Accountability

Clumsy 
By Chris Rice

You'd think I'd have it right by now

Been practicing for thirty years

I should've walked a thousand miles

So what am I still doing here

Reaching out for that same ole piece of forbidden fruit

I slip and fall and I knock my halo lose

Somebody tell me what's a boy supposed to do

I get so clumsy, I get so foolish

I get so stupid then I feel so useless

But You're saying You Love me

And You're still gonna hold me

And You want to be near me

Cause You're making me holy

Still making me holy, yeah

I'm gonna get it right this time

I'll be strong and I'll make You proud

I've prayed that prayer a thousand times

And the rooster crows and my tears roll down again

But You remind me You made me from the dust

And I can never, no never be good enough

And that You're not gonna let that come between us.

I get so clumsy, I get so foolish

I get so stupid then I feel so useless

But You're saying You Love me

And You're still gonna hold me

And You want to be near me

Cause You're making me holy

Still making me holy, yeah

From where I stand Your holiness is up so high

I could never reach it.

My only hope is to fall on Jesus

I get so clumsy, I get so foolish

I get so stupid then I feel so useless

But You're saying You Love me

And You're still gonna hold me

And You want to be near me

Cause You're making me holy

Still making me holy, yeah


I have been half-heartedly trying for the past 6 months to get the passion back that I felt for this journey in the beginning.  Once the newness wore off it was harder and harder.  Trouble set in and life got in the way.  Now here I am.  I am determined that things are going to change, though.  I have said that a lot for the last couple months.


God has been dealing with me a lot lately about where my heart is.  Our new church has been challenging me a lot about where I am in my life.  My heart, my priorities, my life - none of these are in the right place right now.  When Mom died, I became so hardened to life.  She was the one thing in my life that was always there and now she was gone.  Here I was, in the midst of a troubled marriage, with two little beings who depended on me for everything and my entire existence was changed.  All my life I was someone's care taker.  When I was young, I always worried about Mama.  I was Mother Hen to all of the kids around me. When I was in youth group I was the one the kids came to for gum or candy. I worked in the nursery.  I just have a heart to take care of people.  Who takes care of you when you're too busy taking care of everyone else?


My spiritual life has suffered.  "I don't have the time" has become an excuse I use quite often.  I am supposed to lead my kids in the way of God but how can I do that if I am not following Him like I should?  How can He replenish my spiritual fuel tank, if I am not plugged into Him?  My priorities are all messed up.  I am rarely home in the evenings because I leave almost as soon as John gets home.  I have hid from my life long enough.  Now it is time to do things the right way.  Surrender isn't something I do easily.  I don't think any human naturally surrenders.  God gave us free will and a spirit that wants to fight for what's right.  The problem comes when we stop looking to God to tell us what is right and start looking toward others and our own human nature.


But what would happen if I trusted the One who knows me best because He created me and knows the desires of my heart far better than I ever will?  What would happen if I gave him everything?  What would He do if I stayed on the altar and stopped jumping off The Potter's Wheel?  How would my life change if I live with total abandon for what others think?  If I stopped putting human desires above God's will for my life?  What would happen if I lived with wreckless abandon and became totally sold out for Christ?  As a teenager I knew what that picture looked like.  I don't believe it would look the same as it would if I did it right now.  I cannot go live in the mission field. I am not in a place right now to open a house for unwed mothers wanting to give their babies up for adoption.  What would this picture look like right now?  Fear of the unknown is what keeps me frozen right where I am.  Fear is what keeps me from doing what God wants me to.  Fear is what keeps me from living and doing what God has called me to.  Fear is Satan's vehicle used to keep me from reaching God's potential for my life.  The sad thing is that I handed him the keys and told him to lead me and I'd follow.  (Ouch!  That sounds horrible for a Christian to admit, but it's the truth.)


I want my life to be an example of Christ.  I want to be someone who finds her self-worth in Christ and not other people's opinions or things.  I want my kids to grow up with a clear sense of who they are in Christ and that will only happen if they are taught the right way.


I wrote this to keep me accountable.  I need a spiritual parent/friend/etc to keep me accountable for where I am.  I need someone who constantly challenges me to be God's best for me.  I ask that you pray for me to be.  Please pray that I will step out of my comfort zone and allow myself to be surrounded by the people that God will place in my life help encourage me.

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. - Galatians 6:9 NKJV



Blessings,


Weight Loss Mama