Last year life changed for me when I met my dad. I started dealing with a bunch of emotional stuff and food became my go-to friend as always. I was barely hanging on to my weight loss plans. January came and I got the news that the fertility specialist wouldn't work with us and my world fell apart. My whole reason for wanting to be healthy was for my kids. My driving force for losing weight was to become pregnant and those dreams came crashing down. Life started happening and my health went crazy...stress and anxiety are very, very bad for a woman who finds comfort in eating. When I first started having panic attacks and the doctor thought it was my heart, he told me to come home and "rest as much as possible" until my cardiology appointment. Here I am, months after seeing the cardiologist, and I've become a huge couch potato.
I have gained back most of my weight (if not more) I lost. I'm not sure because my scale needs new batteries. The real eye opener came the other day when my smaller clothes started getting snug and bending over started to hurt again. My knees and joints hurt. I am pretty much miserable. However, I don't have the means to get to the gym and it's too hot to exercise outside.
So how I can I fix my problems? I'm really not looking for lectures about how I can do things differently. I know I could go walking with the kids. I know there are ways I could do this at home. I also know there is a computer, tv, couch and a bed that far outweigh my desire to exercise. I need to go back to the gym and start making better food choices. That is really the only this will ever work for me. I cannot do it at home. I just can't.
I know I need to be healthy for my living kids. But right now that isn't motivation because I AM here now. My motivation comes from my desire to get pregnant. I lost 75 lbs because I wanted to become pregnant. It took me two years to do it but I did it. It kept me in the area of the straight and narrow. I didn't always make the best choices, but I made far better ones than I am now.
I love kids and I want a bigger family. I want to be able to decide whether or not I can have more children and not have to seek approval from the state. I want this to be able to be a decision between God, my husband and me. I would love to adopt again in the future, but my desire to be pregnant isn't just about having a child. It's about proving that my body didn't fail me. All the way through the Bible you read of God blessing couples with children and not just young women either. There's Sarah who was close to a hundred. There was Hannah who was infertile. She prayed and believed God for a child and He granted her request. This is a faith thing for me. I have struggled so hard with knowing that God has the ability to fix this area for me, but knowing that He hasn't yet makes me feel like I must be some horrible person. Rationally, I know better, but that doesn't change the way I feel.
Because of John's work schedule, he will not be able to watch the kids so I am going to have to find a way for them to have child care while I am at the gym. I think the gym provides child care, but I will have to look into it. Anyway, that is where I am right now. I will try to update more often.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
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