Grief

November 4, 2013 I began a new chapter in my life.  I wasn't asked if I wanted to go on this journey.  No one seemed to care what my opinion was of the matter.  That didn't change the fact that I was placed on this journey - a journey I never thought I'd ever take.  I have spent the last month hiding in shame, but I'm tired of feeling guilty for the choice of another.  I will not carry that guilt any longer.

One month and two days ago, my husband left me.  He walked out and said he didn't love me anymore.  He calls to check on the kids.  We chat now and again about things we have to talk about, but that is the extent of our relationship.  Over the past month we've done a couple counseling sessions.  Thus far, they haven't helped anything.  My husband says, and it seems to be true, that we get along much better when we are apart than when we are together.  

I look back and wonder how we got to this place.  We would be celebrating our tenth year wedding anniversary next June.  We have really struggled throughout those years.  We've had some really hard times.  We went through many miscarriages,  infertility, fertility treatments, deaths of close family members, in addition to all the other things life has thrown at us.  We always came out on the other side of things.  We were always together and stronger because of the blows life threw at us.  He always told me that he'd never leave me.  Stupidly, I believed him.  

As a Christian, I have really struggled with what to do next.  My mother was raised to believe that divorce was Biblically wrong.  In fact, she stayed in a physically abusive marriage for a very long time because of how she was raised.  She always said that the only time divorce was morally ok was in the instance of physical abuse or adultery.  So I have spent the last month picturing myself being alone for the rest of myself growing old...alone.  Even if I didn't feel the way I do about marriage, no one wants a woman who has a pre-made family. 

A month later, life is starting to resemble a new normal.  There are still moments that are very emotionally intense for me - today being one of them.  My kids have moments - almost daily - where they cry like crazy.  There is nothing that I can do but hold them and reassure them that they are loved and always will be.  Day by day we are making it.  We are getting stronger.  In the mean time it is ok to be broken.  

Through this I have lost some friends.  I have gained some new ones.  Some that I never thought would stand by me have become closer than I ever imagined.  I have learned that grieving is a process.  Separation/Divorce is very much like a death and has to be grieved as such.  Some people cannot handle how ugly and dirty that grief is.  Grief isn't pretty, at least it isn't for me.  A lot of people just expect you to pick up and move on and I'm just not there yet.  One day I will get there, but today isn't that day. 

I would appreciate prayers for us.  We are all dealing with this in the best way we can.  I'm thankful to those who have been there.  You'll never know how much your love and kindness means to me.