Understanding God's Love Through Sorrow

WINNER EITHER WAY 


A LOVED ONE KNEW HE'D REACHED THE END OF LIFE'S JOURNEY, 
BUT HE'D BEEN HOLDING TO GOD'S HAND A LONG, LONG TIME 
AND AS I KNELT BESIDE HIS BED, 
MY HEART WAS THRILLED AT WHAT HE SAID," 
IF I GO, OR IF I STAY, THE VICTORY IS MINE." 


NONE OF US REALLY KNOWS ABOUT TOMORROW, 
WE MUST PREPARE TO GO TO HEAVEN ANY DAY 
BUT WHILE WE'RE HERE LET'S TRUST THE LORD, 
HE'LL LEAD US SAFE TO OUR REWARD 
AND BY HIS GRACE, WE'LL BE A WINNER EITHER WAY 

(CHORUS) 
I'M A WINNER EITHER WAY, IF I GO OR IF I STAY 
FOR I'LL STILL HAVE MY JESUS EACH PASSING DAY 
I'LL HAVE MY HEALING HERE BELOW, OR LIFE FOREVER IF I GO 
OH PRAISE THE LORD, I'M A WINNER EITHER WAY.



Last month, my sister's beloved dog died.  Most of my siblings on my mother's side do not have children.  Their pets are their babies.  My children love their "cousins" and have grieved for this precious dog.  It's brought up quite the discussions with my oldest two.  My oldest son feels that his brother always gets his prayers answered and has all the "luck". He feels that anything he wishes or prays for will render the opposite. 


He was talking to me again today asking why Kaley had to die.  He said when she started getting sick that he prayed for God to heal her.  Then he said, "I did the same with Grammie and she died, too." What he doesn't understand, at nine years old, is that his prayers for Grammie and Kaley's healing were answered. They just weren't answered in the way he hoped they would be. 


As Christians, we don't want our children to grow up always getting what they want and never experiencing hardships. The hardships teach us so much about God's love.  Even though, I sometimes ask the very same questions he asks.  While nothing bad comes from my Father,  I know that God hand-picks the trials He allows me to face. He does this with my best interest in mind to, among many things, draw my heart closer to His. I want my children to understand that God doesn't allow sorrow because He is cruel, but only to purify us.  Still, that is a hard lesson for a child to learn.  That is a hard lesson for me to learn at 30 years old. 


When mom first passed, and even now, I know that God could've chosen to heal my mama here. Oh now much better that would've been for ME and for my family. God, in His infinite wisdom, chose to take her instead. It hurts, oh how it hurts, but He knows what is best. There wasn't a day before or since her passing, that I have walked alone. I believe that God knew every step I would take long before any of it happened. No matter where I go, He's already there preparing the way for me. 


I have learned that no matter what, God is faithful. Even when we can't understand, He is still there. It hurts my Mama's heart to see my babies suffer so, but I try to make sure I use these times as teaching moments and surround them with my love. I know that all I lack, God will surely fill in those gaps. HIS love and HIS understanding are always enough. 

for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content: - Philippians 4:11b & 13 NIV 


Blessings, 

Mama

Pastors

While it's a cute cartoon, it strikes a chord with me. I wonder if his pastor would search for him if he only gave $500 or even $100 a year? What if all he could afford was $1 a year? Some churches get so wrapped up in the finances that they fail to remember that they are supposed to love everyone. Regardless of how much that person contributes to the pastor's salary.

 

Now please don't get me wrong. I know that a church needs money to help others in the world. I believe a pastor's family should be taken well care of by his congregation. I believe everyone should give what they can, to the church in tithes and offerings. I just don't believe a person should be judged by the amount they are able/willing to give a church.

 

My pastor is an amazing pastor. He works very hard through his business. He works very hard with and for his family. He takes care of the congregation through sermons and helping those who need it. I have no idea how much he gets paid or even if he does at this point because we are such a small church. However, what I do know is that he serves faithfully each time we meet as well as the needs we have throughout the week. I am blessed to be part of his flock. I have finally found love from a pastor. He has taken care of my family. He loves my family and treats us like we are HIS family.

 

 

I will admit that I went into this church with a huge chip on my shoulder. Church had never been kind to me. I never really fit in at any of the churches I went too. Growing up, my mom had issues because our pastor had left while my grandmother was terribly sick. He went on vacation and wasn't there to preach her funeral. The next church I went to was a good church but I just didn't fit in. The next one was where I met my husband, where all of my children were dedicated. It was the church I was attending when my mom passed away. John and I were a young couple who had five kids and very little money. We gave, but not to the capacity of others. When we left that church our pastor or his staff didn't know my children's names even though he had dedicated all off them.

 

 

When we found OUR church we had been searching for "home" for about six months. I fully expected our (now) pastor to be just like the others. But he isn't. He is loving. He welcomes my children into worship service. He doesn't believe that children should be separated from their parents where they aren't seen OR heard. He has taken us in and treated us the way a pastor should. I am so thankful that God brought us to this place of healing.

 

 

I understand it takes all kinds. Some people don't mind a pastor who is out of touch with his congregation. For my family, though, we desire that closeness with our church family. When my husband was sick, earlier this year, our church family took care of us. They visited my husband in the hospital. They brought meals to us once he was home. They really take care of each other. They have restored my faith in the human church. Today, I can say with absolute certainty that if I were lost, my pastor would be looking for me and give all he had to find me. It's a great feeling to be home.

 

 

Blessings,

 

Mama

TMI ALERT: Cycle Info

I chart, but just chart my period days. It gets so emotionally draining to temp and all that other stuff when your cycles are anything but regular. Right now I am just trying to find out more about my body. That being said....

I started today. My last cycle was 45 days long. For some reason I thought it was much longer. I had a weird couple days prior to that where I spotted, but it was totally weird. Anyway. Here we go again.

Here is a story I posted on FB earlier today.

I have to share this story with you. I had to make an emergency run to Walmart to pick up some *ahem* woman stuff *cough* because I had none on hand. I had all of the babies in one cart and Sam was pushing Landon in another one. So as I'm walking back to the register, Isaiah picks up a box and says "Mommy, dis got candy in it?" I responded, "No Son, that's not candy. It's for Mommy." There was an older lady who was in the aisle at the time and she was trying to hide her laughter. At that point he looks at her and says, "Girl, Mommy's buying us gum. Dere's gum in dis box!!!" And he did that to every woman we passed. The poor guy at the register was turning about 20 different shades of red by the time we made it through his line. *note to self* Do not take Isaiah to buy that stuff anymore.


Blessings, 

Mama

Broken

I am sitting here right now with my heart hurting.  All day long I haven't felt right.  I have been fighting off a migraine.  I had John to rub my shoulders. He went to buy me some new pillows hoping that might help. I spent most of the afternoon with a towel over my head to block out the light and trying to stay as still as possible.  Finally, I got up and went to get some medication and had a pedicure.  My beloved manicurist, Jenny, did some pressure point massaging that helped tremendously.  I went to grab a bite to eat then settled in to our bedtime routine.


Then I checked my messages and found out some horrible news.  News that simply makes me want to cry, which I am, and news that makes my chest feel like there's a two ton elephant sitting on it.  News that I don't want to have to tell my husband when he wakes up from work, but I have to.  Before I share this news with you, I have to go back in our story a couple months ago.


A few months ago, a very dear friend of mine, who happens to be like a daughter to me, lost her father. He died of cancer.  I have grieved for the loss of my friend, and tried to help this sweet young woman grieve the loss of her dad.  A couple months ago, she found out that she was pregnant with twins.  She has two kids of her own already and felt she couldn't raise these two.  After much prayer and consideration, we (she, John and myself) decided we would adopt the babies.  John and I had been trying to figure out the finances of the legal process.


This afternoon I was notified that she lost the babies.  My heart aches.  I ache for the lost dream of holding these precious babies.  I ache for a friend who is more like a daughter to me than anything else.  My heart aches because I know what she is going through.  I ache because distance separates us just enough that I cannot be with her at this time.  It just isn't right.  No one should have to go through the pain of losing a child (let alone two) like that.  I am balancing between wanting to scream like mad and wanting to cry.


Please pray for this dear young woman as she grieves the loss of these babies. Birth moms are awesome people.  They prepare to give their precious child(ren) to another woman to love and care for all of its days.  Yet, when the unthinkable happens, they still grief the loss of their child.

But Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven.”  -  Matt. 19:14

Blessing,

Mama

Homesick

I have moments where everything just starts flooding my mind.  Today as I was driving down the interstate I heard an ambulance. As always, I looked to see which direction the sirens were coming from so I could move if necessary.  I seen it was traveling in the opposite direction so I was ok. Or was I?


All at once, these memories start flooding my mind.  I see her lifeless body lying on the bed.  I see my husband pounding on her chest as my children scream in terror.  I remember pulling into the driveway moments before after calling her for what seemed like forever. In my heart I knew she was gone. Time moves forward a bit and there's a police officer trying to calm me as the EMTs work on this lifeless body.  The next second I am transported to the ER where I hear my siblings sobbing.


Almost 5 years later one little thing takes my mind back to one of the worst moments of my life.  Even as I write this I can still smell "death".  I can feel her cold, dead body under my hand as I try to will her to wake up and try to figure out how I will go on from here. I feel my husband's hands prying mine away from hers and almost push me out of the room.


As I try to force myself to forget all of the things that plague my mind so I can make it home, the memories just keep coming.  Songs, caskets, grave sites, flowers, heart-broken little boys who will never be the same. I don't think I ever loved my husband more than in those moments.  I truly could not have made it without him.


Do you know what is like to have a panic attack?  They are scary enough normally, but when you are driving they are even scarier.  I didn't want my kids to see me fall apart so I did what I had to make it home safely.  Now, I sit here and try to remain calm so my body stops trying to betray me.








Weight Loss Mama

Embarrassing Weight Loss Moments

So let's be honest here. I have been less than faithful with my weight loss journey lately. So imagine my surprise when the events of the day took place. Needless to say, I was so embarrassed!


This morning I had to be in Knoxville very early.  Of course this would be the morning I overslept. LANDON even overslept.  That is totally unusual.  So we all get up and rush out the door.  Since I've gained some weight back I have gotten out some of my old clothes. This morning I had put a pair of cloth shorts on.


We do what we need to do and I go to drop John off at his car so he can go to work. We stopped at the gas station.  I get out of the van and as I stand up my shorts hit the ground. Now they didn't seem that loose this morning as I was in a  hurry, but they hit the concrete really easily. I was humiliated.  I pulled up my shorts and prayed no one seen me.  I spent the rest of my time trying not to make eye contact with anyone.


Blessings,

Mama

Scary Thoughts

The thought just hit me today. I have 4 years until I have a teen in the house. Six until I have two teens in the house. Nine until I have 4 teens in the house. And a mere ten until there are FIVE teenage kids living in my house. Lord, give me the grace and wisdom to prepare my children to stand for You. Help me to lead and guide them in a way that would bring You glory. Help me to teach them to make decisions that would bring delight to Your heart. Help me to lead them as long as I need to. Help me to let go when the time is right. Above all else God, please guard their hearts that they may follow your ways every step they take. Amen.


Blessings,

Mama