Here We Go Again 2015

It's 2015. It's been six years since I started my weight loss journey. I've had some successes but mostly failures. However, I believe that you aren't a failure until you refuse to get back up. I think it's been about three years since I started going to the weight loss clinic. Last year, I had my doctor to write me a prescription for some Phentermine, which is what was prescribed at the weight loss clinic. I took almost all of a prescription, but then I stopped. My weight has been slowly creeping up to my original weight. When I walked into the weight loss clinic the first time, my weight was 326. (Which until yesterday, I didn't realize the significance of that number in my life. 3/26 was Mama's birthday.)

 

Yesterday, I weighed and had my blood pressure taken at Wal-mart. Of course, there's always room for error with those machines, but it said I was 323. Still under my clinic starting weight, and under my highest weight (360) but way too high. My blood pressure was something like 148/82.

 

 

I knew my weight was going up. I am back to the point that my belly sits under the steering wheel. I think one of the first big goals that I made was to be able to drive without having my belly touch the steering wheel. I am sadden and sick of what I've done to myself. I swore I would never be back to this place, but when you have an emotional eating disorder, that is what happens. I eat to find comfort. I eat when I'm bored, I eat when...well, there's not a reason I can find that I won't eat.  Then, afterwards I feel horrible. I feel horrible because I ate too much. I feel horrible because I let this have power over me. If you would have asked me 6 years ago if I had an eating disorder, I would've said no. The longer I am on this journey, I am finding out stuff I never knew. I can no longer sugar coat things in an effort to save my pride because it is killing me.

 

One of the things that have stopped me was not being able to afford the foods that I need to lose weight. Well it is tax season and time to start again. Since healthy living is so much more than just eating right, I'm starting now to get my mind in preparation for it.

 

A big change that is taking place this time is that John is going to join me. He went to the doctor the other day and his weight was 318. His blood pressure, which wasn't as high as mine, was still higher than it needs to be. The sad thing is that we are both on blood pressure medication. Our blood pressure was a "medicated" blood pressure. I wouldn't want to see what it would be if we weren't on medication. So he's decided to join me on this journey.

 

I have such a love-hate relationship with my weight. I love food. I don't LIKE  food. I LOVE it. I love it like a family member. There are things that I like that are healthy, but most of my comfort foods are not. I have conquered this battle before. I know what lies before me and I'm not looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to choosing veggies instead of cookies; protein instead of carbs, etc. None of that is appealing to me. Do you know what IS appealing, though? Fitting in my vehicle without being uncomfortable; being able to shop for clothes and know that I don't have to go to a specialty shop to get a t-shirt that fits right. Most importantly, the thought of LIVING is the most appealing. Living to raise our kids. Living to see our grandchildren. Living long enough to take care of our parents when that time comes. I want to do more than just survive. I want to live a life that makes me happy.

 

I will update more as we start our healthy eating journey, but this is the starting post.

 

 

Lisa's Weight : 323 (estimate until I get a scale for the house)

John's Weight 318 (weighed at the doctor)

 

 

Blessings,

 

Mama

Great Is Thy Faithfulness

Great is Thy faithfulness, Oh God my Father
There is no shadow of turning with Thee
Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be

Great is Thy faithfulness, Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me.


This precious old hymn is one of my favorites. As I begin a new year, this is what brings me comfort. For I know that whatever I face this year, God will be there with me. He is always faithful and merciful. I have struggled a lot since my mom passed away. The spiritual struggles have been the ones that have been the hardest to deal with. I got saved at the age of 11. There were plenty of trials along my way, but something about Mom's death shook me so hard that I sort of lost my way. Did I stop believing in God? No. I have always known that He was there. I just don't feel His presence like I used to. I don't have joy like I used to. I feel like He has turned His face from me. I have prayed for forgiveness for whatever is keeping me from Him, but to no avail. This is just a trial. It is a spiritual battle. All Christians go through them, I am no exception. This year, I will constantly remember that God is always there. Even if I cannot feel Him, He is still there. His word promises that He will never leave nor forsake me. I will stand on that no matter what I "feel."


Blessings,

Mama

Real

I don't really do New Year's resolutions. Most people do not make it to February with theirs. I do like to make a few small goals of things that I'd like to see myself complete before 2015 is over, though. Ok, I guess you could call that a resolution, but I prefer my way of thinking. ;-)

This past year has been very difficult for me. It has held great challenges. I my husband left. I got to experience life as a single mom for a while. I was able to see God move in a mighty way as He restored my marriage. 2014 has been a very big year. I found out who my real friends were and who really weren't.

Somewhere along the way of my life, I have lost who I am. I have been who everyone else thought I should be.  I have been the daughter someone else thought I should be. I had such a desire to please my mom growing up, that I truly didn't discover who I was for fear of disappointing her. I'm the wife who strived to be who everyone else thought she should be. I've been the mom who tried to measure up to everyone else's expectations of perfect. I have been the friend who would never quite let people in to see who I truly was for fear of rejection. To be honest, I am just now discovering who I am. It is a battle I fight every single day. I have lived most of my life doing things I certain way, believing that it was the only right way to do things. The struggle is real, my friend.

With much encouragement from my husband, my best friend and my therapist, I am taking 2015 to discover who I am. What I really like to do. What I really think. Most importantly, who Christ wants me to be. The most damaging thing about this "perfect" life I have tried to create was that I stopped looking to God for His standards of perfection and started looking to those who I thought had it all together. The Duggar Family, the Bates Family, my friends who I thought were perfect moms and wives. Now, that is not to say that I don't have great respect for these people or families. I have spent almost two years under the leadership of Gil Bates as my pastor. His family is great and they are very godly. They are who God has called them to be. God has not called me to be Kelly or Michelle or anyone else, though. He's called me to be Lisa - wife to John and mom to twelve amazing children. He's called me to be a mom to some amazing glory babies and five amazing "earth babies." He has also called me to be me. A person who may fail miserably, but who will get back up and try again. He has called me, in all of my imperfections, to discover who I am so I can be the wife, mom, and friend He expects me to be. So this year, I am going to set out to be REAL.

Mama

When You Lose Your Joy

The last few years have been so full of ups and downs for me. Spring of 2008 we received the boys into our arms and hearts.  It was during this time of happiness six years ago that I lost Mom. She died just three days after Christmas. She was my best friend and it shook me to the very core. In the midst of grieving we welcomed Jewel-Anne (Spring 2009). Spring of 2010 we welcomed Liana and Isaiah. There has been plenty of happiness to go around. This year we are celebrating the homecoming of my husband. I have so many reasons to celebrate, but my heart still hurts. 

All of the things (not people) I love about my life no longer fill me like they used to. I am burnt out in so many ways and I don't know how to fix it. A few months ago I started counseling and it's helped, but I still feel so empty inside. My kids, while not perfect, are precious kids. My marriage is better than it's ever been. So why do I feel like this? 

What do you do when you lose your joy? I have been trying to seek God, but it's like He's hidden His face from me. I try to fill my life with things that would help me get out of this rut that I'm in, but nothing works. John has been awesome through all of this. He'll hold me and let me cry when I need to. He's trying to make sure I have more time out of the house so I can recharge. Nothing works. 

If I could have one thing for Christmas, it would be to reclaim my joy. To be able to enjoy life and embrace every moment with open arms instead of feeling panic and dread. For Christmas, I just want to be whole again. I feel so lost. 

Mama

Who Am I?

The last year of my life has been such a roller coaster.  From the lowest of lowest, to the highest of highs and lots in the middle.  John and I separated in November of last year.  I didn't think I would ever recover from that.  Then, when I thought things couldn't get any worse, they did.  Finally, I started healing.  After much prayer, God restored my marriage.  I cannot express to you how happy this made me.


The year has also brought my stress and anxiety level to the highest place I have remember it being ever.  After increasing my medication and still having increasing anxiety attacks,  I decided to try therapy.  I searched and searched for a just the right therapist.  I wanted a woman who was a Christian.  Surprisingly, that is hard to find. I found one, but she didn't take my insurance.  I was very disappointed to find out I couldn't see her.  Then, God led me to another lady.  I understand now why I couldn't see the first one.  This therapist is an amazing person.  She is a Christian.  Our personalities mesh so well.  I am so thankful that God withholds what we THINK we want to give us what we need.


The first few sessions I have had with her have been very difficult.  Digging into your mind and bringing up issues you have tried to bury for so long is very painful.  There have been times when I decided I didn't want to go back. Even though I am miserable and know that I cannot go on like this, the misery I am in seemed like a better alternative than the misery caused by confronting my issues.  I am not quitting, though.


My first two assignments from her have been surprisingly difficult.  The first one was to sit down and write a letter to someone.  In this letter I had to write about the things I would say to them if they were in front of me.  It took me over three hours to write the letter because it was such an emotional process for me.  I would write a while.  Then, stop and cry a while.  Then I'd write a while.  Let's not forget to throw in the occasional panic attack caused from it.  It took me two weeks to get the letter to where I wanted it.  Yesterday, I read the letter to my therapist.  It was very healing, but there is still work to be done.  Please pray for me as I take the next steps in the process of healing.


The other assignment I had was completely separate from the first. Well, sort of.  She wants me to work on self care.  She wants me to start writing in a journal.  She also wants me to start scheduling time for myself.  Time to just get out of the house and go do something that I want to do. Things that will reduce my anxiety. Things that will make me happy.


That kind of brings me to the point of this blog.  I realize how stupid this sounds, but I have no idea who I am.  I know I am Lisa.  I know that I am a wife and a mom.  That's just it.  My entire life has been spent wrapped up in being something for someone else.  I was young when my grandparents died, but I remember caring for them.  I took care of my mom when she was sick.  I helped take care of Aunt Flossie.  I am a wife.  I am a mom.  There are all these labels that are attached to me, but when I strip away all those labels, I couldn't tell you who I am or what I like.  Now, I am starting a quest to find out who I really am.  I am still a wife, mom, sister, friend. I am happy to be all of those things, but I want to find out who Lisa is.


I like to read.  When I find a good book, I will read until the end, only stopping for life.  I like to sing, although I sound like Scuttle from The Little Mermaid.  Beyond that, most of the things I enjoy are wrapped up in someone else.  My journey will begin by finding new hobbies, doing new things, meeting new people. No, I am not going through a midlife crisis. I have just spent most of my life as such a homebody that I am going to get out more and live life.  Carpe Diem.

Today Should Be a Happy Day

Today should be a happy day, but instead I am sitting here with a sense of dread.  You see, today is my 10th wedding anniversary.  I remember almost every moment from that day.  Today I should be celebrating making it longer than most couples do.  Instead, I am on the track of divorce.  This is not where I planned to be.  I know everyone walks down the aisle thinking it will last forever.  I was the one who swore that I would marry one time and it would be for life.


When John first left, my whole world fell apart.  It wasn't that I was grieving for him as much as I was grieving for what would never be.  I was grieving because I had failed.  I grieved because my kids and I had became a statistic.  Sure, I missed him, but it was a welcomed break from the trouble.  I was so consumed with the anger I felt for what he was putting our kids through that I didn't have much room in my heart to miss him.


I have experienced eight month's of healing since he left.  I am at a place where I am ok most days with where my life is.  We are much better people and parents when we are separated than when we are together.  Sure, I would love it if God decided to restore our marriage, but I'm not waiting for that to happen.  I am doing the best I can to build a life for me and my kids.  He will always be a part of my life because we have five beautiful children who need us to be adults for their sake.


That is why I am surprised with my emotions about today. Today, I feel like I am mourning everything again.  I have shed some tears.  I am trying hard not to be pulled into this pit of grief.  I am fighting the impending panic attack that I can feel building.  I HATE that one "simple" date on the calendar can try to undo all of the progress I have made.  I know myself well enough to know that tomorrow will be back to normal, but today...I'm just not ok.  As I try to be strong for my kids, all I want is my own mama.  Happy anniversary to me. :-(


Mama

Bucket List

John has asked me many times what was on my bucket list. Honestly, I don't have one. There's few things I'd like to do at some point, but if I don't get to that is ok. I have finally decided to sit down and think of ME for a moment. My life is pretty wrapped up in my kids. I wouldn't have it any other way, but I am also realizing that it is ok to be Lisa instead of mommy only. So here it is - my bucket list.

1. Move to Hawaii. (A girl can dream, right?) 
2. Visit Hawaii. 
3. Visit Amish Country
4. Meet Beth Wiseman
5. Meet Amy Clipston
6. Meet Wanda Brunstetter
7. Go to the beach
8. Go to Disney
9. Buy my own house
10. Travel to all 50 states
11. Own an RV and go on a year long (or longer) road trip before my kids graduate high school.
12. Go on a girls weekend
13. Take a mini vacation by myself

This is a work in progress. I will update it more later. 

Lisa