It's My One Year Surgery-versary

Scars By I Am They

Waking up to a new sunrise
Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn’t trade it for anything
‘Cause my brokenness brought me to You
And these wounds are a story You’ll use

So I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Now I’m standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I’m not who I was before
No, I don’t have to fear anymore

I can see, I can see
How You delivered me
In Your hands, In Your feet
I found my victory

So I’m thankful for Your scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And with my life I will tell of who You are
‘Cause forever I am thankful for

I’m thankful for the scars
‘Cause without them I wouldn’t know Your heart
And I know they’ll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

Today marks my one year surgery-versary. I am writing this just after midnight. I have dreaded this post for weeks. The last 16 months (when I first started with clinic until now) have been a real rollercoaster of emotions, physical accomplishments and setbacks, and spiritual trials and feats. I am so glad I didn't know all that I was getting into because to be honest, I am not sure I would have signed up. I do not regret my surgery, but I know if I had known what was on this side of things prior to surgery I would have decided it was too much for me to handle and quit before I started. Thank God, He only gives us the knowledge we need for the season we are in. Amen? 

This last year has tested me physically. In the three months before surgery, I struggled with losing weight. I weighed 281 just before going to Clinic for the first time. Surgery Day I weighed 241.8. Tuesday I weighed in at 197.9. If you look back, I have lost 83.1 lbs since I started with clinic, but only 43.9 lbs since surgery. While I am trying to be proud of that (and I am), I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I am disappointed that it wasn't more. Often it is hard to focus on where I've come from because all I can see is how far I still need to go (60-90 lbs left). I know I can do this and I will continue to "do this" until I meet my goal, but it is disappointing and I would be remiss if I didn't share that with you. 

This last year (fifteen months) has tested me emotionally. I think I have felt every emotion I have ever felt at least twice and some WAY more than that. It has been a real TRIP to say the least! Dollywood has nothing on the ride I have been on. Some days were really good and some days were just... NOT! I can be anyone else's biggest cheerleader, I am my own worst critic. There were days that I was my own hype man and other days Satan had me right where he wanted me and I allowed him to do it. (Why do we do that? Still trying to figure that one out!) Some days even the good was overshadowed by the negative and that is just the nature of the beast, especially when the beast is accompanied by depression and anxiety. 

This last year has tested me spiritually. Although, I did have a major breakthrough in my walk with Christ this year, I had to experience some very low points, too. I am thankful for all God allowed me to walk through because I wouldn't have made it to where I am if I hadn't had those struggles, but there was more than a time or two where I looked up at Him and just asked "Really, God?" (And if that doesn't make me a good enough Christian in your eyes then that is on you because for once I can say that I know exactly where I stand with God and I know He can handle my questions.)

This last year has made me. God has been shaping me into a new person. He's not finished. I have a long ways to go, but I am not giving up. I may feel behind in my goal progress, but I'm not giving up. I may have experienced some regain, but I'm not giving up. It may seem like two steps forward, one step back some days, but I'm not giving up. I will reach my goals. Perhaps not on my original timeline, but I will get there. With God's help and grace. I will get there.