It's My One Year Surgery-versary

Scars By I Am They

Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
‘Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll use

So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I’m standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before
No, I don’t have to fear anymore

I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory

So I’m thankful for Your scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And with my life I will tell of who You are
‘Cause forever I am thankful for

I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Today marks my one year surgery-versary. I am writing this just after midnight. I have dreaded this post for weeks. The last 16 months (when I first started with clinic until now) have been a real rollercoaster of emotions, physical accomplishments and setbacks, and spiritual trials and feats. I am so glad I didn't know all that I was getting into because to be honest, I am not sure I would have signed up. I do not regret my surgery, but I know if I had known what was on this side of things prior to surgery I would have decided it was too much for me to handle and quit before I started. Thank God, He only gives us the knowledge we need for the season we are in. Amen? 

This last year has tested me physically. In the three months before surgery, I struggled with losing weight. I weighed 281 just before going to Clinic for the first time. Surgery Day I weighed 241.8. Tuesday I weighed in at 197.9. If you look back, I have lost 83.1 lbs since I started with clinic, but only 43.9 lbs since surgery. While I am trying to be proud of that (and I am), I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am disappointed that it wasn't more. Often it is hard to focus on where I've come from because all I can see is how far I still need to go (60-90 lbs left). I know I can do this and I will continue to "do this" until I meet my goal, but it is disappointing and I would be remiss if I didn't share that with you. 

This last year (fifteen months) has tested me emotionally. I think I have felt every emotion I have ever felt at least twice and some WAY more than that. It has been a real TRIP to say the least! Dollywood has nothing on the ride I have been on. Some days were really good and some days were just... NOT! I can be anyone else's biggest cheerleader, I am my own worst critic. There were days that I was my own hype man and other days Satan had me right where he wanted me and I allowed him to do it. (Why do we do that? Still trying to figure that one out!) Some days even the good was overshadowed by the negative and that is just the nature of the beast, especially when the beast is accompanied by depression and anxiety. 

This last year has tested me spiritually. Although, I did have a major breakthrough in my walk with Christ this year, I had to experience some very low points, too. I am thankful for all God allowed me to walk through because I wouldn't have made it to where I am if I hadn't had those struggles, but there was more than a time or two where I looked up at Him and just asked "Really, God?" (And if that doesn't make me a good enough Christian in your eyes then that is on you because for once I can say that I know exactly where I stand with God and I know He can handle my questions.)

This last year has made me. God has been shaping me into a new person. He's not finished. I have a long ways to go, but I am not giving up. I may feel behind in my goal progress, but I'm not giving up. I may have experienced some regain, but I'm not giving up. It may seem like two steps forward, one step back some days, but I'm not giving up. I will reach my goals. Perhaps not on my original timeline, but I will get there. With God's help and grace. I will get there. 

Seven Month Update

 Yesterday was my seven month post-op appointment. I was dreading the appointment because I hadn't been doing my strength training. I was early so I read my book until I was called back. I got on the scale I had lost so that was good. I was prepared for the usual speech of that wasn't enough, though. That didn't happen. The appointment was with the exercise physiologist. I had only seen her one other time. She was so encouraging. She told me the amount of weight I lost was great. It was better than gaining. She said that even though I was only doing cardio, that was more than a lot of people were doing. She set there and gave me percentages and everything. She was impressed that I was going to therapy. It was just an over all breath of fresh air. Now please do not get me wrong, if I need to be fussed at then I want the correction even though correction is painful. However, when all you get is correction, and it seems they only focus on where you are weak or struggling and never praise you, you will definitely get discouraged. This was the appointment I needed to keep me going. Unfortunately, this was my last appointment with her. Unless I "need" her, my program doesn't have any more appointments with her. I will see the nutritionist in December. Those visits are normally virtual visits, but this time she will be in the local office so I will get to see her there. I am looking forward to it/not looking forward to it at the same time. Hopefully we can get some helpful insights. I go back next month to meet with the PA/NP (not sure what she is) so we will see how that goes. I found out yesterday I have lost just over 55 pounds since my first appointment with them and lost 10% of my BMI. I was happy about that! 

Two Week Post-Op Check-Up

(THIS POST CONTAINS TMI INFO. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)

 So I had my two week post-op check up today. I was dreading it so badly. I have cried. I have yelled. I have been frustrated. I have vented to my husband. And that was all before the appointment. I knew it wasn't going to go well and I was not ready for it...and ready for it to be over with at the same time. Ever been there? Yeah, that is where I was! 

I am an obsessive weigh-er. I weigh daily. I only record my weight here once a week, but I weigh daily. The scale just hasn't been moving in a way that I want it to. When I got home from the hospital I started taking something to prevent constipation per the doctors orders. Yeah, it didn't work. So I took something more (again per doctor's orders) and it helped a bit but I am still struggling in that department. Also prior to surgery I was drinking 140 ounces of WATER a day in addition to any other liquids I had so I was well hydrated. The last two weeks, I was told by my doctor to drink 64 oz and that was to include my protein shakes, juices, etc. Pretty much, since I was on a liquid diet, if it went in my mouth it counted in my 64 ounces. Well, I misunderstood and thought I could ONLY have 64 ounces so that is what I did. 

Fast forward to today...According to the doctor's scale I have lost ONE POUND since surgery. I am disappointed. Even though they didn't say it, they were disappointed. All they said was that hopefully we would see more of an improvement with everything by my next appointment in two weeks. I hope so too because I am really frustrated with myself. I have ate/drank nothing but liquids for the last 2.5 weeks and feel like I have nothing to show for it. 

The only good news that came from today is that I graduated to pureed foods today. Stage Two here I come! 

Post-Op Day 1

 I am not really sure how to count post-op days. Yesterday was surgery day so I am counting today as post-op day 1. Any way...The surgery went well. They were able to complete the surgery all at one time. There was talk prior of saying they may have to do the sleeve part of the surgery then go back and do the switch part. I am thankful that it was all done in one surgery because I do not think that my insurance would cover a second surgery and I am not sure I would want to go through a second surgery. I am in a bit of pain. The pain meds dull the pain but do not completely relieve it, but that is ok. The bad part is my liver is enlarged. The doctor said that he has hopes that it will shrink the longer I am on my new diet. If you are reading this please pray for me. 

Emotionally, I am doing ok, but just ok. Last night, Cindy stayed with me and for the first time I watched My 600-Pound Life. They had a lady on there who'd had The Sleeve procedure previously but she'd gained all of her weight back and then some. I have the resolve that I am going to do this and that I will not go back to my old habits, BUT after spending a lifetime of dieting and failing it scares me to think that this will be another failed attempt. I mean, I know it won't be...but it still scares me. 

So that is my update for now. I will be chilling in between my walks. I have to drink every 15 minutes to prevent dehydration. I am only allowed two ounces per 15 minutes right now. This will continue for two weeks until I return to the doctor. This is Phase One. 

Five Days To Go

I had my Pre-Admission Testing this week. I was dreading it because I didn't know what all was involved. It turned out all it I had to do was have an EKG and bloodwork. No big deal...or so I thought. I have always been a hard stick. They couldn't get a vein and when they did get a vein I wouldn't bleed or wouldn't bleed enough. Hospital policy says that each person could only stick me two times. I saw four people. That's right. They stuck me eight times! I just have really bad veins. Thankfully, that part is past me. After that, I went to my pre-op appointment with my bariatric office. I saw the PA. She was really nice. I left the office with a huge list of new (temporary) prescriptions and pre/post-op instructions. 

Today, I packed my bags for the hospital. Yeah, I know it is almost a week away, but it helps me (and my anxiety) to do things early. Everything is now in the van just waiting for Surgery Morning. I am excited! 

Good-bye Insulin

 As of today, I am no longer an insulin-dependent diabetic! I am so excited!! I am so thankful to God and so proud of myself because of the goals that I have met before surgery! Surgery is only going to take me so much further!

Diet Class

 Before surgery I have a diet class, a pre-op appt at the hospital, and a pre-op appt with my surgeon I have to complete. Wednesday was my diet class. They weighed me. I am officially down 20 lbs since I started my surgery journey in October. The class was pretty informative and at the same time kind of boring. They went over the first phase of recovery and all of the hospital stay stuff. This is going to be a long road, but I knew that. I am ready to get this show started, though. I am excited and nervous still. 

I have started my 800 calorie pre-op diet and because of that, I had to go down to one hour of walking a day. After my first walk of the day I have "jelly legs" and have problems feeling like my legs are - well - jelly. I can't describe it better than that. It lasts all day. Hopefully, I will be able to adjust and pick up my other two walks before surgery but if not then we will see what I decide to do after recovery. 

26 days left!! 

Houston, We Have A Date!!

The last few days I have obsessively watched my insurance's website waiting for the approval for my surgery to come through so I could call my bariatric doctor's office to schedule my surgery. My insurance company acted like I would know before the doctor's office did. Imagine my surprise when my doctor's office called yesterday and left a message for me to call them to schedule my surgery. I called them back immediately and now we have a date...February 26th!!! 

Of course there is a lot of prep to do in the mean time. I have to go on a more restrictive (800 calorie) diet for a month. I have a diet class, pre-op testing at the hospital, a pre-op appointment with my surgeon. It seems like the list is never ending but it will be worth it. I am so excited, but I am a little scared too. Life is about to get very different for me. 

Just Putting This Out There

 For the last several years, I have toyed with the idea of weight loss surgery. In fact, almost sixteen years ago, shortly after my mom passed I attended a seminar for said surgery. I found out that I would need to have the most drastic surgery because of my weight at the time. It scared the life right out of me so I left and didn't go back. It has always been in the back of my mind but I have always been too scared. The last couple months, though, have been different. I have thought about it more seriously. Today, I woke up and had a Come-to-Jesus meeting with my husband about everything and decided to look into everything again. 

I spent the day talking to my insurance company. I found out that they require I have a psychological evaluation as well as 3 months of medically supervised dieting. That is really it from them. I found out that there are two offices that are approved through our insurance and toyed with them all day and finally picked one based on a couple things. I did a web-seminar through them today. Then, I filled out all of my medical history paperwork through them. Now, I am waiting on a phone appointment with a nurse through my insurance company that will happen first thing Monday morning. After that, I just wait for the clinic to call me with an appointment to meet with the surgeon. 

How am I feeling? I am scared out of my wits. This is scary. It is scary to have my body sliced and diced all for a chance that this will work. I am scared this WON'T work. After all, everything else up to this point has failed. Why should this work? I am scared that this WILL work. I have been the fat person my entire life. Well, I am sure there was a point in my childhood when I wasn't fat, but even in my earliest memories I was the fat kid. Who will I be if I am not her? Am I strong enough physically to make it through this journey? Well, I know the answer is no, but in my weakness He will be my strength. Am I emotionally/spiritually strong enough to make it through this journey? Again, I do not know. What I do know is that what I am doing is NOT working and I want to live a life worthy of living. I want to see grandbabies and great grands. I want to travel with my husband. I want to live life well instead of just surviving. Financially, this is scary. The surgery and post surgery journey is not cheap. I am looking at ways to make it more affordable so if you are reading this and have any ideas please let me know. Insurance only pays a portion of the surgery. There are also post surgery fees through the clinic. It's all a lot to take in. It is scary, but the will of God won't lead me where the grace of God can't keep me, right? 

If you have read this far - thank you! My blogs are usually a jumbled mess and this one was no different. Please pray for my next steps if you are the praying type. I appreciate you. Maybe Mama really will lose it one day...Just maybe.

Mama