The Next Steps

You said it’s so hard sleeping through night
And you’ve been trying to hide your tired eyes
I remember what that feels like

When your thoughts become a prison cell
But telling everyone you’re doing well
I remember what that feels like

You’ve been asking why God why
Do you always gotta take your time?

I know that it’s not better yet
I know you’re freaking out
I know you think if you were Him
You’d of rescued you by now
I know the last thing you wanna hear is keep waiting patiently
I know that it’s not better yet
But one day it’s gonna bе

So pray with everything you’ve got
Hе’s a never gonna leave you God
I can promise you that
He’s not done with you friend

I know that it’s not better yet
I know you’re freaking out
I know you think if you were Him
You’d of rescued you by now
I know the last thing you wanna hear is keep waiting patiently
I know that it’s not better yet
But one day it’s gonna be

Yeah

One day it’s gonna be

I know that it’s not better yet
I know you’re freaking out
I know you think if you were Him
You’d of rescued you by now
I know the last thing you wanna hear is keep waiting patiently
I know that it’s not better yet
I know that it’s not better yet

But one day it’s gonna be

Yeah
One day it’s gonna be

 

This is a new(ish) song by Leanna Crawford called Better Yet and it has been my theme song lately.  I just went in for my six month check up. I am not doing well with my weight loss at all. Let's back track a bit my friends. I had surgery in February 2025. During the first two weeks post surgery I think I only lost like 4 pounds and that is when I should've been doing some major losing because I was only drinking protein shakes and other liquids approved by my doctor. This time the doctor didn't tell me how much I had lost/gained but some decisions were made...

I have had an eating disorder since I was a child/teenager and it followed me into adulthood. If I am being honest I would binge (never to the point of throwing up, but still binging). I eat my feelings because food is comforting to me. If things are bad food makes me feel better. If I feel good, food is a reward. I concealed these things from my bariatric doctor because I was afraid I wouldn't qualify for surgery if anyone knew about them. 

My doctor's assistant decided that I needed to seek counseling for my eating disorder/food addiction. It took me a couple days to find someone who would work for me. She sent me home with a list of providers. Those either weren't taking new patients or didn't take my insurance. Then I went to my insurance company and searched their list...I called over 75 people only ONE person fit the criteria I had (took my insurance, accepting new patients, would treat my eating disorder/food issues). I had prayed God would send me to the right person and I am hoping this is it because all other doors were shut. 

I have lived my life on this blog were I have been pretty open with my journey. I still intend to be open, but there are some things I will keep private because mental health therapy can deal with some pretty intense stuff at times. 

I am scared because there are things that I do not want to address. They are messy and it is just easier to cram them in a box and not deal with them, but that is obviously not helping things. I hope it will help me build the coping skills to keep moving on this journey and lose the weight I want to because I am not ready to quit.