For the longest time I have tried to make me fit into the box that everyone said I should belong in. Everyone longs for acceptance. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone wants to be liked by their peers, family, co-workers, etc. In my teen years I had built up such walls that I didn't really care what others thought about me. I wish I could say that was still true.
Somewhere along the way I started caring what others thought about me. I wanted to be the parent that everyone looked up to. I wanted to be the parent who had everything together and whose children never talked back to her, always behaved, and were always respectful toward others. I mean, who really DOESN'T want these things? I think everyone wants to be the one other parents dream about being. I have made myself miserable with this image that the average person will never measure up to. One of my "go to" people for parenting advice is Jimbob and Michelle Duggar. They are wonderful Christian parents who never yell or lose their temper with their kids. Everyone who watches them will attest to the wonderful parents they are. Then I look at myself.
Last night, our Pastor preached on being the person God created YOU to be. He told a story of his own children. One of them is very musically talented, while another is a wonderful home-maker. Neither of them were happy with what they had because they were too focused on what they weren't. It wasn't until they both embraced the people God created THEM to be that they were truly happy. Boy, could I ever relate to that.
When I look at myself I focus on what I am not. I am not the most patient person. I am a mom who has 5 kids living at home. We homeschool, too. Most days I sit and think "wow, I wish I had it together like Mrs. So and So. I wish that my kids behaved better. I wish they didn't want to scream all the time. My house is one of the noisest around. It doesn't matter if they are happy, sad, mad, scared, etc. They just like to scream! I do my best to curb the noise, but it just doesn't happen. I stopped calling people because of a comment a friend made one day while I was on the phone with them.
My kids wear me out! I love them to death. I wouldn't change ANYTHING big about my life. Sure I wish my house was quieter, but I have learned to embrace the noise. I spent many years with a clean, quiet house with very empty arms. I remember when we were doing foster care that I would have to schedule visits first thing in the morning or else my house would be a disaster. I tried to schedule visits when John would be home because I couldn't have a conversation otherwise. My kids are just little balls of energy who love almost anyone and feed off each others' behavior.
Late last year there wasn't a day that went by that John didn't come home from work to me in tears because I was so emotionally spent. Between case workers, therapies, appts, court dates, not to mention being the mom to 5 under 8 (including an infant and 2 toddlers) I just couldn't take it anymore. I nearly killed myself trying to take care of everything because I wanted to be the wife whose husband came home and didn't have any responsibilities. The past several weeks I have been going out every single night after John gets home. He takes care of dinner and bedtime. I usually grab something for dinner and read, do my Bible study, make my weekly call to Dad/Bonus Mama. I take some time just to unwind from the day. Most of the time my husband is very understanding and encouraging of this. He has his moments where he just needs my help that night so I will come home and help out.
Yes, I wish that I was the wife/mom who never needed a break. I am just not that person. It is ok to have help. It's ok to expect my husband to help care for OUR kids. It's ok that my kids are a little more lively than the average children. They are awesome kids, even if they don't fit into someone's (or even my own) mold of the perfect child! My goal in life is only to please God. If I do that then everything else will fall into place.
So here is my confession! I am a Christian Mama who is a slight control freak. (I am having to learn to let go of that control that I *think* I have. I am learning I am in control of nothing besides my own actions.) I am get my hair done (although my hair dresser would say not nearly often enough), my nails done, have massages and goes out each night to unwind. My husband and kids help with the chores. I love my family to death. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for them. After allowing myself to get so stressed out that I live in pain daily, I am learning to extend some grace to myself. It's ok to take care of myself. If you are the kind of person who would judge me for that then please understand I am a work in progress. I am not who I want to be, but I am changing into the person God wants me to be. All of the other expectations just don't matter!
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