Identity Loss

I have been composing this blog in my head for a few days now. My hope is that I can put into words what I want to say. One of the reasons I stopped blogging was because I started having trouble getting my thoughts into words on paper (or screen).

I grew up knowing I was meant to be a mama. I played with dolls from the time I was little. It was more than the usually little girl doll play. Those dolls were my BABIES. I would use my allowance to buy real diapers and human baby clothes. As I got older, I purchased full-sized strollers and carseats for my babies. I played with my dolls much longer than most girls did. It was who I was. I was born to be a mama. When I was 12, I got my first job babysitting. I was homeschooled so my schedule was more flexible than most teen sitters. Over the years, I had several kids that I helped care for. They were my babies.

In my late teen years, I joined a church and youth group. I had trouble fitting in because I didn't feel I was like them. Oh, they were good kids. I had a couple close friends during those years. My life was just in a different place. They were teens who wanted to be teens. I was sixteen and dreaming of babies, a husband and family. In my group of friends, I have always been the caregiver/mothering type. I took care of my mama, helped care for my great-aunt, and my grandparents. Now, I have my kids and my husband to care for. My dreams finally came true.

All was great for a while. Then, I lost my mama. I developed an anxiety disorder and depression. My joy vanished. Anxiety increased. I have struggled for years in my relationship with God. I am a Christian. I have been saved. I try to do what God would have me to do, but I feel like a shell of the person I was. I have given all I have to give. I try to hold it all together. I am supposed to be the strong one. I am the mama - not just to my kids, but to all of those around me. My cup is running empty with no way to fill it. I have prayed. I have asked God to restore the passion I once felt. Yet, I sit here feeling like I am letting everyone down. I am not who I was and that hurts so bad. It is hard to fill everyone else's cups when the well in your own soul is running dry. I have tried going to church. I have prayed. I have tried self-care and counseling. I sit here wondering where the answers are supposed to come from. Surely, there's something I am missing because everything I am trying isn't working. God is a good God. Even in the midst of my trials, I know that His goodness hasn't changed. I want to be the person who is as light to all. Yet, right now, I am drowning and there's no boats to save me.

Lisa

A Year in Books 2017

In 2016, I set a goal for myself to read one book a month. I go through phases where I enjoy reading and other times, not so much. Twelve sounded attainable. Well, I ended up reading 54 books. I will actually finish #55 in a couple days, but it will make the first book in a new year. So this year my goal is to read 52 books. So here we go...

1. The Forgotten Recipe By Amy Clipston
2. The Courtship Basket By Amy Clipston
3. The Cherished Quilt By Amy Clipston
4. Lottie: Bride of Delaware By Kit Morgan
5. Willow: Bride of Pennsylvania By Merry Farmer
6. Hope: Bride of New Jersey By Amelia Adams
7. Mollie: Bride of Georgia By Lorrie Farrelly
8. Edwina: Bride of Connecticut By Margaret Tanner
9. Beth: Bride of Massachusetts By Ashley Merrick
10. Adelaide: Bride of Maryland By Ciara Knight
11. Jessie: Bride of South Carolina By Rose Gordon
12. Rachel: Bride of New Hampshire By Diane Darcy
13. Katie: Bride of Virginia By Sylvia McDaniel
14. Julia: Bride of New York By Callie Hutton
15. Dacey: Bride of North Carolina By Shanna Hatfield
16. Alice: Bride of Rhode Island By Kristy McCaffrey
17. Gabrielle: Bride of Vermont By Emily Claire
18. Emma: Bride of Kentucky By Peggy Henderson
19. Lucie: Bride of Tennessee By Heidi Vanlandingham
20. Isabella: Bride of Ohio By Debra Parmley
21. Josephine: Bride of Louisiana By Cindy Caldwell
22. India: Bride of Indiana By Ashley Merrick
23. Lilly: Bride of Illinois By Linda Hubalek
24: Anna: Bride of Alabama By Lily Graison
25. Gillian: Bride of Maine By Kirsten Lynn
26. Tabitha: Bride of Missouri By Amelia Adams
27. Laurel: Bride of Arkansas By: Carra Copelin
28. Johanna: Bride of Michigan By: Clara Kincaid
29. Constance: Bride of Florida By: Patricia PacJac Carroll
30. Della: Bride of Texas By Trinty Ford
31. Hannah: Bride of Iowa By Penny Estelle
32. Roberta: Bride of Wisconsin By Kirsten Osborne
33. Leora: Bride of California By Kit Morgan
34. Darby Bride of Oregon By Bella Bowen
35. Victoria: Bride of Kansas By E.E. Burke
36. Trinity: Bride of West Virginia By Carre White
37. Genevieve: Bride of Nevada By Cynthia Woolf
38. Madeline: Bride of Nebraska By Mia Blackwood
39. Rose: Bride of Colorado By Margery Scott
40. Violet: Bride of North Dakota By Heather Horrock
41. Cora: Bride of South Dakota By Susan Horsnell
42. Grace: Bride of Montana By Debra Holland
43. Patience: Bride of Washington By Caroline Clemmons
44. Mercy: Bride of Idaho By Jacquie Rogers
45. Judith: Bride of Wyoming By Hildie McQueen
46. Lessie: Bride of Utah By Kristin Holt
47. Josie: Bride of New Mexico By Kristin Holt
48. Chevonne: Bride of Oklahoma By LeighAnn Dobbs
49. Libbie: Bride of Arizona By Linda Carroll-Bradd
50: Poppy: Bride of Alaska By Cassie Hayes
51:  Kitty, Bride of Hawaii By Janielle Daniels
52. The Beloved Hope Chest By Amy Clipston
53. An Amish Market
54. Lopsided Christmas Cake By Wanda Brunstetter
55. A Bride for Theodore By Kirsten Osbourne
56. A Bride for Kendall By Kirsten Osbourne
57. A Bride for Nolan By Cassie Hayes
58. A Bride for Joel By Amelia Adams
59. A Bride for Wesley By Kirsten Osbourne
60. A Bride for Preston By Kay P. Dawson
61. A Bride for Dermot By Cassie Hayes
62. The Matron By Kirsten Osbourne
63. Ruby By Kirsten Osbourne
64. Opal By Kirsten Osbourne
65. Sarah Jane By Kirsten Osbourne
66. Evelyn By Kirsten Osbourne
67. Penny By Kirsten Osbourne
68. Dorothy By Kirsten Osbourne
69. Betsy By Kirsten Osbourne
70. A Bride for Jonathan By Amelia C. Adams
71. Rose By Kirsten Osbourne
72. Lily By Kirsten Osbourne
73. Amaryllis By Kirsten Osbourne
74. Daisy By Kirsten Osbourne
75. Jasmine By Kirsten Osbourne
76. Hyacinth By Kirsten Osbourne
77. Voilet By Kirsten Osbourne
78. Iris By Kirsten Osbourne
79. Edna Petunia By Kirsten Osbourne
80. Mail Order Mayhem By Kirsten Osbourne
81. Mail Order Mama By Kirsten Osbourne
82. A Bride for Matthew By Kirsten Osbourne
83. Mail Order Madness By Kirsten Osbourne
84. Mail Order Mix-up By Kirsten Osbourne
85. Mail Order Mistake By Kirsten Osbourne
86. Mail Order Maternity By Kirsten Osbourne
87. Mail Order Match Maker By Kirsten Osbourne
88. Mail Order Motherhood By Kirsten Osbourne
89. Mail Order Matron By Kirsten Osbourne
90. Mail Order Meddler By Kristen Osbourne
91. A Bride for Nathaniel By Kay P. Dawson
92. Mail Order Misfit By Kirsten Osbourne
93. Gertrude By Kirsten Osbourne
94. Mail Order Minx By Kirsten Osbourne
95. Mail Order Misunderstanding By Kirsten Osbourne
96. Mail Order Misfortune By Kirsten Osbourne
97. Mail Order Melody By Kirsten Osbourne
98. Mail Order Mischief by Kirsten Osbourne
99. A Bride for Easton By Cassie Hayes
100. Mail Order Mistletoe By Kirsten Osbourne
101. Mail Order Midwife By Kirsten Osbourne
102. Mail Order Merry By Kirsten Osbourne
103. Mail Order Miracle By Kirsten Osbourne
104. Mail Order Menace By Kirsten Osbourne
105. The Escape By Kirsten Osbourne
106. The Rancher's Mail Order Bride By Kirsten Osbourne
107. The Cowboy's Mail Order Bride By Kit Morgan
108. The Drifter's Mail Order Bride By Cassie Hayes
109. A Bride for Samuel By Amelia C. Adams
110. Hope By Kirsten Osbourne
111. Bride for Robert By Kirsten Osbourne
112. Hank's Rescued Bride By Cassie Hayes
113. Benedict's Bargain Bride By Kirsten Osbourne
114. Percy's Unexpected Bride By Kit Morgan
115. The Partridge By Kit Morgan
116. The Dove By Shanna Hatfield
117. The Hens By Merry Farmer
118. The Calling Birds By Jacqui Nelson
119. The Gold Ring By Caroline Lee
120. The Swan By Piper Huguley

A Year In Books

Several of my friends have done "A Year In Books". My goal for 2016 is to read 12 books for myself. They cannot be books for the kids. They must be things that I am interested in. I will track my progress here.


1. Jacob's Daughter
2. Amish Winter Wonderland
3. Under the Mulberry Tree
4. Amish Winter of Promises
5. Chasing Fireflies
6. Amish Summer
7. Under the Harvest Moon
8. A Fair of the Heart
9. A Fair to Remember
10. The Chef's Mail Order Bride
11. The Wrangler's  Mail Order Bride
12. The Bartender's Mail Order Bride
13. The Teacher's Mail Order Bride
14. Mail Order Husband Michael
15. Scent of Lilacs
16. Skinny Me
17. Rita Just Wants to be Thin
18. Love for Scale
19. Let Love In
20. Love Goes On
21. Love Lives On Forever
22. The Decision By Wanda Brunstetter
23. The Gift By Wanda Brunstetter
24. The Restoration By Wanda Brunstetter
25. Saffron By Cindy Caldwell
26. Carol By Cindy Caldwell
27.Her Brother's Keeper By Beth Wiseman
28. Naomi's Gift By Amy Clipston
29. The Blacksmith's Wife by Cindy Caldwell
30. The Prequel
31. Michelle: Bride of Mississippi By:Cindy Caldwell
32. Getting to Yes By Allie Pleiter
33. The Quilter's Son - Liam's Return By Samantha Bayarr
34. More Than Friends By Susette Williams
35. Waiting For Belinda By June Belfie
36. Amish Dynasty By Sophia Grace
38. Friends in the Making By Tina Dee
39. Chasing Tornadoes By Sherry Chamblee
40. Bitter Crossroads By June Belfie
41. The Quilter's Son - Nathan's Apprentice By Samantha Bayarr
42. The Quilter's Son - Lydia's Heart By Samantha Bayarr
43. The Quilter's Son - Maddie's Quilt By Samantha Bayarr
44. My Heart Cries Out   By June Belfie
45. An English Friendship  By June Belfie
46. An Amish Cradle By June Belfie
47. Christmas By the Sea By Beth Wiseman
48. The English Son by Wanda Brunstetter
49. The Stubborn Father by Wanda Brunstetter
50. The Betrayed Fiance by Wanda Brunstetter
51. The Missing Will by Wanda Brunstetter
52. The Divided Family by Wanda Brunstetter
53. The Selfless Act by Wanda Brunstetter
54. The Neighborly Thing by Wanda Brunstetter

As the Year Ends

This year has been full of ups and downs. Weight loss hasn't been all I hoped it would be. I have added a few pounds over the holidays. It is a struggle when you are a stress eater. All in all, the year has been a pretty good one though. Some relationships are closer. Others still need work. Then there are those relationships that have been walked away from. I trust that all of this is for a reason.

This coming year our Word of the Year is going to be intentional.

As I think over 2015, there are somethings I wish to carry over into 2016. I have always hated new year resolutions. Each year I try to set realistic goals for myself. I will do the same this year.

1. I want to be more intentional in my walk with God. This year I have backslidden a lot from where I'd like to be. We have occasionally tried out new churches, but not like we should. I want to be intentional in my own walk, in finding a church, in the way I teach my children to see God, in trying to find a home church.

2. I want to be more intentional in the relationship with my husband. He and I are in an amazing place right now. He and I are as different as night and day, though. He likes hard rock (Christian), I like Contemporary Christian/ Southern Gospel. He likes Star Wars, Sci-fi, etc. While I like Amish novels, love stories and girlie things. We do have areas of similarity, but I want to be more intentional in finding areas of common ground this year.

3. I want to be more intentional with my emotional and physical health. I refuse to set a weight loss goal for the year, but I want to take small steps to become healthier. I want to be intentional in the time I spend to better myself.

4. I want to spend this year being intentional with my children. Instead of allowing life to get away with me, I want the interactions with my children to be intentional. Instead of playing referee, I want my children to learn to love each other in a way they haven't yet. I want to take the time to rediscover my children's desires, hopes and dreams. I want to do more outings as a family as well as individual-relationship building activities. Time goes so fast. I don't want to miss a moment.

5. I want to spend the year growing closer to my parents. The first couple years, I spent with my bonus mama and Dad, I made sure I called them every week. I took the time to find out more about them. The past year, I failed many ways as a daughter so I want to spend the next year being a daughter that I can be proud of.

6. I want to be intentional in the relationships with those in my life.

7. I want to be intentional with my time and energy. I have so little of both, I don't want to waste either with things or people who do not care about me or are not good for me.

8. I want to find a new hobby. Something that makes me happy.

9. I want to be intentional in my homeschool. I want to focus on finding the learning styles of my children and watch them flourish as they pursue their academic passions.

Weeks 2 and 3 Progress

I just realized I forgot to make a week 2 report. My husband has had surgery two out of the last three weeks so I have been a bit busy. He has at least one more coming up so please pray for him. We are hoping this will be the last one.

Week Two went pretty much the same as Week One. I could tell that my stomach was starting to shrink because I wasn't as hungry as I was the previous week. Some moments were hard, but all in all it was a success. Week Two revealed a second 10 pound weight loss. I was surprised. Usually, your first week's loss will always be higher than the consecutive weeks.

Week Three was a bit easier in some ways. I had more cravings. I had a doctor's appointment that I freaked out over. My weight loss is progressing, yes, but When your starting weight is 360 (2012) it takes a pretty significant weight loss to be able to SEE it. It is hard to believe it is really happening. My rings are getting very lose, though. John says he can see it in my arms, but I still cannot see it. Friday, I weighed in at my biggest loss so far. I lost eleven pounds. That brought  my total to 31 pounds in three weeks. This milestone also brought me to a place I have only seen one other time in my adult life. I am under three hundred pounds!!! I am very proud of myself. I can't weight to see what my next weigh-in brings.

I have had a few people who have asked what I am doing to lose the weight. Each day I have a Slim Fast shake for breakfast and lunch. I use the powder that I mix with milk. I have tried the pre-mixed shakes and I do not like them. For dinner, I have been eating frozen meals. Everything is pre-packaged and microwavable. This makes things easy and I cannot over-eat. I make sure my dinner meal is no more than 500 calories. My bedtime snack has been a Special K Meal bar.   This helps make sure that my blood sugar levels do not get too low during the night. I am currently taking 2 different pills and a shot of insulin. I was on a third medication that I had to stop taking because my blood sugar was getting too low. Now, I only take that medicine on my "cheat days." Each week, I allow myself a cheat day. I can eat whatever I want on that day. On this day, I still count calories just for my own information, though. It is good to see how quickly those calories build up.

I want you to understand that each person's journey will be different. Some people need more restriction in some areas and are just fine in others. Not everyone will lose 10 pounds a week. (I don't know how long I will continue to do so.) It is important to understand that a person who does this plan weighing 330 pounds will probably lose a lot more than another person who does the exact same thing yet only weighs 180. The important thing is just do not get discouraged. You will get there.

Blessings,

Mama

Week 1 Progress

Monday, I started drinking slim fast. This week has been harder at some points than I thought it would be but easier at others. I don't really like the taste, but I am getting used to it. I had a couple slip ups, but did well for the most part.

Yesterday, I weighed myself. I was disappointed to see that I had only lost ten pounds. I know that is a lot to most people, but I had worked REALLY hard and expected the results to show more weight loss. With that being said, I did weigh a couple days early. I shouldn't have weighed until Monday. My weight loss averages out to two pounds a day so I suppose that isn't too bad. I know that is not bad. Why do I have to be so hard on myself? I am hoping that this week's numbers are as good, if not better.

Blessings,

Mama

New Plan

Life is crazy as always. It seems like that is the story of my life. I am trying to embrace it, though. What other choice do I have? I have spent years trying to fight the crazy, but that didn't work so I gave in. ;-) 

I started a new diet plan today. I am going to try Slim Fast. I tried it many years ago, but I didn't like the taste of it. So far, it's not been too bad. I am hungry, but nothing I cannot handle. I am going to lose this weight one way or another. 

Blessings, 

Mama