Waiting

I haven't written in a while because I didn't want to express my feelings in such a public way right now.  So far 2013 has sucked!  I am so tired of my life being so up in the air.  I feel like I am a prisoner in my own body and it won't stop failing me.  Every time I try to do much more than sit still, I am reminded why I was sitting in the first place.  My body starts to rebel.  My heart races.  My chest hurts.  My littles have picked up a lovely habit of running out the door or running off while we are trying to get from the house to the car.  I cannot chase them.  Thank God the boys can catch them for me.  What kind of Mama does that make me?


I have had my echo and stress test done.  I made it to the third stage of stress test and had to stop.  The machine was going so fast I couldn't keep up with it.  I felt bad enough until she told me that she was about to stop  me anyway because I was having episodes of tachycardia. Then, I felt worse.  I am 29 and I am falling apart.


Emotionally, I am spent.  I hadn't heard anything from the cardiologist and since my appt wasn't until March, I called him. Once he looked at my test results he moved my appointment up with his nurse practitioner.  I want answers but I am scared to find out what the answers will be.  No matter what happens I just want the reassurance that I will live to raise my babies. I would love to live to a nice old age, but my main goal is to live to raise my babies.  That statement makes me want to throw up though.  I cannot tell you how many times I heard my mama tell the story where she said the same thing to her mama.  Mamaw told her "you'll live to raise that baby."  That is about all she lived, though.  That's just not enough for me.


I just want to sit down and cry for a really long, long time.  I spent so much time trying to get healthy and all of this had to start happening.  I just want to get back to the gym.  I need a way to work off all of this negative energy.  I need to turn my MP3 player up to "evil 11" and forget my troubles while I slay a beast.  I need some time where I can just forget everything and just relax.  For now, I am here nursing a headache and counting the minutes until bedtime so I can sleep.  I am soooooo tired anymore.


Blessings,


Weight  Loss Mama