Today Should Be a Happy Day

Today should be a happy day, but instead I am sitting here with a sense of dread.  You see, today is my 10th wedding anniversary.  I remember almost every moment from that day.  Today I should be celebrating making it longer than most couples do.  Instead, I am on the track of divorce.  This is not where I planned to be.  I know everyone walks down the aisle thinking it will last forever.  I was the one who swore that I would marry one time and it would be for life.


When John first left, my whole world fell apart.  It wasn't that I was grieving for him as much as I was grieving for what would never be.  I was grieving because I had failed.  I grieved because my kids and I had became a statistic.  Sure, I missed him, but it was a welcomed break from the trouble.  I was so consumed with the anger I felt for what he was putting our kids through that I didn't have much room in my heart to miss him.


I have experienced eight month's of healing since he left.  I am at a place where I am ok most days with where my life is.  We are much better people and parents when we are separated than when we are together.  Sure, I would love it if God decided to restore our marriage, but I'm not waiting for that to happen.  I am doing the best I can to build a life for me and my kids.  He will always be a part of my life because we have five beautiful children who need us to be adults for their sake.


That is why I am surprised with my emotions about today. Today, I feel like I am mourning everything again.  I have shed some tears.  I am trying hard not to be pulled into this pit of grief.  I am fighting the impending panic attack that I can feel building.  I HATE that one "simple" date on the calendar can try to undo all of the progress I have made.  I know myself well enough to know that tomorrow will be back to normal, but today...I'm just not ok.  As I try to be strong for my kids, all I want is my own mama.  Happy anniversary to me. :-(


Mama