When You Lose Your Joy

The last few years have been so full of ups and downs for me. Spring of 2008 we received the boys into our arms and hearts.  It was during this time of happiness six years ago that I lost Mom. She died just three days after Christmas. She was my best friend and it shook me to the very core. In the midst of grieving we welcomed Jewel-Anne (Spring 2009). Spring of 2010 we welcomed Liana and Isaiah. There has been plenty of happiness to go around. This year we are celebrating the homecoming of my husband. I have so many reasons to celebrate, but my heart still hurts. 

All of the things (not people) I love about my life no longer fill me like they used to. I am burnt out in so many ways and I don't know how to fix it. A few months ago I started counseling and it's helped, but I still feel so empty inside. My kids, while not perfect, are precious kids. My marriage is better than it's ever been. So why do I feel like this? 

What do you do when you lose your joy? I have been trying to seek God, but it's like He's hidden His face from me. I try to fill my life with things that would help me get out of this rut that I'm in, but nothing works. John has been awesome through all of this. He'll hold me and let me cry when I need to. He's trying to make sure I have more time out of the house so I can recharge. Nothing works. 

If I could have one thing for Christmas, it would be to reclaim my joy. To be able to enjoy life and embrace every moment with open arms instead of feeling panic and dread. For Christmas, I just want to be whole again. I feel so lost. 

Mama