*THIS IS GOING TO BE A LONG TMI BLOG!!*
(You have been warned.)
The last few weeks have been insanely C-R-A-Z-Y!!! When John got his new job we found out that we had infertility coverage. All we were waiting for was for the insurance to kick in. Coverage started mid December, but I didn't want to waste the deductible so we decided to wait until the new year to seek treatment. Ideally, I would've waited a few more months, but some things happened and we moved up the date. The new year started out with a bang just as the old year had ended. Everyone went from upper respiratory infections to the stomach flu. Fun times!
The fun started last week. Tuesday, I had an appointment with my PCP (Dr. D) for lab work and a diabetes recheck. We had scheduled our appointment with the Reproductive Endocrinologist (hereby referred to as RE for any future postings) for Thursday. While talking to Dr. D., he decided to run some hormone panels to fax over to the RE to give him a starting point in our treatment. Unfortunately, my lab results didn't come in until Friday. I guess that was a blessing in disguise.
Thursday morning I woke up and was feeling the anxiety of the day. It was make it or break it time. John and I got up at 6 AM to get everyone ready. I begin to freak out before my feet hit the floor. As a woman who is overweight, getting someone to take you seriously when you say you want to get pregnant is very difficult. Everyone takes one look at me and assumes that my entire fertility problem history will be solved by gastric bypass. I wasn't ready to let everyone into my business yet, but I wanted prayers. I shared what was going on with a few close friends and made a general "please pray for me" post on facebook. By the time we got into the car, I was shaking. John and I dropped off the kids with Stephanie. I swear I was having a panic attack by this point. While I have never had one, I couldn't shake this panic-y feeling. I felt like I was going to jump out of my skin. We arrived at the RE's office, get checked in and began the wait. We were to meet with the nurse practitioner (NP) the first day then would meet with the doctor on our next appointment. The nurse weighs me and checks my blood pressure. My blood pressure was 170-something/90. I thought the lady was kidding when she said that. Tuesday, my blood pressure was 117/70. The NP asked questions upon questions about my fertility history. When we got to the miscarriage part of the discussion she was very cold. She asked me numerous times to recount my stories. "It is not normal for someone to have this many miscarriages! Are you sure?" It was at this point that I knew I would never be coming back. I have no problem with them needed the information, but this wasn't a simple issue of trying to get information. It seemed that they were interrogating me. The doctor came in and they did an ultrasound that revealed I had an egg forming. My body was trying to ovulate. The RE's response to this was to prescribe me something to bring on my period. Umm...I thought you were in the business of helping MAKE babies not keep them from happening. I left the office with instructions to come back on cycle day 3 for blood work. I also left with a pamplet for the weight loss clinic next door. I called them later that day and they would see me for $400 a month. Um...no wonder the nurse referred me there. She'd told me she worked over there two days a week. Although, I had to lose 70 more pounds before they would help me get pregnant. I left the clinic feeling very defeated. I spent the rest of the day trying to process everything.
Friday, Dr. D (PCP) office's called back with my lab results. Nurse J went went over some stuff with me, but we both decided that it would be best to make another appointment with Dr. D. to discuss the results. I have to tell you that I am so blessed to have this lady working for my doctor. I went to elementary school with her daughter. She took the time to really sit and talk with me. She answered all of the questions I had the best she could to try to calm my fears. Today was my follow- up appointment. I have spent the weekend freaking out. I went from sadness, to anger and back again all weekend. And puking, don't forget the puking. Jewel-Anne came down with the stomach flu this weekend and Mama got it too. Thankfully, it seems everyone else has been spared.
The "short story" version of this is that I have no hormones in my body. All of my female hormones are batting right above 0. Yes, that number is correct - ZERO. When the nurse called me she told me that my husband probably had more female hormones in his body than I had in mine. I'd spent the whole weekend wondering what all of this meant. Was I going through menopause? Would I ever be able to get pregnant? Was God really closing this door for us? It was a really hard weekend. After discussing some stuff with Dr. D., he prescribed me birth control and increased my Metformin. I hate Metformin. It is the best thing for treating PCOS, but the side effects of this medication is for the birds.
The whole day I just haven't felt right. I have been forced to choose between the greater of two evils. I have taken birth control in the past. When I was 12, they put me on it the first time to regulate my cycle. I didn't feel right about it then. A few years later I was put back on it but didn't feel right about taking it so I stopped. I have taken one cycle of birth control since I have been with John and that was when Dr. H was going to be doing laproscopic surgery to investigate my fertility issues. We have always said we'd never do anything to stop a pregnancy. We don't feel that is right for us to take birth control pills. The doctor assured me that there is no way that the egg I had would be able to survive the 2ww because my hormones were so low. I got my medicines filled and came home to sulk. I told John that once I opened the pills there was no going back. I asked his opinion as the headship of our family. He agrees with me it doesn't feel right, but at the same time there's not really another treatment for my problem. My body lacks progesterone and estrogen. I either take the meds and hope God will bless us with a pregnancy on my off cycle, or I don't take them and will never have the chance of having a baby again. The treatment cycle he wants me to go on is to do 3 months of pills and take a cycle off and try to get pregnant. If that doesn't work we will repeat the process until I get pregnant, decide to see a specialist or I go insane. I finally took the first pill so I guess we will see what happens in 3 months.
As much as I feel sorry for myself through all of this, I feel horrible for John. I am the problem here. I am the one who cannot carry a baby. I am the one who is all screwed up. It seems so wrong that he has to get punished, too. Please keep us in your prayers as we go through this. We firmly believe in the power of prayer and of God. God CAN give us more children if He chooses.
On a brighter note, according to Dr. D., my former neurologist (Dr. R) has agreed to see me again as long as I have an MRI first. As long as the insurance approves it we will be seeing him soon! I am so thankful for this. My doctor really went up to bat for me and I appreciate that so much. I love this doctor's office that God has blessed me with. He seems genuinely concerned about my care. I have never met a doctor like that before. It truly is a blessing.
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
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