Hard Days

 Today has been a very hard day. I have done all the things. The walking pad was the first thing I did this morning. I have been doing a full hour the last couple days. I have been drinking my water. (Thank God for flavor packets!) I have had my meals and stayed within my calories. I can check all the boxes, but I am struggling emotionally. I cried most of the time I was on the walking pad. Nothing happened...It was just a day where my mind started throwing EVERYTHING at me. I am not losing like I think I should and that is disappointing me. I have lost 7 lbs as of today. I was hoping to have lost my 10 lbs that my bariatric doctor had giving me as my 3 month goal. I know it's only been a month, but I really wanted to see me reach that goal. The first week I lost so much so I thought the other weeks would be the same. I do not want to go back to my bariatric doctor having ONLY lost 10 lbs. I go back to my primary doctor next Friday for my second diet appointment. I am really hoping to have met (surpassed) that 10 lb mark by that point. 

So I have spent the day struggling. I have wanted to do nothing more than to get in the van and drive until I outrun the junk that is in my head. However, John works his second job today and he has the van and I am broke so I cannot do what I would do if I had the van. I did the next best thing. I drowned my emotions in a nap and Christmas movies. I watched the newest Grinch movie and a couple Hallmark movies. I cooked lunch and dinner for myself. Tomorrow is a new day and I am sure it will be much better, but today...today has been hard and that is ok. 

December Weigh-Ins

 December Weigh-Ins

    7 - 262.6

    14 - 265.8

    21 - 263.2

    28 - 266.2

Choose Your Hard

 I had a conversation with my husband the other night about something I had seen on facebook. It was contrasting the differences between marriage and divorce. (DISCLAIMER: My marriage is fine. It is better than it has ever been.) The gist of it was that both of them were difficult and to "choose your hard." Over the last few months I have had several moments (days, situations, etc.) where I have done just that. Weight Loss Surgery and weight loss in general is so difficult. It has been so hard changing my lifestyle, especially this new diet I am on. There are many times I do not want to walk or get on the walking pad. There are many times when I want to throw away my Bariatric Binder and go back to my old ways. Why? Because this new life is HARD! HOWEVER! I can tell you what else is hard. Daily (sometimes 8-10) insulin injections a day, multiple finger sticks (before my CGM) a day, 17 medications that must be taken daily, following the path of my parents. The possibility of dying young simply because of the choices I make. Possibly losing my limbs, eyesight, or more... Possible heart problems...My list could go on. I could write a book. This life is HARD! So today. Each day. Each moment sometimes, I am choosing my hard. I am eating the right things. Have I made a few bad choices during this last month? Yes, but bad moments didn't mean that I quit! I got back up and moved on in the manner that I am supposed to. I am choosing to walk every day. I am keeping a food and exercise journal. I am becoming proud of myself. I am doing hard things because hard things are where I am finding my joy. I am choosing my hard - because I am worth more than I have been giving myself. Life is full of so many possibilities! 

An Early Christmas Present

I have been working hard lately with my walking. I had been doing thirty minutes in the morning after breakfast while waiting to be able to drink my water. I am learning not to drink thirty minutes before or after I eat in preparation for surgery. I use this time to get my walking in. For the last week or so I have been walking thirty minutes twice a day, though. I am kind of proud of myself. I walk laps around the living room and up and down the hallway. 

I had mentioned to my sister Cindy that after Christmas I was planning on getting a walking pad once I had saved up for it. This morning I got a call from her pretty early. It scared me at first because we are both later risers. She asked what I was doing today and I told her what my plans were for the day. She asked if I could meet her because she wanted to give me my Christmas present early. I thought that was weird but I told her yeah. NOTHING would prepare me for what she brought me. She and Cyndee bought me a walking pad for Christmas! I was so surprised. I am so grateful for it! It was such a generous gift. 

I had my first walk on it tonight. I got the life scared out of me and the kids. I was walking and listening to my music as I do when I walk. The next thing I know Chewy (the dog) jumped on the walking pad with me and ran straight through my legs. I yelled at him. The kids came running. By the time they got to my room, he was on the back of the walking pad walking along with me like he belonged there or something! In hindsight, it is completely funny! During the fact, it scared me pretty bad! Oh the joys!! I do love my new walking pad, though! 

Checking Things Off The List - Psych Eval

 Today was my psych eval. It was what scared me the most. Not because I am crazy, but because, I was worried about the unknown. I didn't know what it would be like. I have never had one before. I worked myself up so much I was nauseated before I went in. This man held my surgery in his hands and I was scared. I assumed the appointment would take an hour. It was a video appointment. I got there ten minutes early. IYKYK. It's just who I am. The doctor was five minutes LATE. My appointment took less than ten minutes once he arrived. It was very short and sweet and to the point. He just wanted to make sure I understood what I was getting into and a bit of my family history. Then, he told me he'd have my approval letter to my bariatric doctor by tomorrow. I couldn't have asked for a better appointment. 

The only things I have left on my "golden ticket" are two more diet visits with my PCP. Then, my file will be submitted for insurance approval. Other than the day-to-day things of dieting I am done with my checklist. I am excited! 

Checking Things Off The List - Turning In Paperwork

 Today started out as a very good day. I took all of my paperwork (so far) to my bariatric doctor's office. I have a couple more diet visits with my primary doctor and my psych visit and I will be officially done with those requirements. I still have two more nurse appointments with the insurance, but nothing to give the doctor for those. Everything from my last three appointments will be faxed to the bariatric doctor. While I was there I asked her what the next steps were and if I needed to make another appointment right now. She said no. After I complete my last diet appointment with my primary doctor in January, the bariatric doctor will submit everything to the insurance company for approval. Once we get that, three things will happen 1) I will get an appointment with a dietician. 2) I will have my pre-op appointment with my doctor. and 3) I will get my surgery date. 

All of these are good things. BUT...I went into this thinking that surgery would be around a certain time. Then the nurse from the insurance company said something about trying to get it done before the end of the year. I knew that probably wouldn't happen, and I was right, so I didn't get my hopes too high for that. I was looking at surgery late January or early February and now I am wondering if that will happen due to everything that needs to happen. I am slightly disappointed that it could possibly be longer than I wanted but it is what it is. I have waited this long and I will wait as long as it takes. Hopefully, it won't take as long as I am thinking. 

Checking Things Off The List - Support Group

 So I have mentioned before I have this list of things that either the insurance company or the doctor require for surgery. Last night, I went to my required support group meeting. I went alone which scared me. I am very much an introvert. I don't like new situations or crowds of people so this was going to be fun. It turned out that it wasn't too bad. I was expecting the typical TV AA meeting where everyone stands up and says "Hello, I am <insert name here> and I am fat.> And while some of the post-op people did tell their stories it wasn't really like that. We had a presentation about avoiding sugar for the holidays and ways to help us do that. It wasn't fun by any means, but it wasn't bad. Given the right circumstances, I could see me doing it again. I do have to do one more meeting post-op, but I could see me going back willingly every now and then. I exchanged numbers with a lady with a story similar to mine. She was a few months post-op and doing well. It was encouraging to me. 

Other than that, we are just traveling right along through the rest of the things. I have almost completed the check list aside from my diet visits. I am excited about that. The diet is going ok. I am struggling with my fluid intake and head hunger but I have stayed within my calories all days except for two. I am food journaling. I hate it, but it is a necessary evil for me. It holds me accountable for my choices. I have exercised every day this month. I am proud of myself. 

Well, I guess that is about all for now. Until next time...

Bye, Bye, Bye

 This post will be short and sweet, but I thought it deserved a post. I said good-bye to my seat belt extender this morning. I can officially fit into a normal seat belt! I am so happy! 

Health Update

 I had my first medically supervised diet visit with my PCP today. If their scales are the same as my bariatric doctor's, I lost SIX POUNDS in one week! I am stoked! God is so good. My blood sugars have been dropping like crazy, though. Sooooooo... He dropped my insulin TWENTY-SIX UNITS and dropped one thousand milligrams of Metformin! Again,,, STOKED!! I will come back and finish my update when I get my lab results.

UPDATED: All labs were good. A1C was 6.3. 

Grocery Shopping

 Grocery shopping... It is something I hate to do for many reasons. I hate how I feel walking through the store. It makes me tired. I hate spending the money. I hate it because I don't make the best choices, even when I go in with the best of intentions. I could go on and on for a while with the reasons I don't want to do it. When I started this journey, I told John that he would have to do the grocery shopping from now on. I have been twice since then. I did my shopping last week after seeing my bariatric doctor, then I went today to shop for the family. While I did make a couple impulse purchases they were healthy ones! I am so grateful to God for His goodness and mercy. Without Him I couldn't do this. 

Lisa

My New Diet

 I haven't posted anything about this yet and I am not sure why. I guess I didn't want to post just to "put something out there." Any way, as part of my insurance requirements for surgery, I have to go on a 3 month medically supervised diet. Dr. W (Bariatrics) put me on a 1200 calorie diet and Dr. D (PCP) will supervise my diet for the 3 months. My first diet appointment is Thursday, but I have been dieting since the first so today is day 5. So far everything is going ok. I am not hungry like I thought I would be. In fact, I am not hungry at all. I eat 3 meals a day. My blood sugar keeps dipping so I am going to have to talk to Dr. D about that. On a different note, I got the clearance I needed from my neurosurgeon for surgery. Thankfully, we are just checking things off the list! 

Mama

November Weigh-Ins

 November Weights

    2 - 274

    9 - 268.8

    16 - 267.4

    23 - 364.4

    30 - 266.2