What Is Going On? (Health Update)

 I had been waiting to post this until we had more answers but I am going to go with what I have. 

About three to four weeks ago I started having chest pain. Now, I have pretty bad anxiety and I am no stranger to chest pain when I have an anxiety attack. Often, it will feel like I am having a heart attack, but as I was evaluating this pain I noticed a couple things. One, I wasn't feeling overly anxious at that time, and two, the chest pain I was having was smack dab in the middle of my chest. (think esophagus area) Normal anxiety pain (FOR ME.. everyone is different) is typically over my left breast area of my chest. I was driving when this started so I called my sister Kathy and told her that this was happening. I said, I" am pretty sure it is anxiety but what do you think?" We talked for a few minutes and she agreed with me that I probably didn't need to go to the ER at that point. Eventually, it stopped and all was well with my world again. For the next couple days the pain came and went but I couldn't find a rhyme or reason to it. 

Monday morning (11/24) I woke up around 4:30AM. I took John to work and came back home to get on the walking pad. I did my devotions, read my Bible, ETC before I started walking. At this point, EVERYTHING I was swallowing was causing this pain. (food, medicine, any liquid, etc) Any time I swallowed anything, it felt like I was swallowing a golf ball. I made the decision that I would call the doctor as soon as they opened. I finished my walk and took my shower because I knew someone would be seeing me and I wanted to be ready to go whatever the day brought. I called the practice office and talked to the receptionist and told her what was going on. She told me that most of their practitioners would say "Oh, chest pain. To the ER immediately, but she wanted to shoot a message to my doctor and get his opinion just to be sure. She said she would call me back. She called back pretty quickly. My doctor said that because it was a holiday week that I would get more answers and quicker answers if I went to the ER. So that is what I did. 

NOW: Before anyone judges my doctor, let me say...He takes the best of care of me. He also knows my history. If he thought I was in danger of a heart attack in ANY WAY he would have made me call an ambulance, but we were both 99.9% sure that was not what was happening. 

We got to the ER and I told them what was going on and how I was sure that I wasn't having a heart attack. I also told them I was a duodenal switch (weight loss surgery) patient. They did an EKG, a chest x-ray, and two rounds of blood work. The doctor said he wanted me to see a GI doctor and I had to remind him to give me the name of one after he said he would make a referral for me. (My PCP's heart was in the right place, but God love him, he was wrong when he said I would get more answers going to the ER. They just told me what we both knew already... I wasn't having a heart attack.) 

In the ER parking lot, I called the GI doctor's office and got the appointment set up. The next day I realized I PROBABLY needed to call my bariatric surgeon to get his opinion of what was going on. He made me an appointment with him, started some stomach medicine, and ordered a barium swallow study which I had last Thursday (12/4). It was normal except for some delayed emptying of the esophagus. (The pill they had me swallow didn't want to go down as quickly as it should have so I had to drink an extra, thicker liquid to get it down.)

My appointment with the GI doctor was on Monday (12/8) and they scheduled me for an UPPER GI (endoscopy) which I had this morning. They took some samples of tissue to send off for testing to make sure there wasn't any infection or such. They also dilated my esophagus. Otherwise the endoscopy was normal. 

And that brings me to the present... I sit here, thankful, first and foremost, but also VERY frustrated. I am so grateful that nothing is wrong, BUT I am also frustrated that nothing is wrong. The pain is still very present when anything gets to my breast area and continues until it reaches the top of my stomach area. It isn't as painful as it was before I started the medication, but it is still very much present. I do not want to live the rest of my life like this. Where do we go from here? If this isn't a GI problem, and this isn't a bariatric problem, where does that leave me? The GI doctor said that all of my bariatric work looked good from his perspective this morning. Do I just have to live like this for the rest of my life or is there more that can be done to fix it? At the same time I have had numerous doctors appointments since all of this started and I am tired of going to the doctor and getting no concrete answers. I guess I am just frustrated right now.

I Need You To Be My Joy

I need You to be my joy

This is the fight of my life

Gotta keep looking for the Light

I'm in a war for my mind

Oh, I need You in the fight of my life - Rend Collective

https://youtu.be/YYM6TUVPTos

The above lyrics are from a song called "Fight of My Life" by Rend Collective. This song spoke to me a lot the last few days because that is exactly how I have felt. I feel like I am at war for my mind. As I start out this blog entry, I am not exactly sure what path this is going to take. I may share a testimony or a mini-testimony with you. 

I have been a Christian for decades. I was saved at age 10 (I believe.) It was the Spring of  '94. I remember this very vividly. Mama and I were watching a preacher on TV and I told her I wanted to be saved and she helped me pray. We were on her waterbed. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was supposed to be baptized on Mother's Day that year, but Mamaw passed away a couple weeks before I was to be baptized. Her death really shook Mama and so my baptism was postponed until later that year. I spent my teen years in different churches and would later find the church that I met my husband at. I thank God for that church because it led me to my husband. 

If you have known me (or spent any time roaming around my blog) you know I have struggled with depression since I was a teen. It wasn't until I was in my late twenties and started having severe anxiety attacks that I started taking medication for it, though. 

My mama passed away in 2008. I can tell you that almost the instant she took her last breath, something inside me flipped and I changed. I believe in generational curses and I believe the ones on her life attached themselves to me (some of them at least) in that moment. Some of what I struggled with was grief, no doubt, but I cannot explain to you exactly why I feel that generational curses play a part in this as well. 

I had always had a close relationship with God. I knew Who He was and knew who I was in Him. I knew He loved me. Though, I often questioned the WHY, I never struggled to believe that He loved me. I NEVER questioned my salvation prior to her death. I felt safe and secure in knowing that I was God's child and that Jesus had saved me from my sins. That all changed in the matter of a few moments, though. 

For the next 16.5 years I struggled to find my place in this world. I struggled to find who I was as an orphan (I had no relationship with my Dad at this point...that would come later.) I struggled to figure out who I was as a wife. (Up to this point our whole relationship had been spent with both of us caring for my mom, my aunt, our boys, etc. He usually got what was left over of me...which wasn't fair to either of us.) I struggled to find my way as a mama. I had two precious boys to take care of at the time of Mama's death and a sweet newborn who would join us less than 5 months later. How would I be who I needed to be for them? I struggled to figure out who I was a person. (Really, I am just now starting to figure that one out.) Most importantly, though I struggled with who God was? Was I really saved? Did He really love me? Somewhere along the way, I stopped hearing God's voice speak to me. I cannot tell you how many times I begged and pleaded with God to let me hear His precious voice again. To let me feel in communion with Him again. I repented more times that I could count. I prayed the sinner's prayer more times than I could count. Yet, nothing ever changed. I never felt different. Yet, one thing remained constant. I KNEW that I had been saved on a little water bed back in 1994. 

Now, let me say stop right here a second and say I have always believed that God was a good, loving Father. I believed Jesus died, rose from the grave and provided us salvation so we could have eternal life. The Bible that I quote from...read from...and try to live out of, I believe that it is the infallible Word of God. That has never, ever changed. I was never interested in deconstructing or any of that. 

 Over the years I turned all of that hurt inward. Something must have been wrong with me. I knew God loved everyone. I knew God was good. I knew Jesus died for our sins. But if nothing was changing, despite everything I was doing, that must mean His grace extended to everyone except me. His love extended to everyone...except me...I must have done something so bad that I had gone so far His love couldn't go... The things that believed about God during this time were never things I would tell to another person because they were things I only believed about myself. AKA lies from Satan, but he had me fully convinced they were true. 

Can I just stop for a moment and tell you the hell (on earth) I went through? Satan (or my own mental health) had me so wrapped up in this vortex of fear and self-loathing that I seriously thought I was bound for Hell and there was no one who would help me and nothing I could do to save me. It was miserable. 

I continued to beg and plead for God's mercy. I continued to repent and ask for His forgiveness. Then, one day I woke up and God answered my prayers in a tangible way. I was able to feel His love and forgiveness. I felt mental clarity. A couple weeks later, I want to say, I heard God speak to me for the first time in a very, very long time. 

The last few days I have struggled to find my joy. (There is a difference between joy and happiness, BTW. Joy comes from God. Happiness is temporal) It scares me that I could go back to a place I struggled to break free from for so long. I just have to trust God to keep me from ever returning to that place again. 

If you ever wonder why I share songs and such like I do. I want people to know there is freedom in Christ. And true freedom only comes from Christ! If I get on your nerves with my posting, well...I wish I could say I am sorry, but I am not. 😁It is my hope that someone, somewhere will hear the message of the Cross and cling to the freedom it offers. 

GOD STORY  By ANNE WILSON

I've Gone where the hopeless go

The dead end of a broken road

And I've learned there's a place so low

You can't see a way out

Been stuck in a ditch so deep

Thought it might be the end of me

But I'm still here and there can only be

One way how 

My life is a God story

Gotta Tell the world what He's done for me

Miracles on Miracles that only He could do

I'm proof that we're all only

One prayer away from a testimony

There's only One getting all the glory

My whole life is a God story