Scary Stuff

Waiting in the Water By The Isaacs 

A helpless man blind from birth

The only one who saw his worth

Didn't pass him by, He heard his cry

He rubbed his eyes with a handful of clay
Then He said, "Go wash in the pool today"
And the blind man knew that's what he had to do

You know along the way
He couldn't help but trip and fall
Each time he got back up
I wonder if he thought

Every step I take is a step in faith
When I can't see what's in front of me
I'll walk on and just believe
He hears my prayer

And when I get there
The miracle promised by my father
Is waiting in the water

I've walked in darkness, I won't lie
Just like that blind man sometimes
I've felt all alone, like all hope was gone

I know that His word is true
And no matter what I'm going through
He promised me that He would never leave

I know along the way
I may stumble and I may fall
But I'll make it to the water
Even if I have have to crawl

Every step I take is a step of faith
When I can't see what's in front of me
I'll walk on and just believe
He hears my prayer

And when I get there
The miracle promised by my father
Is waiting in the water

I know He knows where I am
And somehow this is all in His plan
So until my healing comes
I'll keep pressing on

Every step I take is a step of faith
When I can't see what's in front of me
I'll walk on and just believe
He hears my prayer

And when I get there
The miracle promised by my father
Is waiting in the water

This is going to be a long blog and for that I apologize. I am not sure it makes a difference because I am still not sure I am going to share this one with anyone. Still, I try to keep my health updates posted here and so that is what I am doing. 

It has been a long week. But to explain that, I have to go back a few years. When I was first diagnosed with anxiety, I had several visits to the ER with bouts of chest pain. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack, because (as a person who has never had a heart attack can say) that is what it felt like. I had a stress test at that time and all was clear. I can say that not all of my anxiety attacks feel this way, but some of them do. Because I have been conditioned by doctors and myself I have come to say that all chest pain that I have is nothing but anxiety. 

That brings me to the semi-present. About six weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with chest pain. I didn't feel particularly anxious at that point, but I assumed that was what it was. The pain eventually left so I went back to sleep. Over the course of the day, the pain came and went. Eventually it started wrapping around my left shoulder. It left, but came back. I casually mentioned something to my husband around 11 AM and he flipped out. He wanted to take me to the ER but I refused. I was NOT going to sit at the ER for an anxiety attack. He wasn't happy but he went to work. (DISCLAIMER: For those reading this, he works from home.) He checked on me on his first break. The pain was still coming and going. I told him if I was still feeling like this by his lunch break I would consider going to the ER. On his lunch break, I wasn't feeling any better so I called my friend Stephanie to get her opinion. Surely, she would side with me. She didn't... Off to the ER we went.

When I got to the ER, they got me registered and had me to sit down. I was triaged and had an EKG. Once they saw I wasn't having a heart attack I became just a number and sent to wait. Stephanie sent me to our best ER and they were incredibly busy that day so I waited for about 6 hours before I got  a room. In that time the doctor had ordered a couple more EKGs, repeat labs, a chest x.ray, etc. Long story short was that I wasn't having a heart attack, but he wanted me to follow up with my doctor to get a referral for a stress test to make sure all was ok. And that is where my long week started.

If you have read any of my blogs recently, or know me personally, you know that I am 250+ pounds. (I almost put 300+. I no longer have to write that! Yay!) I had been using the elliptical but fell off the wagon. There is no way I could walk on a treadmill long enough to pass a stress test and I told Stephanie this. She told me there was a chemical stress test they could do if I requested it. I talked to my primary doctor about it when he referred me to the cardiologist. Then I talked to the cardiologist. That is what was scheduled. I left the initial appt with the cardiologist with (take note because this is semi important) the stress test info and an appt to follow up with the cardiologist a month after my stress test. I went home and proceeded to freak out. I was scared of having a heart attack during the test. 

The morning of the test came and I was still very scared. God blessed me with a nice Christian gentleman who was very reassuring that everything would be ok. He tried his best to distract me through the process. He also made sure I knew what was he was doing with each step. The test was a lengthy process. First, I had an IV and had some radioactive meds injected. I had some scans 45 minutes later. Then the actual stress test. Then more radioactive meds. Forty-five more minutes of waiting then more scans. I left the test feeling pretty confident because I didn't have a heart attack. Now, the waiting for the results began. 

The next day, I was out doing some things with  my daughters and my phone rang. I get a lot of spam calls so I don't answer numbers I don't know. This one left a message so I checked it. It was my cardiologist office. I think my heart stopped for a moment. I knew in that moment that things weren't good. I called the lady back and she informed me that the doctor wanted me to come in that afternoon to be seen for the results of my stress test. I didn't know what was going on but I knew it wasn't good. Remember when I said my follow-up appt was in a month? Yeah... The only thing they would tell me over the phone was that my stress test results were abnormal. I started freaking out internally (my girls were with me remember)... We head home. I called John and after some discussion we decided he would go with me just in case they admitted me. I made a couple other phone calls and interrupted people during their lunch, doctor's appt, etc. Leave it to little sisters to cause problems. 😜

The PA explained that stress tests either rule out that there are problems or that there could be potential problems. My test showed that there COULD be blockages.   So I have won an expenses paid (by my insurance company and me) trip to our local hospital for a heart cath in about three weeks. They sent me home and told me to take it easy and try to remain as stress free as possible. Sure! I am 40 years old, with an anxiety disorder, being faced with a lot of potentially scary stuff. Relaxing should be a piece of cake! 

I am trying to remind myself of God's promises. It is harder at sometimes than others, I am just trying to get through the next couple weeks, though. I know God has this. None of this has surprised Him. 

If you have read this novel of a blog, God bless you. I would appreciate your prayers. I am sure I will update when I have more info.