Looking Back

Wow, what would I do without facebook for pictures? I am sitting here going back through some of my old ones. How did my babies get so big?  It seems like just yesterday I was nearly in tears because the case worker was late bringing Sam and Landon to us. Then the page turns and it seems like just yesterday since I disrupted everyone's day to help bring Jewel-Anne home. Just yesterday when I called John to tell him he had yet another daughter and Liana came quietly into our lives. (That is the only placement I accepted without discussing it with him). It seems like just yesterday I was sitting at my child's birthday party being torn into because I couldn't see Isaiah yet. Once they let me have him, I held him for hours in the hospital, just the two of us until my sister showed up. Where did the time go and how did my babies get so BIG? Sam is going to be nine in less than a month. Landon is seven. Jewel-Anne and Liana are FOUR and Isaiah is three. How did that happen?

Life isn't always easy, but I am so thankful that God chose me to be their mama. I am still in awe that of all the women He could choose, He thought I was the right one. I feel so ill-equipped sometimes. More times than I care to admit, I am lost in a sea of choices and I don't know if I'm making the right one. I just have to trust that God's grace will cover my mistakes and that my kids will turn out to be well-rounded individuals who love God first and foremost whether it is because of or in spite of me.  But I hope it is because of me.  It is overwhelming to know that every choice I make is shaping the character of these five precious beings.  It fills my heart with joy to see them finally learn something that I have been trying to teach them.  It breaks my heart when they pick up on the bad qualities I have.


The past few weeks have been very stressful in our house.  I have been guilty of not being on top of things like I should.  There are a lot of deep-rotted heart issues going on in our family and I'm struggling with getting to the bottom of them.  Ok, that is a lie.  I am struggling with how to even begin to address them because nothing I have tried so far is working.  Some things I know the cause of.  Some things are pretty easy fixes.  Some things I can't do a thing about.  Then there's the category of things that Mama has no clue how to fix.  It is times like these that I miss my own Mama the most.  I need her wise counsel.  I'm sure she would be as lost as I am, but it makes me feel better to think she would have all the answers.


I am dealing with own issues in the midst of all of this.  I'm sure that doesn't help the issues the kids are going through.  Tonight I started The Love Dare Parent's Edition.  I am hoping that helps me reconnect with my kids and work on my own heart issues.  I want to be the Mama these kids deserve.  Right now I feel a little like I'm sure David did when he stood up against the Giant.


Lord, thank you for the beautiful blessings you have entrusted me with.  I ask that You please forgive me for the times I have failed You.  Please forgive me for all of the times I've strayed from the path that You've set before me and tried to do things my own way.  Please help me to realign my priorities with Yours.  Please help me to show my husband and kids that they come second, only to You.  Forgive me of my selfishness and pride.  Forgive me for taking the lazy way out in the times that You had something better in mind.  Lord I ask that You would give me the wisdom and courage to do what is necessary to win the hearts of my family.  In Jesus Name, Amen.


Blessings,

Lisa