Eyes

 This has been a hard year...hard summer...hard month...hard week...hard day. I had an MRI done in December of last year. Long story short (or as short as I can make it) that was the start of it all. The MRI showed my shunt was over draining. The neurologist that I was seeing locally wasn't qualified to treat me so she wanted to refer me to another neurologist for this problem. She tried for a while to find someone locally to take my case, but because I was already shunted no one locally would agree to take my case. My neurosurgeon who installed the shunt has since retired.

So in May, I ended up at Vanderbilt Hospital to see another neurologist who then referred me to a neurosurgeon who I saw in June. During this time I had a shunt series, an MRI and an MRV. I also had to see my eye doctor for a specific exam. Everyone was trying to figure out if my shunt was causing problems. The Neurologist and the Neurosurgeon frustrate me with the differing opinions. I will see the Neurologist and he will see or agree there is potentially a problem, but then the neurosurgeon is like "Ah, I've seen worse cases than this." Both are excellent doctors, but it is frustrating at times hearing the differing opinions.

This week was the week of doctors for me. Tuesday, I went back to Vanderbilt for my three month check up. My day started with a CT. We go to the neurologist who shows us the CT and gives us a couple things to look at. He also told us that my pituitary gland is enlarged. He has ordered another MRI that I will have in December when I return to him. I have been having daily headaches so he referred me back to my primary doctor for some med changes. The neurologist is going to be the one treating the headaches but he is wanting to increase some meds I am already on so he wants the primary doctor's approval in doing this. Next, off to the neurosurgeon for my follow-up appt with him. He listened to my concerns and the issues the neurologist brought up as well as the findings from the eye appointment and ruled out shunt issues. "I've seen worse." Frustrating, but I am glad all is ok for now on the shunt front.

Yesterday, I had my last appointment with my local neurologist. The issues I saw her for she decided would be monitored by Vanderbilt so I didn't need her any longer. This was a huge answer to prayer because my visits to her were very stressful.

Today, I had to follow-up with my eye doctor. Unfortunately, that appointment didn't go the way I had prayed it would. The last several times I have seen him, my eye pressure has been elevated. This is the third time it has been tested in the last twelve months and it was elevated a couple times before that. When I went to see him in June he decided that he wanted to see me in three months for further testing. I had several things done to my eyes. His diagnosis is that I am in the early stages of Glaucoma. He put me on an eye drop that I will use in one eye and I'll see him again in a month where they will once again test my eye pressure. If the drops do what they are supposed to then I will start using them in both eyes.

I did okay with this news until I got home. On the way home I spoke with my best friend. I spoke with one of my sisters. I was ok. I took one look at my husband and started sobbing. Then I did something stupid. What is the #1 rule when you are faced with medical issues? DO NOT GOOGLE! Well, I googled!! Stupid, stupid Lisa. I knew better but I did it any way. I have spent my evening grieving and praying. I turned on worship music and prayed. I know that none of this has surprised God. I know that I am in His hands and He has my best interest at heart. I am thankful that we caught it early and praying it doesn't get worse. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am scared. This disease can make you go blind. The thought of never being able to my husband and kids again, never being able to see my future grandchildren, not being able to read or drive or...or...or... It shakes me to my core. But God... I am doing my best to lean on Him; to cast my cares on Him, because He is ultimately the only one who has any control over my situation. I can, and will, seek meds and treatment, but my future is in His hands alone. So if you have made it this far, thank you for reading my tale of woe. If you are the praying type, I would appreciate your prayers. Thank you.

Accepting Who I Am

For the longest time I have tried to make me fit into the box that everyone said I should belong in.  Everyone longs for acceptance.  Everyone wants to be loved.  Everyone wants to be liked by their peers, family, co-workers, etc. In my teen years I had built up such walls that I didn't really care what others thought about me.  I wish I could say that was still true. 

Somewhere along the way I started caring what others thought about me.  I wanted to be the parent that everyone looked up to.  I wanted to be the parent who had everything together and whose children never talked back to her, always behaved, and were always respectful toward others.  I mean, who really DOESN'T want these things?  I think everyone wants to be the one other parents dream about being.  I have made myself miserable with this image that the average person will never measure up to.  One of my "go to" people for parenting advice is Jimbob and Michelle Duggar.  They are wonderful Christian parents who never yell or lose their temper with their kids.  Everyone who watches them will attest to the wonderful parents they are.  Then I look at myself. 


Last night, our Pastor preached on being the person God created YOU to be.  He told a story of his own children.  One of them is very  musically talented, while another is a wonderful home-maker.  Neither of them were happy with what they had because they were too focused on what they weren't.  It wasn't until they both embraced the people God created THEM to be that they were truly happy.  Boy, could I ever relate to that.  


When I look at myself I focus on what I am not.  I am not the most patient person.  I am a mom who has 5 kids living at home.  We homeschool, too.  Most days I sit and think "wow, I wish I had it together like Mrs. So and So.  I wish that my kids behaved better.  I wish they didn't want to scream all the time.  My house is one of the noisest around. It doesn't matter if they are happy, sad, mad, scared, etc. They just like to scream! I do my best to curb the noise, but it just doesn't happen.  I stopped calling people because of a comment a friend made one day while I was on the phone with them. 


My kids wear me out! I love them to death.  I wouldn't change ANYTHING big about my life.  Sure I wish my house was quieter, but I have learned to embrace the noise.  I spent many years with a clean, quiet house with very empty arms.  I remember when we were doing foster care that I would have to schedule visits first thing in the morning or else my house would be a disaster.  I tried to schedule visits when John would be home because I couldn't have a conversation otherwise.  My kids are just little balls of energy who love almost anyone and feed off each others' behavior. 


Late last year there wasn't a day that went by that John didn't come home from work to me in tears because I was so emotionally spent.  Between case workers, therapies, appts, court dates, not to mention being the mom to 5 under 8 (including an infant and 2 toddlers) I just couldn't take it anymore.  I nearly killed myself trying to take care of everything because I wanted to be the wife whose husband came home and didn't have any responsibilities.  The past several weeks I have been going out every single night after John gets home.  He takes care of dinner and bedtime.  I usually grab something for dinner and read, do my Bible study, make my weekly call to Dad/Bonus Mama.  I take some time just to unwind from the day.  Most of the time my husband is very understanding and encouraging of this.  He has his moments where he just needs my help that night so I will come home and help out. 


Yes, I wish that I was the wife/mom who never needed a break.  I am just not that person.  It is ok to have help.  It's ok to expect my husband to help care for OUR kids.  It's ok that my kids are a little more lively than the average children.  They are awesome kids, even if they don't fit into someone's (or even my own) mold of the perfect child!   My goal in life is only to please God.  If I do that then everything else will fall into place. 


So here is my confession!  I am a Christian Mama who is a slight control freak.  (I am having to learn to let go of that control that I *think* I have. I am learning I am in control of nothing besides my own actions.)  I am get my hair done (although my hair dresser would say not nearly often enough), my nails done, have massages and goes out each night to unwind.  My husband and kids help with the chores.  I love my family to death.  There is nothing that I wouldn't do for them.  After allowing myself to get so stressed out that I live in pain daily, I am learning to extend some grace to myself.  It's ok to take care of myself.  If you are the kind of person who would judge me for that then please understand I am a work in progress.  I am not who I want to be, but I am changing into the person God wants me to be.  All of the other expectations just don't matter!

Something's Gotta Give

For those who don't know the back story, I had a brain tumor when I was younger.  I was four years old.  It was Mother's Day.  Mom won flowers for having the most children at church with her.  My brother rode home with Mama while I rode with my sisters.  Mom always said she knew something was wrong when she made it home before we did.  We never made it home that day.  We had a really bad accident.  My sisters were pretty banged up.  They would later find out that I broke my pelvis.  Shortly, after the accident my right eye started to cross.  After many doctor's appointments, a lovely neurosurgeon, Dr. Reid found out that I had an arachnoid cyst (aka a brain tumor) that had to be removed.  They had hoped that removing the tumor would correct my vision problems.  They removed the tumor and days later I was back in the OR having a VP shunt (a tube that extends from my brain into my belly) put in.  That's right. I had hydrocephlus.  Later I had to have corrective eye surgery.  I haven't had any problems with my shunt since then.


About ten years ago I developed a headache that wouldn't go away.  Nothing I took OTC would make it go away.  I had all kinds of neurological tests done.  Everything checked out.  They tried to medicate me.  Nothing helped.  They tried massage therapy.  With that the pain was less intense, but it never went away. I had that headache (the exact same headache from DAY 1!) for over a year.  The doctors finally determined that they were stress headahces.  One day I woke up and realized I hadn't been in pain for a couple days. 


At some point last week I started having stress headaches.  I tried all kinds of OTC stuff but nothing helped.   Yesterday, I started having pain around my shunt so I decided to go in to be checked out.  When I arrived the doctor gave me a hydrocodone, did some basic neurological tests and ordered a CT.  I had the pain meds around 8 PM, but they didn't help at all.  In fact, I left the hospital in more pain than I was in when I got there.  After the CT scan came back the doctor said everything was clear.  He offered me more pain medicine before I left.  I looked at him and told him that I had been through this before and that nothing would help the pain.  I thanked him and declined the medicine.  I don't want to put medicine in my body that won't help.  He told me that he understood, but felt bad for me.  He offered to give me a Valium to relax after he made sure I had a ride home.  I took that around 11 PM last night.   John had to call in because I couldn't be alone.


I woke up this morning barely knowing what world I was in.  I tried to talk but it was all I could do to concentrate enough to get the words from my brain to my mouth.  I scared John to death.  I have stayed in a daze all day long.  Even now, I still feel really loopy.  I will take the pain over this feeling any day.  I have slept more than I have been awake today.  Now, I am ready to go back to bed.


The good news in all of this is that it was determined that I am having stress headaches again.  The bad news is that this pain will continue until all of the stress is resolved.  I started trying to pinpoint the issues when the headaches started.  There's really only 3-4 major stressful issues in my life right now.  Most of these I can work through, but a couple of them there's nothing I can do to control the stress.  Here's to hoping this thing doesn't stick around long!  Please pray for me.


Blessings,

Weight Loss Mama