Day 1 - And It Starts (again)

Today I went to see Dr. M for the first time in several years. I had my "annual." He also put me back on the Provera again.  This wouldn't be so bad, EXCEPT, this stuff makes me extremely moody. A normal person takes this medication for 5-10 days at a time. I will be taking it until the end of time...Ok, that is a bit dramatic, but I WILL be on it until I am ready to go through menopause. Speaking of the evil M word, this medication pretty much puts me into chemical menopause. Yay me! I don't think anyone reads my blog any more. I mainly just write as an online journal, a place for me to keep notes that I will not misplace. Anyway, if you do read this and you see me in public in the next few years.. I apologize if I am hateful. Though I do have those moments normally, this medication can make the most angelic of creatures seem like Satan himself.

So here we go....Day 1

August Health Update

 After an extremely long time without insurance, I was finally able to see the doctor and have blood drawn again. While they drew a lot of things, the only thing I really keep track of on here lately is my a1c and it was 9.1 . That is my update for now. 

Health Update

 So here I am again. I try not to post too much stuff any more because out of sight out of mind. This weekend I wasn't feeling great. Saturday, I was what-I-can-only-describe-as "off." I just wasn't feeling right. I had been extra tired for the last couple weeks (I was coming down from a CFS flare so I didn't think too much about it. Something told me to test my ketones, though. You must toss ketone strips six months after you open them. It was time for a new bottle so I stopped by Walmart on my way out and grabbed more. When I got home I tested and my ketones were measuring high. I have had some super high blood sugars and NEVER tested that high at home. When I was diagnosed with DKA, I hadn't been introduced to ketone strips yet so I do not know what they would have measured at then. So I did what any normal person would do. I felt like a woman who was just surprised by a positive pregnancy test. I took another test...then another. With each test I was sure I just had a bad bottle of test strips. So, for kicks and giggles, I used a strip out of the "old" bottle. Again, same thing. You must read the results at the 15 second mark. These strips were turning "high" before 10 seconds. So I tested my blood sugar. (Yes, I did things backwards.) It was 129. Wait just a minute. "Rules" say I shouldn't even be testing my ketones unless my blood sugar is over 150. If I had tested my blood before my ketones I wouldn't have taken the ketone tests. So I called the on call doctor for my office and they sent me to the ER. I waited in the waiting room almost 5 hours before I saw a doctor. They did bloodwork and gave me fluids. The bloodwork showed that my ketones were measuring at 80 which is the number my home test gave me. It also showed I was dehydrated. The good news was that it wasn't in my blood, though. They sent me home after I had fluids. I did not have I good visit with the ER. Some things can be overlooked. I am well aware that our health care system is strained right now due to COVID, but the ER never even asked what meds I was on or anything. They also had a host of meds on my discharge paperwork that I haven't taken since the last time I was admitted (2 years ago). 

Today I had my follow-up visit with my doctor. Have I ever mentioned how much I LOVE my doctor. He is awesome. We talked about my blood sugar. He added a new medicine for that to try to help control my levels. I have also "graduated" to the next level of diabetes today. For a while now I have been having nerve issues with my feet and some in my hands as well. I knew what this meant so I ignored it for a very long time before I brought it up. Out of sight out of mind, right? Finally, I wised up and realized that refusing to acknowledge the issues I was having didn't mean they weren't happening (pretty simple, duh!) but I was staying in pain out of my own stubbornness. We talked about things regarding the pain. I have been diagnosed with Diabetic Neuropathy. I am now on a new med to help that pain. I am hoping both of these new meds help get things under control. 

I am so frustrated with my body, though. I do not understand why I was throwing ketones with my blood sugar so low. I do not understand why I was dehydrated. I have a mug that I have with me at all times when I am home. It is a huge trucker's mug. It is always filled with ice water and it gets refilled at least 2-3 times a day. I drink well over a gallon of water in a day. When we got home at 7AM on Sunday from the ER, I told John I felt like the only solution was to stop eating anything and to start drinking enough water to give myself water poison. At this point, I hadn't slept since I got up Saturday morning. I'd had lunch at noon Saturday and hadn't eaten since then because I was stuck in the ER forever. I felt helpless and hopeless. After some sleep, I felt a little better emotionally. So here we are... we will see how these new meds help. 

Today's A1C 8.3. It has only went up 0.1 in almost a year. It isn't a good number. It could be better, but at least it is pretty stable so I will take it as a starting point. 

Mama

A Year In Books 2021

 In 2016, I started doing the "Year In Books" challenge after a friend of mine started doing it. The first year, I set a goal for myself to read twelve books. My reading desire comes in waves so I thought I could easily cover that many in a year. I ended up reading over fifty. When I was thinking about my challenge for 2017, I decided my goals would be fifty-two books. I had proven I could do at least one book a week. I surpassed that more than triple. The goal for 2018 was 75 books and I completed 160 books.  In 2019, I decided that each year my goal would be 100 books. I surpassed that goal with 110 books. 2020 was a hard year in so many ways. The world experienced the beginning of a pandemic and I was grieving the loss of my father. I have found that I do not read as much when I am stressed. Still, I have have surpassed my goal of 100 books. With 3 days left of 2020, I just completed book 105. I am excited to see what 2021 brings to my world in books. I look forward to reading more of my beloved favorite authors, Kirsten Osbourne, Keira K. Barton and a few others, as well as many new authors. I cannot wait to get started! 

1. Adoring April By Caroline Lee

2. Marvelous May By Kirsten Osborne

3. His Guarded Heart By Jo Noelle

4. A Change of Heart By Jo Noelle

5. Lucas' Lady By Caroline Lee

6. Verrick's Vixen By Caroline Lee

7. A Cheyenne Christmas By Caroline Lee

8. Trudie's Tears By Kirsten Osbourne

9. Jilting June By Caroline Lee

10. Just July By Kirsten Osbourne

11. The Decision By Wanda Brunstetter

12. Amish Widow's Hope By Samantha Price

13. The Pregnant Amish Widow By Samantha Price

14. Amish Widow's Faith By Samantha Price

15. Mail-Order Maid By Kirsten Osbourne

16.  Their Son's Amish Baby By Samantha Price

17. Amish Widow's Proposal By Samantha Price

18. The Pregnant Amish Nanny By Samantha Price

19. Astonishing August By Caroline Lee

20. A Pregnant Amish Widow's Vacation By Samantha Price

21. The Amish Firefighter's Widow By Samantha Price

22. Amish Widow's Secret By Samantha Price

23. Sweet September By Kirsten Osbourne

24. The Middle-Aged Amish Widow By Samantha Price

25. Amish Widow's Escape By Samantha Price

26. Amish Widow's Christmas By Samantha Price

27. Expectant Amish Widow's New Hope By Samantha Price

28. Amish Widow's Story By Samantha Price

29. Amish Widow's Decision By Samantha Price

30. Holli's Heart By Kirsten Osbourne

31. Amish Widow's Trust By Samantha Price

32. Only October By Caroline Lee

33. The Amish Potato Farmer's Widow By Samantha Price

34. Amish Widow's Tears By Samantha Price

35. Amish Widow's Heart By Samantha Price

36. Mail Order Match By Kirsten Osbourne

37. Narrating November By Kirsten Osbourne

38. The Amish Bachelor By Samantha Price

39. His Amish Romance By Samantha Price

40. Joshua's Choice By Samantha Price

41. Forbidden Amish Romance By Samantha Price

42. The Quiet Amish Bachelor By Samantha Price

43. The Determined Amish Bachelor By Samantha Price

44. Amish Bachelor's Secret By Samantha Price  

45. The Gambler's Amish Baby By Samantha Price 

46. Katie's Keepsake By Kirsten Osbourne

47. Darling December By Caroline Lee

48. The Promise By Samantha Price 

49. Abandoned By Samantha Price

50. Amish Baby Surprise By Samantha Price

51. Amish Baby Gift By Samantha Price

52. Amish Christmas Baby Gone By Samantha Price

53. A Better Amish Life By Samantha Price

54. Amish Mercy By Samantha Price

55. Amish Honor By Samantha Price

56. Besotted Bob By Kirsten Osbourne

57. A Simple Kiss By Samantha Price

58. Amish Joy By Samantha Price

59. Amish Family Secrets By Samantha Price

60. The Englisher By Samantha Price

61. Missing Florence By Samantha Price

62. Their Amish Stepfather By Samantha Price

63. A Baby For Florence By Samantha Price

64. Mail Order Malarkey By Kirsten Osbourne

65. Amish Bliss By Samantha Price

66. Amish Apple Harvest By Samantha Price

67. Amish Mayhem By Samantha Price

68. The Cost of Lies By Samantha Price

69. Amish Winter of Hope By Samantha Price

70. Stranded in Salt Lake By Kirsten Osbourne

71. Mail Order Mishap By Kirsten Osbourne

72. Mail Order Man By Kirsten Osbourne

73. A Baby for Joy By Samantha Price

74. The Amish Meddler By Samantha Price

75. The Unsuitable Amish Bride By Samantha Price

76. Her Amish Farm By Samantha Price

77. The Unsuitable Amish Wedding By Samantha Price

78. Adopted in Arkansas By Kirsten Osbourne

79. Her Amish Secret By Samantha Price

80. Mail Order Moonlight By Kirsten Osbourne

81. Amish Harvest Mayhem By Samantha Price

82. Amish Family Quilt By Samantha Price

83. Hope's Amish Wedding By Samantha Price

84. The Amish Woman and Her Last Hope By Samantha Price

85. The Amish Woman and Her Secret Baby By Samantha Price

86. The Amish Widower's Promise By Samantha Price

87. The Amish Visitors By Samantha Price

88. The Amish Dreamer By Samantha Price

89. The Amish School Teacher By Samantha Price

90. Amish Baby Blessing By Samantha Price

91. Amish Christmas Wedding By Samantha Price

92.

93.

94.

95.

96.

97.

98.

99.

100.

It Wasn't Long Enough

Seven years ago, I went to see the movie October Baby. It is a movie about a young woman who finds out that she is the survivor of a failed abortion. She also finds out that she was adopted. A dear friend had recommended this movie to me because we are family created through adoption. She had no idea the impact that it would have on ME, though. You see, at twenty-eight years old, I had never met my biological father. I will stop at this point and say that I am not the survivor of an abortion, but a lot of the feelings that the main character (Hannah) feels, I too have felt. When I watched the movie the first time, I sat in the theater and cried. I wept through the entire movie. By the end of the movie, I vowed that I WOULD find my father this time. I had made the decision many times before, but I had chickened out. Fear is a very powerful thing. I couldn't handle the thought that he would reject me. I went home and searched for him. I finally found the info I needed to contact him. The first couple times I called, I didn't get an answer. I had almost let the fear I felt stop me from contacting him, but then God brought this song into my life. It is called "The Right Time." It is a love song about the artist's relationship with his wife, but the words resonated with me because of my relationship with my father. With tears once again flooding my shirt, I knew then and there that I couldn't allow the fear I had overtake me and keep me from doing what I had to do. I finally contacted him.

On May 20, 2012, I sat in an abandon parking lot waiting to meet my Dad for the first time. I have many character flaws, but one of them is that I have to be exceptionally early to any place I go. This day was no exception. I think I got there at least an hour before the time we agreed to meet. As I write this, I can still see and feel everything from that day. I was so scared. I had already told my husband that he was going to hate me (another character flaw - chronically low self-esteem) before I left the house. I prayed. I fought the urge to run. I fought the urge to puke. We repeated all of this until he finally showed up. Ok, there was no way I could run now. I got out of the van to everything I had dreamed about my entire life. I finally had my Daddy. We talked for a while. It was very awkward, but it was beautiful. I met his beautiful wife - the lady I would come to know as my Bonus Mama. I met one of my sisters. She was (is) also very beautiful. I gave him a photo album before I left that day. My sister took pictures of us. Before I left, he hugged me.

Monday night, December 23, 2019, I received a Facebook message from my sister telling me that Dad was in the hospital and he was in very bad shape. I told her I would be there first thing the next morning. I spent a lot of the next day (Christmas Eve) at the hospital. The news wasn't what any of us had hoped. We found out that his condition wasn't improving. They had to wait until the next day to do brain scans to confirm, but they were pretty sure that his brain would never recover (yes, I am dancing around that phrase because I cannot bring myself to say it.) The next day (Christmas Day) the scans were done. We met with the doctor who confirmed what we already knew. Our dad would never be coming back to us. Each of us took turns going in to say what we needed to before Dad would make his journey to Heaven. Dad made his journey to Heaven as his wife and I held his hands. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it was something I will cherish forever. He wasn't there for my first breath, but I was there for his last.

Our relationship is something I will always cherish. He was a man of few words with me. We struggled to find our place in each others' lives. We exchanged many hugs over the next few years. There was so much I wish I had said to him. He never told me he loved me, but I said it many times. We never addressed the elephant in the room while he was here. I do not know his side of things.  I was so afraid to address the hard stuff for fear that he would shut me out. Now, the whys and what ifs of yesterday seem less important.  I do wish I would have heard him say I love you. At his bedside, his wife told me that they talked about me often and that he really did love me. I guess he loved me the only way he knew how. I wish I would have had the courage to tell him I forgave him for the choices he made that led to me not being a part of his life. Maybe he wouldn't have cared, but I do think he needed to hear it. At the very least, I needed him to hear me say it. There is so much I wish he could hear me say. I didn't start loving him seven years ago. I loved him my entire life. I dreamed and hoped and prayed. I am so grateful for the time that I got with him, but it wasn't long enough. It wasn't nearly long enough.

I've learned the unknown ain't as scary as you think/

And the best things don't always hang around for those who wait/

If you are waiting for the right time the right time will fly right by/

Always planning never moving always praying but never doing/

It ain't living if you're just spending your life waiting for the right time.

A Year In Books 2020

In 2016, I started doing the "Year In Books" challenge after a friend of mine started doing it. The first year, I set a goal for myself to read twelve books. My reading desire comes in waves so I thought I could easily cover that many in a year. I ended up reading over fifty. When I was thinking about my challenge for 2017, I decided my goals would be fifty-two books. I had proven I could do at least one book a week. I surpassed that more than triple. The goal for 2018 was 75 books. As I am writing this, there are three days left of 2018 and I have completed over 150 books. In 2019, I decided that each year my goal would be 100 books. For 2019 I read just over 100. I am excited to kick off 2020. I have a list of books and new authors, as well as beloved favorites that I cannot wait to get into! Here we go. 

1. Her Christmas Vixen By Ginny Sterling
2. Comet's Blazing Love By Jenna Brandt
3. Cupid Takes A Wife By Marie Higgins
4. Donner Let Her Go By Amelia C. Adams
5. Blitzen the CEO By Lisa M. Prysock
6. Rudolph's Runaway Bride By George H. McVey
7. Mommy's Kissing Santa By Kit Morgan
8. Married By Midnight By Christine Sterling
9. Mail-Order Magic By Kirsten Osbourne
10. Healing His Heart By Jo Noelle

11. Gallant Golfer By Cindy Caldwell

12. Bridget's Beau By Kirsten Osbourne

13. Matched in Minnesota By Kirsten Osbourne

14. I Still Believe By Jeremy Camp

15. Cute Cowboy By Pamela M. Kelley

16. Hannah's Hanky By Kirsten Osbourne

17. Mary's Musket By Kirsten Osbourne

18. Welcome Wagon By Amelia C. Adams

19. Mail Order Meals By Kirsten Osbourne

20. Sarsaprilla Showdown By Caroline Lee

21. Mischievous Maid By Cindy Caldwell

22. Baker's Bob By Kirsten Osbourne

23. Merry Manager By Pamela M. Kelley

24. Santa's Shopkeeper By Amelia C. Adams

25. Blacksmith's Beauty By Caroline Lee

26. Discovering Dani By Cindy Caldwell

27. The Confused Cowboy By Keira K. Barton

28. Bob's Bride by Kirsten Osbourne

29. Bernie's Birthday By Pamela M. Kelley

30. Cade's Convenience By Caroline Lee

31. Delivering Destiny By Amelia C. Adams

32. Trusting Tristan By Caroline Lee

33. Snickerdoodle Secrets By Cindy Caldwell

34. Forever Family By Kirsten Osbourne

35. Jim's Joy By Kirsten Osbourne

36. Missing Melissa By Pamela M. Kelley

37. Lucky Lifeguard By Amelia C. Adams

38. Midwife's Marvel By Caroline Lee

39. Bashful Banker By Cindy Caldwell

40. Peppermint Proposal By Kirsten Osbourne

41. The Courageous Cowboy By Keira K. Barton

42. Decker's Daughter By Caroline Lee

43. Margaret's Music Box By Kirsten Osbourne

44. Jingle-Bell Jam By Pamela M. Kelley

45. Poinsettia Promises By Amelia C. Adams

46. Yukon Yuletide By Caroline Lee

47. Mistletoe Mistake By Cindy Caldwell

48. Christmas Catch-up I By Kirsten Osbourne

49. Christmas Catch-up II By Pamela M. Kelley

50. Christmas Catch-up III By Amelia C. Adams

51. Christmas Catch-up IV By Caroline Lee

52. Christmas Catch-up V By Cindy Caldwell

53. Doctor's Delight By Kirsten Osbourne

54. Ted's Temptress By Kirsten Osbourne

55. Billionaire's Baby By Pamela M. Kelley

56. Candy Crush By Amelia C. Adams

57. Finding Fortune By Caroline Lee

58. Picture Perfect By Cindy Caldwell

59. Facing Fears By Kirsten Osbourne

60. Wyatt's Wager By Caroline Lee
61. Teasing Tammy By Pamela M. Kelley

62. The Clueless Cowboy By Keira K. Barton

63. Paislee's Path By Amelia C. Adams

64. Micah's Marvel By Kirsten Osbourne

65. Bigfoot Believer By Caroline Lee

66. The Criminal Cowboy By Keira K. Barton

67. Seth's Secret By Caroline Lee

68. Betty's Books By Kirsten Osbourne

69. Aaron's Angel By Kirsten Osbourne
70. Second-Chance Sweethearts By Cindy Caldwell
71. Blake's Baby By Caroline Lee
72. Romancing Rachel By Pamela M. Kelley
73. Cody's Crush By Kirsten Osbourne
74. Pet Peeves By Amelia C. Adams
75. Stepdad Surprise By Caroline Lee
76. Teaching Tamlyn By Cindy Caldwell
77. Make-Believe Marriage By Pamela M. Kelley
78. Rhodey's Road Trip By Caroline Lee
79. Karaoke Kisses By Amelia C. Adams

80. Chasing Change By Caroline Lee

81. Don's Darling  By Kirsten Osbourne

82. Fanning Flames By Cindy Caldwell

83. Jennifer's Journey By Kirsten Osbourne

84. Penelope's Pearls By Kirsten Osbourne

85. Christmas Catch-Up VI By Kirsten Osbourne

86. Christmas Catch-Up VII By Pamela M. Kelley

87. Christmas Catch-Up VIII By Amelia C. Adams

88. Christmas Catch-Up IX By Caroline Lee

89. Christmas Catch-Up X By Cindy Caldwell 

90. Falling Fast By Caroline Lee

91. Colton's Cowgirl By Caroline Lee

92. The Journey Begins By Kristi and Keith Owings

93. Cross Her Heart By Jo Noelle

94. Heather's Highlander By Kristen Osbourne

95. Joyful January By Kirsten Osbourne

96. The Illusive Inventor By Janelle Daniels

97. The Wild Wrangler By Keira K. Barton

98. The Belated Bride By Danni Roan

99. Fulfilling February By Caroline Lee

100. Mail Order Mornings By Kirsten Osbourne

101. Hailey at the Hop By June Marie Saxton

102. Jenna's Journey By Kay P. Dawson

103. Merry March By Kirsten Osbourne

104. Yellowstone Yearning By Peggy L Henderson

105. A Timid Heart By Jo Noelle

A1C November 2019

Just got my A1C numbers back from my labs. They were 8.2. They are increasing my insulin by 5 units.