The Joy and Sorrow of Christmas

I remember making a statement a couple months ago about having 45ish day cycles.  Of course the moment I notice this, this would change.  This morning I woke up bleeding.  Last cycle was 65 days long.  Bleh!


I certainly hope that PMS was the reason behind all of these crazy emotions I have been having.  If so then there is hope that life will become normal again.  Of course my normal would look anything but normal to most people.  ;-)  I am supposed to meet with Dad next week so it would be nice to feel normal when I do it.


Christmas is such a hard time for me.  Before the boys came into our lives, I always decorated the house the first weekend in November.  I did it because Mama loved Christmas so.  I also knew by the time Thanksgiving rolled around that I would be in no mood for the jolly season.  Christmas was bittersweet even then.  I made everything as perfect as possible for Mama, but I was dying inside.  I  just couldn't find the joy in the season when my arms were so empty.  It doesn't help matters that Elijah's due date is just after Christmas.  I struggle with knowing that there should be 24 little hands unwrapping presents, making cookies and helping Mama decorate.  Instead 14 of them will be decorating in Heaven this year. 


I am so thankful that Christ came to earth as a baby, bled and died on the cross for my sins as an adult and rose from the grave.  His life and death would've taken place even if I was the only one who needed Him.  It is really hard to separate the real reason from the commercialism of it all.  I wish I could be one of those people who looked back with a tear of joy in my eye and remember all of the good without the sadness.  I am not there, yet.  I will be one day, but today isn't the day.  When I think of Christmas I think of Christ, yes, but I also think of Mama not being here any longer and all of the things my babies are missing.  Isn't it funny how we, as Glory Mommies, think of all the stuff our Glory Babies are missing?  Yet if we stop and think about it, would we really want them to experience it all?  God's plan is perfect and His purpose was true for each of my kids.  He didn't want them to experience the sin of this fallen world.  He loved both of us enough to spare those seven of the heartbreak this world gives.  So I will pick myself up, finish the Christmas shopping I have to do, watch movies and bake cookies with my kids.  We will read the Christmas Story of Jesus' birth and celebrate the heart of Christmas.