the aisle at my husband and see all the years we will spend together.  More importantly, I want to have my Dad stand next to me and tell me he loves me as he walks me down the aisle.  This dream my sound crazy to most and that’s ok.  It’s what I want though.  God willing, I will see it come true in a couple years.  The hardest part of all of this will be that Mama won’t be there with me.  I really wish I could’ve experienced this dream before she died, but it wasn’t meant to be.  Ok, now I am getting all depressed so I will stop this blog with this thought.  It was a great movie.  You should definitely see it if you haven’t. 

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama

Missing Pieces

This weekend the movie October Baby came out. I went to see it this afternoon. It's about this 19 year old girl who survived a failed abortion, was adopted by a Christian couple who never told her about her birth history. The movie centers around her finding out where she came from. It was a wonderful movie that I recommend to everyone! This movie was emotional because of what it was, but even more so because of my history. I wasn't adopted but I identify with her struggles a lot of finding where you belong.

I have never met my birth father. He's never been a part of my life. I have thought about finding him a few times over the years, but the timing was never right. The few details I have of my birth father aren't extremely helpful. I do know that he has 4 other children. I know that he worked at Brushy with mom; he is a security gaurd. I know his wife's name. Other than that, any details died with my mother.

I have so many fears where he is concerned. How can I find him? Will I ever find him? Will he like me? Will he ever love me? Does he ever think of me? Does he regret the choices he's made? How would one go about building a parent/child relationship after all this time? Will my siblings be accepting of me? He's getting older; will he die before I have the chance to meet him? If my dreams don't come true - if we meet and he doesn't love me (want me to be a part of his life) am I at a place where I can accept that?

There are so many things that I am now realizing I missed out on over the years. Issues that I struggle with because I didn't have an earthly father growing up. The importance of a father's role in his children, especially his daughters', lives should never be under-estimated.

Currently, I am sitting here as I watch my own babies sleep with a very heavy heart. I feel so paralized by the fear of the unknown that I don't know what to do next. "Oh what I would do to have the kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat and onto the crashing waves." I know that meeting the missing pieces of my life is part of this amazing journey, but it is so scary.

Please pray for me. If you have any advice then please send it my way.

Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama