A Mother's Blessings

Three years ago tomorrow my little family lined up in our pew to "celebrate" Mothers' Day.  I won the flowers for the "young" mothers' category.  Our pastor brought all of the winners up front and he commented about that being my first official Mothers' Day, as we had completed the boys' adoption the month before.   I will never forget that day.  I was one huge bundle of emotions.  As much as I was trying to hold it together for my kids, all I could focus on was how it was just another first without my own Mama. 

The flowers were such a bittersweet gift but I wanted NOTHING to do with them. Mother's Day flowers were "cursed" in our family.  The last time someone in my family won flowers for Mother's Day was in 1988.  I was 4 years old and we lined the pew as a measure to appease my grandmother. Mama won flowers for having the most children (5) in church that morning.  After church, Mama and my brother rode home together and I rode home with my sisters.  Mama and Paul got home and Paul made a comment about beating Kathy home...a few more minutes pass and we still hadn't made it home.  Then Mama got a phone call.  All 3 of her daughters were hurt in a car wreck. An older lady pulled out in front of us and hit Kathy's car.  Kathy sustained the most minor injuries.  I think Cindy was pretty hurt.  My injuries didn't seem too bad, but they wouldn't find out until later about my broken pelvis or my brain tumor. They said that the nurses thought Cindy had lost her mind because she kept going on and on about where the flowers were. (She had been holding them when we wrecked.) I don't believe in luck so I know that flowers have no bad omen or karma or anything to them. Still, this gift was just a reminder of what happened then and that I was celebrating this normally wonderful day without my own Mama. So we took my flowers to the grave yard and left them with someone who really deserved them!

Little did I know, as I accepted those flowers from our Pastor that morning just what was about to unfold in my life.  Forty-eight hours later I was in bed fighting the urge to want to sleep all day while my children watched Disney.  John made them breakfast before he left for work that morning and we were all snuggled on my bed while I pretended to sleep.  Little did I know what God had in store. around 10:15 that morning I got a phone call from a lady who said she was from placement.  She told me they had a newborn baby girl who they wanted to place with us.  Uh?  What?  I must be dreaming! I tried to listen as they gave me the details...  Once I realized this was real, then I couldn't pay attention because I was too excited.  I  finally got off the phone with her and was told to wait for a call from the case worker to tell us when to meet her at the hospital.  I got off the phone and told the boys.  Landon wasn't really sure what I was saying.  Sam looked up at me and said "OH MOMMY!!!  God has answered my prayers!"  Trying to be the good little foster/adoptive Mama and step out of faith for a moment I told him "Son, we don't know if we are going to get to keep her." He touched my arm and said "Mom, I prayed and God answered my prayers. She is OUR baby. Believe me, God's got this." Sometimes if I wasn't staring right at home I would never believe he was a child.

John rushes home and gets pulled over for speeding through our sleepy little town, at the end of our road no less.  The cop let him go when he explained the situation. He called me and said "Look out the window." The boys got all excited about how Daddy was going to get arrested and all I could think of was how we couldn't afford a speeding ticket.

That afternoon I finally got to see our baby girl.  Birth mom met us at the hospital and she held her the whole time.  As much as I wanted to hold her, I knew this young woman needed this time to come to terms with  this seperation.  There was some things the hospital would require I be trained in before they would release Jewel-Anne so I had to come back the next day to pick her up.  John had to go into work that day, so my sister came to the hospital with me to sit with the boys.  I got to sit in the nursery at the hospital and snuggle with my new baby for almost an hour before the doctor was available to train me how to give her medicine.  I didn't mind one bit.  It was bittersweet to watch these nurses say good-bye to her.  They sent her home with all kinds of baby clothes they had bought her.  She spent her first 13 days of life with these women.  They loved her like she was their own. I am so thankful for those women. 

We finally get ready to leave and I take the bags down to the van.  I am greeted by 3 people demanding to know where the baby is.  "She will be down in a minute," I tell them.  I gave my sister instructions to pull around to Discharge and we would meet her there.  I go back into the hospital for the last time knowing I would be leaving with my baby.  The nurse escorts us out and my sister (who was blessed with long legs and arms buckles Jewel-Anne into the van.  Sam is drooling over Jewel-Anne and Landon finally realized what is happening.  He looks at the nurse and says "Excuse me, Ma'am, but we don't need a baby. You need to take her back upstairs where she belongs!"  Three years later he still has a mouth that can make me blush with embarrassment when he speaks.  You NEVER know what is going to come out of his mouth!


When I stood in church crying over what I had lost...God knew what I was about to gain!  Seven weeks prior when I was in near panic attack mode as I walked into the court house to complete the adoption of our boys, God was saying "You don't know it, yet, but something big is about to happen and she will be wonderful!"  Four months prior when we were on our way to church not knowing that I would never again hear my Mama tell me that she loved me again, God knew that this little bundle of Sugar and Spice needed her Grammie's loving arms to hold her and her sister before they entered this world.  Eternal life was the best gift God could give my Mama in that moment. She had suffered so long.  He took her when He did so she could hold my babies before I could. "Out of these ashes Beauty will rise."  My babies were God's gift to me to remind me that I still had a future and a purpose to fulfill on this earth.  At the time, I didn't understand why I was saying it because I never expected us to have anymore children.  On the way to the grave yard in that lonely funeral procession I remember telling John that if we ever had a baby girl I was naming her after Mama.  In that moment, God knew.  When we celebrated our first Christmas with the boys and our last one with Mama, God knew and He made it a perfect one.


What if I hadn't been willing to listen to the voice that told me to trust God with the size of our family?  What if I would've allowed the brokenness to win in the midst of my grief for my son?  What if  we hadn't started our classes in November and would've waited until next year like I had planned? What if God hadn't placed J in our lives to talk to me and listen when this broken woman spoke of her desire to hold and care for a child so bad? What if J hadn't listened to the Voice of God?  What if the women at Choices Resource Center hadn't been willing to listen to the crazy lady weep for almost an hour on the phone because she feared her dreams would never be a reality?  What if A (a fellow foster/adoptive mom) hadn't been willing to listen or offer advice when I called her because the woman I spoke with at Choices told me A could help me.  What if we had said "God we don't want sick babies" instead of saying "God we told You we would trust You..."  What if we said we only want 1 child, newborn only?  What if we had closed our home after the boys?  What if, nine months later we hadn't made the changes to expand our license for more children?  What if I had said I couldn't handle 2 infants, though there were times I wondered how far off the deep end I had went? What if I would've said 3 under 14 months was too much?  You see, in the midst of all this grieving I had been doing for the last few years, each event was a stepping stone to get me where I am going.  Each angel stirred my Mama's Heart to push for another blessing.  Absolutely none of this happened by chance or surprised God.  Each heartbreak He bent down to hold me and whisper in my ear "It's not over yet. Push forward. Keep going. He's worth it. She's worth it. They're all worth it. I have blessings in store for you that you can't even begin to comprehend right now baby girl. Don't give up now! Don't you even think about quitting on me!"

I am so thankful to our birth mothers.  When they knew they couldn't care for my kids, they made the decision to give them a better life.  Everyone knows the stigma that is attached to birth moms who have been through the system.  My children each have had rough starts because of choices made before they were born.  Some people choose the angry route and think what terrible women they are.  I can't think that way.  The role they played in my children's lives are just as important as my own, for without them my children wouldn't be here.  They gave me gifts that no one else on earth could ever give me.  They each loved their children or else my children wouldn't be here. I am so thankful that they chose life for my babies.



God, thank you so much for my Blessings.  I am so thankful that out of all the women on earth, or that You could've chosen to create, You picked ME to raise and nurture them.   Sometimes I feel so inadequate, but I so thankful that You see what I can't.  Please give me the wisdom I need so that even when I fail, they can see You through my mess.  Give me the courage and the strength to face each challenge head on.  Help me to put aside selfishness and help me to put them before my own needs and desires.  Lord, when the day comes for me to leave this world, let me do so knowing that I did everything to ensure that my children knew just how much I loved them.  May that love be so strong that it will flood the lives my grandchildren for generations to come. Please help me to always understand that there is nothing on this earth that I will ever do that is more important than instilling love into my kids. God I have failed You and I have failed them in so many ways, yet each of You are full of forgiveness. Thank You for never giving up on me. Amen.