I am writing this at 4:49 AM. I have already been up an hour. What is up with this? About a month ago (maybe longer) I ended up not sleeping at all one night and have had problems sleeping at night since then. This mama normally has no problems sleeping whatsoever. I will say that it's given me plenty of time to think.
I have had such a whirlwind couple of days. I have spent a lot of time thinking over the past. I am so thankful that my mother chose the high road where I was concerned. These days you see women who are more than willing to rip their ex's/ children's fathers to shreds with no thought of what it does to their child. Men are the same way. My Mama never said bad things about my Daddy. The subject of Dad never really came up unless I brought it up, but when it did she always said she hoped that I would be able to meet him one day if that was what I wanted. The flip side of this, I expected that I would her bad things about Mama when I met Daddy. That couldn't have been further from the truth. He was very surprised to hear she had passed away. He was apologetic. I am so thankful that he, too, has chosen the high road. Mom was my best friend. I know that she wasn't perfect, but she was perfect for me. We all have pasts and we all make mistakes, but I know every choice she made was out of love for me.
I have been floating in the clouds since meeting my Dad. All of these years I have envisioned what meeting him would be like. I knew when I started this journey to a new me that I would eventually be facing this issue. Never in my wildest dreams, did I envision this. I pictured trying to find peace with what happened and moving on with my life. As I sat in the van waiting for him to arrive Sunday, I envisioned every single way things could've went wrong. Then he pulled in and I seen him. All of a sudden this peace washed over me. All of the fear, alright most of the fear, washed away. This man stepped outside of his comfort zone and welcomed me into his life so I could find peace and healing. I will forever feel gratitude to him because of this.
Month 5 of my journey has held the most change for me so far. There is an enormous weight that has been lifted from my heart. This weight won't show on the scales, but it's been the most important "weight loss." My life has been changed forever.
I find myself constantly amazed and in awe of everything that has happened. God's perfect timing is one thing that still leaves me scratching my head. I struggled for so long with trying to find Dad. When the time was right, God orchestrated everything to flow so smoothly. I think of all of the people out there searching for their birth parents who never find them. I think of my own children who will one day make the choice of finding their birth parents or not. More than once I have asked God "Why me?" What did I do to deserve this happy beginning? What did I do to deserve parents who loved me enough to put my needs ahead of their own? God loved me so much that He was willing to move on my behalf.
Last night, I shared those feelings with my husband. For those of you who know me, things DO NOT come easy for me. I have had to fight for everything I have. I love my husband with all of my heart, but we never had that fairytale romance. We've had our share of problems, but we always work through them as they come along. I had to fight to get my kids. Fertility problems that has led me to have to say good-bye far too early to over half of my children. Adoptions that caused me to fight for my babies from the moment they were placed in my arms. Everything I have is because I fought to have it. This is reason why God's love for me is so hard to comprehend. It is given freely with no strings attached. I am so thankful for the stubborn, never quit attitude that was given to me by my Mom, and probably Dad too. It has made me who I am.
Now, I find myself trying to figure out how to navigate the days ahead. Everything is still so surreal. I don't know how to start a parent/child relationship when that child is an adult. I am also trying to find balance. I want to give space, but not so much that it seems like I don't care. Where is the balance? No one knows. Neither of us have ever been in this position and we will just have to find what works for us.
God, I stand in awe of Your love for me. I feel so unworthy of the blessings that You've given me. Thank you for this miracle. Please give me wisdom as we all move forward. Give me the right words to speak. Give all of us peace as we begin to navigate this new part of our journey. I am so grateful for my parents. Thank You for picking the best ones for me. Thank You for their sacrafice, and their unselfish love for me. Thank You for healing and restoration. Amen
Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9b (NKJV)
Blessings,
Weight Loss Mama
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